Relapse...

[Cait]

Hey... new member here.

So, here's my story. I started cutting at age 12 (seven years ago). For those first four years I cut on and off, having periods of time where I was fine then periods of time where I would self harm heavily. I have scars on my thighs, shoulders, arms, stomach and a big one on my hip. When I was 13, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 (so I basically get depressed A LOT and mildly manic rarely). Then three years ago, I started dating this great guy. Right from the beginning, he said there were a few behaviors he really didn't want me to engage in... mostly cutting and smoking.

He and I are still together, three years later. But I've hit a relapse... in cutting, and smoking, and petty shoplifting, and just recently found that I very much enjoy being drunk. I'm taking my meds like always, but I'm concerned about all these behaviors popping back up around the same time.

Mostly, it's the cutting I'm worried about. They're getting less and less superficial... I don't know what I'm going to tell my boyfriend if he see's how much the cutting has increased. He always said to call him if I felt like I needed to, and the times where I couldn't get ahold him... then he couldn't say anything. I don't know what I can possibly say. He and I tell each other everything, and I shouldn't be keeping this from him.

I guess it's just a bad winter. My 'bipolar' acts a lot like Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was probably misdiagnosed.

So I guess at this point, I just need a network of people who understand cutting and self-harm. I don't feel like telling my therapist, I can't afford for him to put me on another 51/50.

I'm really hoping for some comments. Thanks in advance if you do reply. :)

[Quahog]

First of all, welcome to the VT. Thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage for someone to admit that they cut. I have been a really bad cutter for many years. I just quit recently. This whole section is devoted to people who are currently cutting, and people who have quit cutting, and can help those who are currently suffering through it, like myself.

We all have time were we experience relapse. We quit, then unfortunately we find ourselves giving into the blades.

Having Bi-polar isn't easy either. But as long as you are taking your meds, you should be fine. I also know it's hard to tell therapists/psychologists, but you need to understand they only want to help. So don't always think of them as evil monsters.

Just have the courage to tell your boyfriend. If he truly loves you, I'm sure he will stick by with you through it all.

You are more than welcome to share anything with us. Most of us have been through the same situations you have. Whenever something is on your mind, you can always come here and talk to us. We are here for you.

[Cait]

Thank you, Vibrant. :)

I don't see therapists or psychiatrists as evil people; I know they do what they have to do. I mean, I even want to be a social worker. It's just that my therapist thinks that cutting = being suicidal. That's the issue. I'm at the beginning of a college semester, and I don't want to get dropped from my classes...

I don't know how I went cold-turkey and then suddenly relapse three years later. :/