Why haven't I died yet?

[Syvelocin]

Let's just get this over with. The longer it takes, I believe the harder it will be on people.

I'm not suicidal so you know. I could never kill myself, it's too selfish and I can't even produce one selfish thought anymore. But dying isn't selfish, it's fate. Why does it have to take this long? It feels like we're just waiting around until I finally drop like a fly. Waiting till I get sick.

Is it too much to ask for pneumonia over here? A couple of years at most, I've been telling myself. And then it's another couple still. And another couple.

This is the happiest I'll be for a while into the future. Why not now? Why wait until I'm down from this mediocre "high," if you can call it that.

[TheSleepingInsomniac]

I know sometimes it feels like life won't end for a long long time and we just wish it would end but I've seen what death can do to people around you even if it's from sickness like when my mum died of cancer.

[Charleigh]

Because its not your time to go Rith. Your a really nice girl, and you have many qualities! I guess, your going through a tough time in your life, but you have to remember, it could get better! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you might not see it yet but, once you find yourself standing on the right spot, everything will run smooth.

Im always here if you need to talk.
:hug:

[PJay]

Hugs. Glad you haven't.

[Syvelocin]

But... that's the thing. It has been my time. Well, sort of you know. It's not my time quite yet since I'm still alive, but for the last three years I'm always told how much longer it's going to be, and I keep outliving that deadline. It's bothering the shit out of me. Technically speaking, I shouldn't have even made it to 18 :/ I'm completely setting myself up to die. If immunodeficiency isn't enough, I've been underweight for eight years.

My parents are the ones paying for my medicine, and I hate it. I can't make enough money to pay for myself. And they shouldn't have to spend that much on me. The longer I live, the bigger the bill is.

[sieg]

life is too short to die this early, but your time will come when it comes.

[Quahog]

It's not worth it Rith. Trust me. Be happy that you're still here. People here love you, and would hate if something bad happened to you.

[Nevermore]

There is a reason and purpose for everything. There is a reason that you are still alive. Try getting help for your eating disorder, I know easier said then done. Perhaps you have already have gotten help. I know things may seem hard. I question why I'm still alive all the time. When I overdosed on 14 pills of advil about a year ago, and questioned why I was alive, and feeling fine after hours latter. Don't try to dwell on why you are still alive, live. Your not a burdon Rith financially. Don't worry about that. I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you to worry about the bills. They love you.

[Severus Snape]

Sorry to hear that. Coming to terms with it must have been the most difficult part. There's not much to be done. The indomitable human spirit and will to live is immeasurable. You might last another 20 years. You may outlive me. To quote a cheesy commercial, you don't have an expiration date. But the mindset of just waiting is destructive. Don't linger on it would be my advice. Make the most out of what you have.

[Charleigh]

Your parents love you, thats why they pay for your meds!!!!
Rith you are amazzzingggg. Dont cut yourself short.
:hug:

[Iceman]

Take this as a sign. If you believe that you should be dead, and your not, fate has decided to let you live. And there must be a reason. Is it to infulence others? Or maybe to show the world what you have gone through for 8 years, and how if you can recover, everyone can too. Everyone has a reason in life.

[Syvelocin]

Thanks :)

Sammy - Well, anorexia-wise I'm far from my worst. I'm eating, I've gained weight. After the first ten pounds, I've been going up and down. But I've gained an additional four pounds, now I just need to keep it on. And I have a while to go still until I'm at my goal weight.

I'm sure it doesn't help, but it's not the worst of it.

Ryan -
That helped a lot, honestly.

I guess it's been hard. But it's nothing on how it is for everyone else. I'll get over it of course, but I don't think I'm quite as affected by it as the people around me. Well, I think the hardest part for me is seeing my mum like that. I'm haunted by the memory of the day we found out, the first time I saw her cry. Now it's just like... I want to get it over with already.

Thank you.

Charlie Ann -
Aww, thank you :)

[Charleigh]

Always here for you hun!
:hug: