Afraid Of Me
January 24th, 2011, 10:49 AM
i thought that id post my story of why i am the way that i am. meaning depressed. anxious and i'm a litte schizophrentic, and i have ocd.
you guys can tell me what you think but please dont post something rude on here about how i dont have a right to be sad or something like that
thanks
so i'll start from the start =p
4 days after i turned 16 my father died =[ the day before it happend he was complaining about chest problems. he looked like he was in pain. he asked me to do something that day and i got mad at him. i dont remember what it was
i didnt think it was a big deal. my mom got home after noon and she took him to the hospital. still didint think it was a big deal. my mom got home at some point and said hed have to stay the night there and what was wrong with his heart could kill him. still didnt think it was a big deal. i didnt think it would happen
he had an aneurysm in his heart. i'm not completely sure what those are but from what i understand he split a blood vessel that pumps blood to his heart.
that same day i remember thinking it wouldnt be a bad thing if he died. he was kind of strict. now i understand he was like that because he wanted me and my brother to be real men,respectful,humble..... good people. but there were things he wouldnt let us do that i always went to my mom about like he wouldnt always let us go outside sometimes and hed nearly never let us use the computer or the phone. things like that. i remember thinking that i'd be able to do those things if he wasnt there anymore. i dont remember if i stopped myself from thinking that way or not. again i didnt think it would happen. that night [this is all in the same day he went to the hospital] i went and saw him in the hospital. i think something was telling me to do it but i dont think i really wanted to go visit him. but i did. my grand mother took me and my grandfather. i went to his room and saw him. they had him attached to all of these machines and wires. he was on so many meds he could barely stay awake while we were there. didnt think that was a big deal either.
we talked to him for a little. he didnt seem in that bad of shape. before we left i told him that he had to come out of what he was going through and that i loved him. last thing i said to him. he told me to take care of his father which i wasnt able to do. the next morning a little after 11 my mom was talking to him on the phone. i told her to tell him i said hi. he was saying he wanted to get the surgery they were offering him but it was heart surgery so it was very risky. they talked for a little and then they hung up. maybe 5 mins later. the phone rang. my mom answered and i just heard her running up the stairs saying "no...no" then she came back down a few mins later crying. i didnt know why at the time but her crying always made me cry. i went over and hugged her and asked her what was wrong and she said that the blood vessel ruptured and they were trying to save his life. still i dont think i fully understood the severity of the situation. we went to the hospital and 2 seperate cars because of how many of us there were. my brother wasnt in town at the time so he was coming back from pennsylvania since this all is taking place in baltimore. when we got to the hospital i had to help my grandmother find a parking spot. my mom was already in the hospital with my aunt. we found a spot to park and walked in the hospital, and went upstairs to where his room was. i was walking through the hallway when i saw him laying there in his bed. i thought he was sleep. yeah, i was wrong. i walked in the room and my mom was sitting there holding her head in her hands. she looked at me and rushed me out of the room. she didnt want me to see him laying there. i asked her what was wrong not realizing what happend. she told me with her head down. "he passed away" right there at that point everything in me sunk and i bawled my eyes out for atleast an hour in the hospital. never thought anything like that would happen. everything hit me at once i couldnt believe it. it was like a dream i honestly would not believe that it happend. everything hit me at once. all of the bad things that i'd said about him, every bad thing i'd ever thought about him, everything that hed taught me, morales, music. just hit me at once. and i realized how ungrateful i'd been. he was gone. i couldnt stop crying. more and more family started showing up. i think i hugged all of them. i couldnt believe he was gone. after an hour or so we went into the room with his body, prayed, and we left. we went home and everyone stopped crying. we all sat on the porch and talked. i still couldnt believe it. i went down stairs to my dads studio and turned music on. from outside on the porch it seemed like it was him in the basement who had turned it on. i felt like if i walked down there then hed be there. like he always was. this wasnt the case. afterwards i came back to pa with my brother. at the funeral his side of the family came and were a bit disrespectful. they smoked weed outside after the service which we had at our house. my mom had him cremated. me and my brother said some words about him during the service. the least i could do. afterwards his daughter started saying something about it not really being his ashes in the urn and that she wanted to open it to make sure which didnt make any sense because you wouldnt be able to tell who it was by the ashes. this freaked me out because it just seems like the most disrespectful thing to open someones urn. they left after they opened it and left the lid off of it. also freaked me out. havnt talked to them since. i blame myself for him dying and i still cant believe it happend. because of that day i'm scared to sleep because i think if i do i wont wake up. i have panic attacks if i sleep during the day so i cant do that.
this isnt everything thats happend to me since that day but i think i typed a whole lot to begin with so i'll post more of it tomorrow or in a few days.
you guys can tell me what you think but please dont post something rude on here about how i dont have a right to be sad or something like that
thanks
so i'll start from the start =p
4 days after i turned 16 my father died =[ the day before it happend he was complaining about chest problems. he looked like he was in pain. he asked me to do something that day and i got mad at him. i dont remember what it was
i didnt think it was a big deal. my mom got home after noon and she took him to the hospital. still didint think it was a big deal. my mom got home at some point and said hed have to stay the night there and what was wrong with his heart could kill him. still didnt think it was a big deal. i didnt think it would happen
he had an aneurysm in his heart. i'm not completely sure what those are but from what i understand he split a blood vessel that pumps blood to his heart.
that same day i remember thinking it wouldnt be a bad thing if he died. he was kind of strict. now i understand he was like that because he wanted me and my brother to be real men,respectful,humble..... good people. but there were things he wouldnt let us do that i always went to my mom about like he wouldnt always let us go outside sometimes and hed nearly never let us use the computer or the phone. things like that. i remember thinking that i'd be able to do those things if he wasnt there anymore. i dont remember if i stopped myself from thinking that way or not. again i didnt think it would happen. that night [this is all in the same day he went to the hospital] i went and saw him in the hospital. i think something was telling me to do it but i dont think i really wanted to go visit him. but i did. my grand mother took me and my grandfather. i went to his room and saw him. they had him attached to all of these machines and wires. he was on so many meds he could barely stay awake while we were there. didnt think that was a big deal either.
we talked to him for a little. he didnt seem in that bad of shape. before we left i told him that he had to come out of what he was going through and that i loved him. last thing i said to him. he told me to take care of his father which i wasnt able to do. the next morning a little after 11 my mom was talking to him on the phone. i told her to tell him i said hi. he was saying he wanted to get the surgery they were offering him but it was heart surgery so it was very risky. they talked for a little and then they hung up. maybe 5 mins later. the phone rang. my mom answered and i just heard her running up the stairs saying "no...no" then she came back down a few mins later crying. i didnt know why at the time but her crying always made me cry. i went over and hugged her and asked her what was wrong and she said that the blood vessel ruptured and they were trying to save his life. still i dont think i fully understood the severity of the situation. we went to the hospital and 2 seperate cars because of how many of us there were. my brother wasnt in town at the time so he was coming back from pennsylvania since this all is taking place in baltimore. when we got to the hospital i had to help my grandmother find a parking spot. my mom was already in the hospital with my aunt. we found a spot to park and walked in the hospital, and went upstairs to where his room was. i was walking through the hallway when i saw him laying there in his bed. i thought he was sleep. yeah, i was wrong. i walked in the room and my mom was sitting there holding her head in her hands. she looked at me and rushed me out of the room. she didnt want me to see him laying there. i asked her what was wrong not realizing what happend. she told me with her head down. "he passed away" right there at that point everything in me sunk and i bawled my eyes out for atleast an hour in the hospital. never thought anything like that would happen. everything hit me at once i couldnt believe it. it was like a dream i honestly would not believe that it happend. everything hit me at once. all of the bad things that i'd said about him, every bad thing i'd ever thought about him, everything that hed taught me, morales, music. just hit me at once. and i realized how ungrateful i'd been. he was gone. i couldnt stop crying. more and more family started showing up. i think i hugged all of them. i couldnt believe he was gone. after an hour or so we went into the room with his body, prayed, and we left. we went home and everyone stopped crying. we all sat on the porch and talked. i still couldnt believe it. i went down stairs to my dads studio and turned music on. from outside on the porch it seemed like it was him in the basement who had turned it on. i felt like if i walked down there then hed be there. like he always was. this wasnt the case. afterwards i came back to pa with my brother. at the funeral his side of the family came and were a bit disrespectful. they smoked weed outside after the service which we had at our house. my mom had him cremated. me and my brother said some words about him during the service. the least i could do. afterwards his daughter started saying something about it not really being his ashes in the urn and that she wanted to open it to make sure which didnt make any sense because you wouldnt be able to tell who it was by the ashes. this freaked me out because it just seems like the most disrespectful thing to open someones urn. they left after they opened it and left the lid off of it. also freaked me out. havnt talked to them since. i blame myself for him dying and i still cant believe it happend. because of that day i'm scared to sleep because i think if i do i wont wake up. i have panic attacks if i sleep during the day so i cant do that.
this isnt everything thats happend to me since that day but i think i typed a whole lot to begin with so i'll post more of it tomorrow or in a few days.