Vallejo
January 30th, 2011, 12:59 AM
First off, I'm almost 18. I have a history of hormone-induced anxiety.
For the past few months I've been feeling absolutely horrendous.
About six months ago I started dating the boy whom I had been incredibly in love with for two or three years prior.. I'm sure of it. And I'll describe my feelings: No matter the situations we went through, I was always excited and happy to see him. I love every aspect about him, down to his "flaws". I can connect with him on almost any level. So after we started having sex, I got myself on birth control pills. After the last pill of my first pack, I just about lost it emotionally.
-I immediately thought I was losing feelings for my boyfriend, the one I've been so attached to for all this time. I felt this way only because my feelings for him had grown significantly less intense. I wouldn't say I have LESS feelings for him, they're just different. I care about him, and I want to be with him, rather than being giddy to see him all the time and blown away when we hug or kiss or something.
^So this was a huge change for me. It's like who I am now can't connect who HE is now to my wonderful memories of him. Maybe that's because of how excited I was about "the chase" that leads to relationships.. I don't know.
So for the first five or so months of our relationship, I knew exactly what I felt: I loved him unconditionally. I found no one else appealing. I wanted to spend my life with him. I was truly happy. Truly.
But since that anxiety attack after my birth control pills (which I have stopped taking), I have been on edge. I'm confused about my sexuality. In fact, I've been thinking I'm finding almost everyone attractive in some way, and it's absurd.
I ALWAYS have to fear something when I'm in these anxious zones.. Either I'm worried I'm pregnant, or I'm worried that I'm gay, or I'm worried that I'm losing feelings for my boyfriend, or I'm worried that I'm losing who I am as a person.
I feel on the verge of a breakdown.
When I first started puberty, I used to get anxiety about being gay - though I don't find any sexual or emotional acts between women attractive, I'm not interested in having relationships with women, because I don't feel like it's right for me. I've had my fair share of crushes on men, both long and short-lasted. I'm both emotionally, physically, and sexually attracted to men. BUT during those early stages of puberty my vagina seemed to have a mind of its own. I would get this feeling that was different than arousal while my mind would think logically against what I was feeling physically. Truthfully, the only thing I want from a girl is friendship - which I have comfortably.
But now during this "crisis" those vaginal feelings have returned on occasion, though I'm sure I don't want to have a relationship with girls. I'm not attracted to them on a variety of levels.
My feelings seem to have been on a roller-coaster lately. I understand that love progresses, but I have no idea what to expect.
I have no idea what's going on with my hormones, my anxiety, and my mind.
I'm more emotional than I have been since I first started puberty. I'm tense, I cry all the time, I'm unnaturally snappy towards people.. It's brutal.
I used to feel this way when I was 14 or so, then when that phase ended, I was good to go until just recently. I felt great all the time! Hardly any PMS, no depression, no cramps, no nothing.
So honestly, I'm dying for some input. I feel so confused. I don't know to what extent I should trust my feelings if they're changing so frequently.
Please, I'm desperate for some relief.
For the past few months I've been feeling absolutely horrendous.
About six months ago I started dating the boy whom I had been incredibly in love with for two or three years prior.. I'm sure of it. And I'll describe my feelings: No matter the situations we went through, I was always excited and happy to see him. I love every aspect about him, down to his "flaws". I can connect with him on almost any level. So after we started having sex, I got myself on birth control pills. After the last pill of my first pack, I just about lost it emotionally.
-I immediately thought I was losing feelings for my boyfriend, the one I've been so attached to for all this time. I felt this way only because my feelings for him had grown significantly less intense. I wouldn't say I have LESS feelings for him, they're just different. I care about him, and I want to be with him, rather than being giddy to see him all the time and blown away when we hug or kiss or something.
^So this was a huge change for me. It's like who I am now can't connect who HE is now to my wonderful memories of him. Maybe that's because of how excited I was about "the chase" that leads to relationships.. I don't know.
So for the first five or so months of our relationship, I knew exactly what I felt: I loved him unconditionally. I found no one else appealing. I wanted to spend my life with him. I was truly happy. Truly.
But since that anxiety attack after my birth control pills (which I have stopped taking), I have been on edge. I'm confused about my sexuality. In fact, I've been thinking I'm finding almost everyone attractive in some way, and it's absurd.
I ALWAYS have to fear something when I'm in these anxious zones.. Either I'm worried I'm pregnant, or I'm worried that I'm gay, or I'm worried that I'm losing feelings for my boyfriend, or I'm worried that I'm losing who I am as a person.
I feel on the verge of a breakdown.
When I first started puberty, I used to get anxiety about being gay - though I don't find any sexual or emotional acts between women attractive, I'm not interested in having relationships with women, because I don't feel like it's right for me. I've had my fair share of crushes on men, both long and short-lasted. I'm both emotionally, physically, and sexually attracted to men. BUT during those early stages of puberty my vagina seemed to have a mind of its own. I would get this feeling that was different than arousal while my mind would think logically against what I was feeling physically. Truthfully, the only thing I want from a girl is friendship - which I have comfortably.
But now during this "crisis" those vaginal feelings have returned on occasion, though I'm sure I don't want to have a relationship with girls. I'm not attracted to them on a variety of levels.
My feelings seem to have been on a roller-coaster lately. I understand that love progresses, but I have no idea what to expect.
I have no idea what's going on with my hormones, my anxiety, and my mind.
I'm more emotional than I have been since I first started puberty. I'm tense, I cry all the time, I'm unnaturally snappy towards people.. It's brutal.
I used to feel this way when I was 14 or so, then when that phase ended, I was good to go until just recently. I felt great all the time! Hardly any PMS, no depression, no cramps, no nothing.
So honestly, I'm dying for some input. I feel so confused. I don't know to what extent I should trust my feelings if they're changing so frequently.
Please, I'm desperate for some relief.