Song: Violent Apathy

[Cosmic]

Hey guys, this is my first ever song (though arguably, poetry and lyrical writing hold a lot in common), so your feedback is really desired and welcome.

The song follows a relatively typical pattern, with some more recently common structural changes to maintain the freshness of the music.

So, we have a 2-stanza verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus, and finally a "new" hook that repeats a tune until the end, with small lyrical change each time.

Violent Apathy

Calmly calculated,
And with apathy in my step,
Passion-seeking a cause,
Yet immediately unfound.

I stand two emotions away
From personal fulfilment.
And you stand too close –
I aggravate your philosophy.

My violence fades, into pursuit.
And I rest my head, destitute.
I wage war with your aid;
I rebuild my barricade.

This emotional tethering,
This tired combination,
The tumultuous tirade
My skeletal existence fractures.

My violence fades, into pursuit.
And I rest my head, destitute.
I wage war with your aid;
I rebuild my barricade.

Self-defeating temptation
Leads my mind elsewhere,
And suffocating thoughts,
Manifest in despair.

I stand here, pointless,
Alone and untrue.

My violence fades, into pursuit.
And I rest my head, destitute.
I wage war with your aid;
I rebuild my barricade.

All these thoughts in my head,
And I feel, like I can’t be right.

All these thoughts in my head,
And I think, that I can’t be right.

All these thoughts in my head,
And I wonder, how I got it wrong.

[charlotte945]

Wow, I have never seen such a long argumint. I think your song rocks, i sung it to myself in a tune i thought mached the song and i think it's totaly wicked.

[Cosmic]

Wow, I have never seen such a long argumint. I think your song rocks, i sung it to myself in a tune i thought mached the song and i think it's totaly wicked.

Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you were able to sing it because one of my friends just couldn't think of a tune to fit to the words! :D Was there anything about it that you thought could be improved? Were any of the lines too wordy to sing properly in your tune, or did it seem to flow okay?

[charlotte945]

Ya it was realy good i even sung it a second time with a beet and the last six lines were my favorit!!!!!!! Your good with writing lyrics.

[Zephyr]

I've cleaned this thread up for re-open.

1) Don't bump threads. I know it's frustrating to not get the feedback you want, but this is a fairly slow forum to begin with.

2) Take disputes to the PM system.

Thanks!