Alexithymia
January 23rd, 2011, 08:19 PM
(Sensible part at the end.)
I broke. Thursday. Finally. It was... too much. I couldn't go to school. I was punished. I don't care. Why don't I care? I don't know. It feels... different. Lighter. Easier. Calmer. Am I psychotic? Meh. Maybe. I don't know. The hallucinations of stopped... I think. But then again... I feel different. Like there someone else in my mind. Someone who's pushing up and about to break through. I know I'm definitely messed up now. I'm paranoid. More so than ever. But I can't remember anything. The dissociation has gone up drastically. I've nearly had three suicide attempts. Stopped myself on each one. I'm afraid of myself. I know the normal Mark wouldn't kill himself, but perhaps the new mark will? I don't know. I broke. That's all I know. I know that I shouldn't have. But I had to. I broke, broke, broke, broke. I can't even think anymore. I don't know what to do. It easier being broken. Everything that happens just makes you MORE damaged. It funny actually. I've barely slept at ALL these past few days. The anorexia has gone up severely. But it's not confusing anymore. It all makes sense now. It's not because I'm messed up. It's only because I'm broken.
I'm not myself anymore. There's two Marks in me. One of them is normal. Nice, kind, loving. The other is motherly but extremely sadistic. I wonder if this is an after effect of me being bullied all my school life? I wonder if this is an after effect of the extreme emotional trauma? I wonder if this is an after effect of the abuse from my brother? Meh. Probably not. Just me and myself. Two mes now. Or three. Or four. I don't know. Maybe it's just one who isn't sure which way to go.
I don't know if I'm sorry about this post or not. I don't feel bad for posting it. I just feel... empty. Now that I've let this out what's left in me? I don't know. Don't respond to this part.
Edit: I just read it and it made absolutely no sense. Let me try and explain...
I had a mental breakdown Thursday. As you can probably tell, it was a bad one. I do feel different now. I feel... hurt. I can be irritable as hell in a second and then be impossible to piss off the next. I don't know what disorder I have but it made itself be shown Thursday. I can barely handle anything now. I'm grounded from the computer, but right now I need help from other teenagers. I might need professional help right now, but I want to do it over the internet. Does that make sense? Probably not. Anyway, the second paragraph is me worrying about some personality problem. I feel like I have multiple egos. Or personalities. Or maybe it's just me going crazy. Anyway, I'm not sure what that means. I need don't know what it's supposed to feel like. I feel like one is motherly, but can be sadistic to people the he doesn't like. Another is me, who's kind but has a short temper (and makes that clear) and extremely defiant. The third one is just... off? The third one is also heterosexual, whereas I'm homosexual. He's the most unclear the the three. I hope this helps.
I broke. Thursday. Finally. It was... too much. I couldn't go to school. I was punished. I don't care. Why don't I care? I don't know. It feels... different. Lighter. Easier. Calmer. Am I psychotic? Meh. Maybe. I don't know. The hallucinations of stopped... I think. But then again... I feel different. Like there someone else in my mind. Someone who's pushing up and about to break through. I know I'm definitely messed up now. I'm paranoid. More so than ever. But I can't remember anything. The dissociation has gone up drastically. I've nearly had three suicide attempts. Stopped myself on each one. I'm afraid of myself. I know the normal Mark wouldn't kill himself, but perhaps the new mark will? I don't know. I broke. That's all I know. I know that I shouldn't have. But I had to. I broke, broke, broke, broke. I can't even think anymore. I don't know what to do. It easier being broken. Everything that happens just makes you MORE damaged. It funny actually. I've barely slept at ALL these past few days. The anorexia has gone up severely. But it's not confusing anymore. It all makes sense now. It's not because I'm messed up. It's only because I'm broken.
I'm not myself anymore. There's two Marks in me. One of them is normal. Nice, kind, loving. The other is motherly but extremely sadistic. I wonder if this is an after effect of me being bullied all my school life? I wonder if this is an after effect of the extreme emotional trauma? I wonder if this is an after effect of the abuse from my brother? Meh. Probably not. Just me and myself. Two mes now. Or three. Or four. I don't know. Maybe it's just one who isn't sure which way to go.
I don't know if I'm sorry about this post or not. I don't feel bad for posting it. I just feel... empty. Now that I've let this out what's left in me? I don't know. Don't respond to this part.
Edit: I just read it and it made absolutely no sense. Let me try and explain...
I had a mental breakdown Thursday. As you can probably tell, it was a bad one. I do feel different now. I feel... hurt. I can be irritable as hell in a second and then be impossible to piss off the next. I don't know what disorder I have but it made itself be shown Thursday. I can barely handle anything now. I'm grounded from the computer, but right now I need help from other teenagers. I might need professional help right now, but I want to do it over the internet. Does that make sense? Probably not. Anyway, the second paragraph is me worrying about some personality problem. I feel like I have multiple egos. Or personalities. Or maybe it's just me going crazy. Anyway, I'm not sure what that means. I need don't know what it's supposed to feel like. I feel like one is motherly, but can be sadistic to people the he doesn't like. Another is me, who's kind but has a short temper (and makes that clear) and extremely defiant. The third one is just... off? The third one is also heterosexual, whereas I'm homosexual. He's the most unclear the the three. I hope this helps.