My story.. (First time)

[Eukio]

Hi, i`m 20 so i know i`m a bit older than most here but i hope it`s ok for me to post..

I`ll start with my childhood.. I had an abusive father who i haven`t really seen since i was 7 when my parents split up. From there on every single of my mum`s partners were also abusive, i used to lie in bed wishing to help but frozen still. Life had it`s ups and downs, when i had turned 17 i got myself a job working on building sites so i moved out of home for some self responsibility, i earn`t a lot of money and eventually started drinking a lot. This is where i started to become so distant from everyone in my life.

About 10 months later the company closed and i lost my job, i became homeless and started sleeping on sofa`s until i was moved into a hostel were i decided to try and get my life back on track. I started college, by the end of my first year i`d got my own flat from the council and was feeling quite optimistic. Yes i had a hard time during my time in the hostel, having to go to food shelters and surviving on the bare minimums. The start of my 2nd year studying approached and i was doing fine for the first few weeks.. but there was a numbness in me, i felt empty like i was watching my life go by.. and this is when things took a turn for the worse..

I stopped going college, i stopped leaving my flat, when i get phone calls or knocks on my door, insane paranoia kicks in and i freeze. Whenever i go outside i feel like i`m being suffocated and return to my flat at the nearest possible chance. Recently my mother was messaging me, she blames herself for how i`m acting and i felt so angry with myself that i was hurting someone else, i picked up the closest sharp thing near me (a compass) and cut my wrists twice. It felt like such a release and now it`s all i can think about...

I know it`s a wall of text and it`s not all about cutting, i just needed to get it off my chest.. Thanks

[jamieallover]

Hey, I'm 19 and honestly I felt the same way when I first got on here but, I'll start off by saying I'm here if you ever need to talk. I understand when you say that all of your mother's boyfriend/spouse's acted abusive towards you because my stepfather is the same way towards me; I also started drinking to try to hide the pain. It's a personal way of self medicating for me. It's amazing to me that even though you were living out of a hotel, YOU managed to turn your life around without the help of anyone. Which is exactly what shows when you write on this website, that your trying to change your life around. I feel as if the paranoia and all that kind of self-fear starts when your anxiety level picks up, which is for me, what happens when my self esteem, self confidence or stress level diminishes or picks up. At the peak of my depression, I also felt extremely paranoid. I didn't leave my apartment, all I did was sleep. I lost my job and I also lost my scholarship at school. My depression crushed me; thats when my cutting got worse. To be honest, if this is the begining of your cutting, stop while your ahead. This is the time where it will be the easiest to stop. Because the more times you do it, the more you are going to get sucked in. And honestly, the feeling of cutting begins to make you sick after a while. And it gets scary when you start and feel like you can't stop. My mother also blamed alot of her issues as a reason for me to cut but even though alot of my issues stemmed from her, there not her fault. We look for ways to release our anger in any way thats easiest to make possible at the time, if that makes any sense at all. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to leave me a message or anything, I'm always awake and there if you need anything.

:)

[Quahog]

I'm very proud of you for sharing your story. My story is somewhat similar. But yes, I thought cutting made me complete. I hated the scars, but I just said to hell with it. I really hope that you can quit cutting. I hope that your relationship with your mother gets better to.

I don't know if you don't like looking at scars, but I don't. That is what sort of made quit. Was the scars, and the bleeding. I just didn't think it was worth it.

We're always here to help you, hopefully posting here might help.

http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=3861

[Fiction]

OP banned :locked: