Why do I feel like it is my identity?

[schrei jess]

Ive been cutting for about three years. I hate it. I despise it. I wish I had never started. It's disgusting. But I love it. I love it so much, it's like my best friend and worst enemy. When I do it now, it's not like I have a reason, I just do it because I feel like Im supposed to. It isnt about being depressed or hating myself...for some reason, I just do it...to do it.

I dont want to do this anymore. Im tired of telling people some lame story about my dog scratching me up. It's obvious it's a lie. And plenty of people can see through it, but I still tell it. I dont want anyone to take this away from me, but I dont want to do this anymore. Why is it ike that? If I stop cutting, I feel like I wont be me anymore, and I guess that is what's keeping me from quitting.

Is there anyway to stop this? The strange thing is, it isnt hard for me to just stop cutting. But after Ive stopped for a while, I feel like Im not me anymore, I have to cut to be me again. I dont think I will ever return to normal unless I can feel like cutting isnt me. I think that is what is holding me back. I dont want to let go.

[-Silence]

I'm the exact same way, so I'm sorry I don't know what to say. Don't know how to fix it. I'm sorry.

:hug:

[schrei jess]

Doesnt anyone know why this is the way I feel, or how to stop it?

I feel like someone else has gotten inside of me and is controlling my cutting - making is worse.

Everything I look at becomes something I could SI with! I used the cap to a water bottle for goodness sakes, this is getting to be too much. I dug it into my skin so hard there is a circular scar :(

[krazy_katie]

a therapist i had once said that after awhile of cutting it becomes an addiction, just like smoking or taking drugs. we depend on it to make us happy or satisfied. but i feel the same way as you do. i'll go through cycles where i won't cut for a long time but then i give in because i HAVE to. i don't know sorry if this didn't help.

[terith]

uhhh cutting is like a frenemy lol

frenemy : fren-emy
a friend and an enemy at the same time lol

[Hyper]

Yes it's an addiction a psychological one..

[schrei jess]

This was posted in november in case ya'll didnt notice, and yes I know it is an addiction Ive figured that out by now first hand.

[Bobby]

You're allowed to post in old topics.

[schrei jess]

I know that, but I asked this question months ago...so Im not really concerned about it anymore...