FullyAlive
January 24th, 2011, 12:00 PM
Just need to vent a bit.
So I went to school today already having a bad day as I'd cut on my ankle 12 cuts of medium depth and had to use the time I'd set aside to do my French homework to bandage my ankle as I had pe. Then I managed to re open the cuts during pe so I had to re do the bandage.
It's quite sad in my opinion that I cut so frequently that I have a bag in my school bag full of plasters, gauze, bandages, antiseptic etc. I'm actually pathetic :/
I saw my teacher in the corridor quite a lot today I've been avoiding her, she told me she wouldn't refer me to anyone or phone my parents again as long as the self harm didn't escalate and I carried on seeing her on an informal basis. I've not seen her for two weeks so I'm pretty sure she's going to call me on it soon :/
I don't know why I just have some uncontrollable need to push away all the people who want to help me. I lied to my mum told her it was a phase and I was ok, lied to my friends I told them I'd get help from my teacher, lied to my teacher told her it was under control and less frequent when really its the opposite.
I just don't know what to do anymore I'm not even sure I want to stop, I like cutting it's a part of me now I don't really want to give it up. But at the same time I hate feeling like this sad all the time, always needing to cut, always alone. I know that i dont really have anything to be sad about but that doesnt matter because i am. Im sad. I hate me, and i hate my life. I just really feel like giving up.
Sorry if you've actually read all of this I just really needed to let it all out...
So I went to school today already having a bad day as I'd cut on my ankle 12 cuts of medium depth and had to use the time I'd set aside to do my French homework to bandage my ankle as I had pe. Then I managed to re open the cuts during pe so I had to re do the bandage.
It's quite sad in my opinion that I cut so frequently that I have a bag in my school bag full of plasters, gauze, bandages, antiseptic etc. I'm actually pathetic :/
I saw my teacher in the corridor quite a lot today I've been avoiding her, she told me she wouldn't refer me to anyone or phone my parents again as long as the self harm didn't escalate and I carried on seeing her on an informal basis. I've not seen her for two weeks so I'm pretty sure she's going to call me on it soon :/
I don't know why I just have some uncontrollable need to push away all the people who want to help me. I lied to my mum told her it was a phase and I was ok, lied to my friends I told them I'd get help from my teacher, lied to my teacher told her it was under control and less frequent when really its the opposite.
I just don't know what to do anymore I'm not even sure I want to stop, I like cutting it's a part of me now I don't really want to give it up. But at the same time I hate feeling like this sad all the time, always needing to cut, always alone. I know that i dont really have anything to be sad about but that doesnt matter because i am. Im sad. I hate me, and i hate my life. I just really feel like giving up.
Sorry if you've actually read all of this I just really needed to let it all out...