I'm so stupid

[Syvelocin]

I couldn't take it.

It was way too much. Too many calories, not enough will power.

I've never thrown up purposefully with a motive to get rid of the food. I made myself throw up once in school so I could go home. But never like this.

I've spent the last 45 minutes or so in the bathroom, figuring out what worked and what didn't. Tears streaming down my cheeks, spitting out all that saliva, and technically I threw up four times. I know that wouldn't cut it to get rid of everything.

And now I'm up at 1:30, Jay's been asleep for a while now, I'm shaky, pale and red at the same time, the palest I've ever seen myself. And why does my throat hurt when I swallow?

And the scariest part, I feel good.

I'm going to try to fake sleeping in and miss my support group. I don't think I could face them.

I thought I was all better, for the most part. And then I do this, I don't know why it popped into my head. I always hated the idea. I guess, with being 50 days free of self-harm, I had to replace it with something...

Now I'm a hypocrite and ignorant and stupid and pathetic. I know what I've lost. But what I can gain is coming back into view :(

[georgiamay]

:hug3:

Purging isn't exactly a pleasant thing to do, but I know that feeling all too well when it seems like the only thing you can do to get rid of the food.
The feeling good bit? Well, I think that must be endorphines or something. I get that feeling everytime. It's like I'm mentally a whole lot lighter, even if my head is a mess.
purging is nasty, and considering this is the first time you've done it, I'd suggest that you never do it again. It's not good for you, and soon it becomes the equivalent of self harm.

You're not stupid or pathetic, or any of the stuff you said. You did something because you thought you had to, and now you realise that you shouldn't have done it, and now, you can make sure that you never do it again.
Everyone does silly things from time to time that seem like a good idea at the time, but that doesn't make them stupid people.

I know how you feel, I really do. :hug:

[Charleigh]

Now I'm a hypocrite and ignorant and stupid and pathetic. I know what I've lost. But what I can gain is coming back into view :(

No your not.
You just stumbled and fell thats all hun, now you just need to get up. I will always be here for you if you need help hun. Sometimes, when you fall, you need something (being sick/cutting/etc) to help you get up, but doing those things doesnt help you up, it just makes you want to dig deepier into the hole. Hun, you can always talk to Jay? Even if you dont want to talk to Jay, you can always talk to me if you want.
:hug:
Big hug for Syvelocin ^^

[Fiction]

I know exactly how you feel, but you have to realise that one small slip up is not the end of the world. Try and eat a steady amount of calories.

Purging isn't nice, but I think it's normal for your throat to hurt afterwards, mine still hurts from last night. I never feel good after purging, I feel better, but not good. So I can't really relate to that feeling.

You are tiny Rith, you know that even if you can't feel that. There is no need for you to loose any weight, in fact you need to gain weight. You are seriously really pretty and shouldn't have any issues about your weight or any other aspect of your appearance. Of curse I know how hard it is to see that in yourself, and I know nothing anyone on VT can say about that will change your mind, but think about Jay. he obviously doesn't think you are too fat. He's stuck with you through all of this, he obviously loves you very much :)

[Syvelocin]

Thanks all :)

I know. But I looked in the mirror, which I've had a problem with. I avoid looking at myself as much as possible, but I did it, and it sickened me. I don't want to be 8st anymore. I can't imagine what I'd look like. I don't want to be that heavy.

I've been mostly eating about half of what my doctor has been telling me to eat, which isn't what I used to eat but it's been on the lower side. Then yesterday, I had pretty much everything I was supposed to have, but it felt like way too much.

I've gained 8lbs since August and I don't like it :/ I just snapped. I've been trying to be strong, but I can't do it anymore.

I can tell Jay, I know that. But I'm too scared to.