My head is a mess.

[georgiamay]

The title says is all really. I feel pathetic when I can't self harm "deep" enough, I can't make any real decisions for myself, and my thoughts, are fucked up. The things that jump into my head are horrible. My therapist calls then intrusive thoughts, even though I refuse to even go into detail about what they are, she just guessed. She guessed right as well... she only knows she was right because my mouth fell open when she said it. They're wrong, I can't be normal if these things jump into my head for no reason. They're wrong in so many ways, I've had them for years. I've learnt to sort of control and ignore them, but the fact that I even think about them just freaks me the fuck out.

My dreams are... well, they're more flashbacks than anything, except they're not accurate, they're twisted out of proportion. I'm sick of them.

I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to kill myself, because that would be a waste of 15 years. But if I was never born? That's different. If I was never born there wouldn't be any years to waste. If I get to the point where I'm not thinking straight, I can't promise that I might just think, "fuck it" and just do it.

glad I got that out.
End of rant.

[Magenta]

I know exactly how you feel, Georgia. You're just existing. You're suffering but don't want to die. What if you never existed in the first place, right? Would save you from all of this. Thing is, there's no way to reverse it. I've seen your posts around here. You're a wonderful person who does not deserve to be feeling like this. :hug:

If you ever need to talk, definitely here for you. I wish there was a simple way to help you through this. Heck, if there was a simple way, I'd make all of this go away for all of you. But I can't so I offer to help all I can. :)

[Fiction]

Georgia me and so many other people on here would miss you if something happened to you. Who else would I text everyday? :O

You've told me about these intrusive thoughts before, maybe talking about them sometime with me would help? You know I won't judge at all :) I don't know much about flashbacks and such, but your therapist will. Maybe you should tell her more about them. Or ask if you can write down about them and show her. I think this would help a lot.

Your life wasn't a waste, and there are so many people who would be upset if you left. I'm always here for you :hug:

[Syvelocin]

Intrusive thoughts aren't fun. I can't pretend to know what yours are about of course, but mine are a symptom of my OCD that usually come around when I'm around other people. They're the kind of thoughts that I actually start worrying that people around me can read my mind over. Which I know isn't true, but it's my paranoia.

I'm the same way. I don't think I have the guts to kill myself. I always think about what if the birth control actually worked and I wasn't born? Or at least if I was still born, but born to my stepdad as well. A better life, two loving parents.

I don't want to die as well. I'm really scared of dying. And I'm glad that you don't seem to keen on it. I think it would kill me though if you were gone Georgia :) You and many others I've met on VT.

Hang in there, please :)

:hug:

[georgiamay]

They're the kind of thoughts that I actually start worrying that people around me can read my mind over. Which I know isn't true, but it's my paranoia.

I worry about the same thing. I had a thought like that in the middle of a lesson once, and I couldn't look up, because I convinced myself that people knew that I was thinking about it and that they were all staring at me. I knew it wasn't true, but it didn't matter at the time.

Thanks guys. :)

I might talk to my therapist about it... but I've never told anyone about it before >.< Except Kathy a little... :P

[MadManWithaBox]

Georgia you do want to live. I promise you. I understand, you feel shit right now, I really do. But I've tried to kill myself. If someone hadn't intervened, Id be dead.

Your not being able to self harm deep enough, maybe that you? You know it's wrong. You feel guilty for it. You can't control your thoughts, and their your thoughts. But their not good for you you know? Sortybthat probably sounds crap.

[Quahog]

Georgia I really don't want you to do something that could hurt yourself. I really hope that your therapist might be able to help you. Suicide just isn't worth it georgia.