Such a bad example...

[Magenta]

I'm such a hypocrite. I can't help myself. Why bother? It's useless. But I'm such a bad example. I try to help friends and I'm trying to run an SH recovery site. How can I do that when I'm cutting everyday? I blog there. I can't write about what I've done since I started it! I should not be on day 0 still.

Thing is, I know you're all going to say that I should use that to motivate myself to stop. But I don't want to. And you all know that there will be no stopping me unless I make that decision.

But I don't want to lie to the people I'm helping. I can't keep things in. I've tried- for other people's protection...

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm just sort of thinking/ranting out loud.

Dammit.

EDIT: Now on MSN with a friend who wants to cut. What the fuck can I say? I still do even when they tell me not to. It's never stopped me. What do words from me do? NOTHING. And I know it. I can't even help now because I am just spending my time hating myself and reminding myself how useless I am.

The best part? I'll prolly go cut now.

Wow. I am useless.

EDIT AGAIN: I really have to cut. I may be sick or start crying. Why am I so fucking terrible? I know going and cutting won't help what I'm complaining about but... I hate myself. I hate myself so much. Why can't these feelings just GO AWAY?! I'm too tired and in too much pain to try any harder. I want to give up. I want to be normal. Why did my life have to turn out so wasted?

[xootfly]

Is self harm about control for you ?
Or a mixture? Looking at that would be the best way to see what you could do to stop (when you are ready) .

[Magenta]

Honestly, I'm not sure why I self-harm. Control, self-punishment, releasing emotions... boredom and for fun. I know. I'm deranged and a freak. You can say it if you want. I expect it.

I don't even know why I posted this... all I'm doing is whining about something I'm obviously not going to change and taking up space that other people who really need help use...

*sigh* I don't know what I'm rambling on about.

[TheSleepingInsomniac]

Limmenel honestly i'm the same i cut then i tell others not to, but how about this can you at lest promess me you'll be careful, your so helpful and we have alot in common but today you can't email me after ten AM but i'll come online after i get back

[Magenta]

I promise I'll try to be careful. I don't know... sometimes I try to cut worse than I have before but I never manage to. Too scared, I guess. I'll be okay. Just having a severe case of self-hatred today.

[Alexithymia]

Jo, I hate to put the guilt thing on you, so I'll try and word it differently. I'll try and not cut if you don't cut. But when I slip up, I guess that's your free pass. Only do it if you feel you have to. And if you slip up, I'll only do it if I feel like I have to.

That seemed pointless. Oh, well. Hopefully I can help.

[Magenta]

Thanks, Mark... I'm not sure I'd want to do that to you. I don't trust myself. I'd end up hurting you more. I'm not sure I can do it.

[Alexithymia]

Nah. It's okay. I doubt I'm able to go 24 hours without cutting now. I don't think those 15 days of not cutting was healthy. Let's just try and ease out of this, okay?

[Magenta]

Okay. I'll try and work something out. I'll try. Thank you.

[xootfly]

Giving up cutting suddenly is a really bad idea to me, so I think to take it slowly is the best idea too. The fact you even think about stopping is much better than most!

[Magenta]

I don't know if I can. I've tried before. I've always relapsed. It just seems like no use.

[xootfly]

I've tried many times too, still yet to find a way. But when I do, will certainly let you know. But trying and failing I guess is part of it.
Take care of yourself.

[Quahog]

Everyday that you stop cutting, that's an accomplishment. It might seem like forever, but it would be well worth it, on your road to recovery.