Need someone to talk to NOW.

[Magenta]

Oh god. I can't breathe. I want to cry but my dad hasn't left for work yet. I can't handle this. I am a horrible person. I want to die but that wouldn't solve anything. But how do I handle the guilt. I don't deserve to be alive. I'm a terrible friend. I can't face her. I can't talk to her.

Earlier today, one of my best friends who helps me a lot told me why she wanted to cut again. I told her I'd be displeased if she did. She said back:

'Like that's ever stopped you.'

And I got so upset because it was true. She didn't mean it like that but she was also upset. I overreacted. I had a bad exam this morning. I betrayed another friend's trust for her own safety last night. And then this happened.

She talked to me again later and told me she had nearly tried to overdose again. She has once. She didn't cut or take any pills but I swear I stopped breathing. I couldn't think. So many people lately I have almost lost or had a chance of losing. I can't handle it and it's so selfish of me. But I can't help it.

But the worst part? I had been so upset that I told her 'I'm sorry, I think I need to go' because I knew I was going to freak out and panic. So I went off and hid in my bathroom. And what was I doing while she was considering overdosing? Cutting up my leg. What a hypocrite. So now I had to log off msn again, probably making her feel even more abandoned than I already have because I thought I was going to die from not breathing. I want to start sobbing. How can I live with myself? I HATE MYSELF. I'M SO FUCKING USELESS. She's done so much for me and when this happened, even if I couldn't have known, I wasn't there. I want to throw up in disgust.

If I'm left alone between when my dad leaves for work and my sister gets home, I will cut. That makes me even worse. It will be my third time today and it will be deep and bloody. I would go to her for help but I can't.

Help me please.

Help me.

I'm so SELFISH. FUCK ME.

Update: My sister and her friends are here. Barely had time to wash the blood off my hands. Couldn't stop it on my leg. No time. Hysteric. Been crying. Frantic. Help me. Her friends can't see me like this. Have to cut more.

[Quahog]

I know how it feels, having to clean up, so nobody else will see. I understand how its hard for you to stop cutting, and how you didn't want your sister to know.

About your friend, you guys need to be there for each other. If you tell her to cut, how can you say that, if you can't stop yourself? True friends work through situations together. I really hope you do well, and we are all here to talk if you still have problems.

[Ambrosia]

That is an aweful feeling. All of them are, really. The feeling of betraying someone, even when you really didn't betray them that much at all. The feeling of needing to cut, and the urge to hide the evidence. You're panicing and you will panic again, since I'm a bit delayed in my answer.

As of right this moment you need to think about the facts. You are NOT a selfish person. When it comes to over-whelming emotions you can't exactly ignore them. They aren't called over-whelming for the Hell of it. They are just that: Over-Whelming, mind consuming, thought disrupting. And you can't just throw those types of feelings aside. You can't call yourself selfish for these facts, that's for sure. And what do you do when you get into these situations? You cut. It all goes hand-in-hand, not that it's right or that I am comending it.

Next time this happens, in any shape or form it may come in, you need to remember to take a mental pause. Take a deep breath. Remember to control that panic. And, if at all possible, assure that your friend is all right as of that moment. If you find yourself incapable of perceding any further you need to attempt and explain is as the minimal words possible for why you're walking away or remember to explain to her your panic-stricken ways later on when you have calmed down. Panicing during someone elses catastrophy isn't exactly recommended and you have to realize it's not your fault they did whatever it is they have just revealed and remember that, if you care for them, you want to work on concentrating on how they are after dropping the bomb shell.

[Charleigh]

Aww hun :/ That sucks.
Im here if you ever need to talk ok, you know that
:hug:

[Alaph]

Just because you cut yourself, doesn't mean she shouldn't.
It's better to be a hypocrite than not care about her.