wasabipea
January 30th, 2011, 03:43 AM
I'm a poor college student atm and can't/ don't want to pay for a therapist, so I would really really appreciate anyone who can help me self-diagnose myself and I sort of want to cure everything by myself, if that's realistic at all..
(overview in case this is tl;dr. :p
High & lows, acting like a jerk, feeling meaningless, purposeless, not wanting to move.
Cutting, burning, etc. meaningless self harm
Feeling detached to my body and mind
auditory hallucinations)
Basically, I'm suspecting bipolar disorder but I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel completely beautiful and charismatic and like my life is actually going somewhere. Which is great. But I also tend to act like a fucking jerk and I make a lot of hurtful jokes during those highs as well, in which I regret so much once the high is over& can't believe I was so delusional about myself. And some days I would get lows. I had a low today. I was physically incapable of moving from when I woke up at 9am to around 5pm. I slept. I didn't want to do anything. Everything was so empty, my body is a physical capsule and there is nothing inside of me.
I tend to get the lows a lot more than the highs. I just feel so meaningless, you know. I look at things from the grand scheme of all things in the universe. And I'm so insignificant. I serve no purpose. I am only another organism on this planet, a machine, programmed to act this way. Nothing is real and we only ever make up our own world (i.e. the images we see are processed in our brains through our retinas.). It seems like nothing would exist without me.
I also cut, which is a rather generic sign that someone is mentally unstable lol. But I feel like I'm somewhat different from the others. I did use to cut when I was younger for the usual: attention seeking/wanted the internal pain to transfer to external pain etc. But now I cut just because I can. Hell, I make happy faces and write 'hello!' (draw penises when I'm feeling particularly immature). It's just something that happens, maybe something I do for fun. It doesn't feel like a big deal.
I also set myself on fire sometimes, with alcohol, for the same reason as above. And i think part of the reason why I go to concerts is to get punched by the taller/buffer punk kids in the mosh pit. I like my bruises. I like feeling like a tomato or something, I guess. Getting bruised up and cut up. Then my regrowth and everything heals.
Another thing which doesn't appear normal to me, is that sometimes I become completely detached to my body. Sometimes even detached to my mind. I feel like I'm watching a movie sometimes. like nothing even belongs to me. I watch my hands moving and it's sort of like I'm riding a gundam or something, haha. Like my body is this machine thing that I can control with wires and neurotransmitters connected to my brain. And then sometimes my brain doesn't even belong to me. For the longest time I felt like I somehow intruded into another girl's body and stole all her thoughts and memories. I'm still unsure if I was originally who I am right now.
I sometimes hear things as well. (i.e. The doorbell. (My dorm doesn't have a doorbell), this mother figure calling me pet names. A child crying.) These are rare though, and very fleeting. so it's not much of an annoyance or problem. Just something I think I should mention. After I hear them and realise that they're not real, the auditory stuff actually makes me giggle a bit "oh brain, you just fucked up again!" :p
So, I think that's it. If there's anything that would help with diagnosing myself, please tell me. thankyou so much for any help and opinions. I don't mind the auditory hallucinations/cutting/detachment much. It's mainly the emptiness and being a jerk when I'm an egomaniac that I want to fix.
(overview in case this is tl;dr. :p
High & lows, acting like a jerk, feeling meaningless, purposeless, not wanting to move.
Cutting, burning, etc. meaningless self harm
Feeling detached to my body and mind
auditory hallucinations)
Basically, I'm suspecting bipolar disorder but I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel completely beautiful and charismatic and like my life is actually going somewhere. Which is great. But I also tend to act like a fucking jerk and I make a lot of hurtful jokes during those highs as well, in which I regret so much once the high is over& can't believe I was so delusional about myself. And some days I would get lows. I had a low today. I was physically incapable of moving from when I woke up at 9am to around 5pm. I slept. I didn't want to do anything. Everything was so empty, my body is a physical capsule and there is nothing inside of me.
I tend to get the lows a lot more than the highs. I just feel so meaningless, you know. I look at things from the grand scheme of all things in the universe. And I'm so insignificant. I serve no purpose. I am only another organism on this planet, a machine, programmed to act this way. Nothing is real and we only ever make up our own world (i.e. the images we see are processed in our brains through our retinas.). It seems like nothing would exist without me.
I also cut, which is a rather generic sign that someone is mentally unstable lol. But I feel like I'm somewhat different from the others. I did use to cut when I was younger for the usual: attention seeking/wanted the internal pain to transfer to external pain etc. But now I cut just because I can. Hell, I make happy faces and write 'hello!' (draw penises when I'm feeling particularly immature). It's just something that happens, maybe something I do for fun. It doesn't feel like a big deal.
I also set myself on fire sometimes, with alcohol, for the same reason as above. And i think part of the reason why I go to concerts is to get punched by the taller/buffer punk kids in the mosh pit. I like my bruises. I like feeling like a tomato or something, I guess. Getting bruised up and cut up. Then my regrowth and everything heals.
Another thing which doesn't appear normal to me, is that sometimes I become completely detached to my body. Sometimes even detached to my mind. I feel like I'm watching a movie sometimes. like nothing even belongs to me. I watch my hands moving and it's sort of like I'm riding a gundam or something, haha. Like my body is this machine thing that I can control with wires and neurotransmitters connected to my brain. And then sometimes my brain doesn't even belong to me. For the longest time I felt like I somehow intruded into another girl's body and stole all her thoughts and memories. I'm still unsure if I was originally who I am right now.
I sometimes hear things as well. (i.e. The doorbell. (My dorm doesn't have a doorbell), this mother figure calling me pet names. A child crying.) These are rare though, and very fleeting. so it's not much of an annoyance or problem. Just something I think I should mention. After I hear them and realise that they're not real, the auditory stuff actually makes me giggle a bit "oh brain, you just fucked up again!" :p
So, I think that's it. If there's anything that would help with diagnosing myself, please tell me. thankyou so much for any help and opinions. I don't mind the auditory hallucinations/cutting/detachment much. It's mainly the emptiness and being a jerk when I'm an egomaniac that I want to fix.