Gave in and purged my guts out.

[Triceratops]

I've posted a thread like this on an ED support site just now, so I'll just copy and paste most of it from there.

I've just wasted a fucking long space of time without binging and purging. So many months down the drain. All ruined within an hour. I mean, I recall TYPING a post on VT whilst binging on crap. A big round of applause for me. -__-

The worst part is, I couldn't even throw up everything I had put into my body. I usually use "colour markers" (different coloured foods coming up in your vomit) so I know when I've nearly got everything up. I probably only managed to purge about a quarter (at the very most) of all the food. Each time I tried to make myself gag, I felt like I was about to black out. I kept trying harder and harder, but as much as it killed me I had to stop. My eyes were sore, watery and blurry and I felt dizzy as shit. If I kept trying to force myself to vomit I probably would have fainted or something, and then everybody in the house would find me on the bathroom floor...and I think you can fucking picture the rest. I could have sworn I saw a bit of blood coming out, but I'm sure it was probably the strawberry jelly. I really hope so anyway. I don't think I've ever puked blood, even at my worst peak (which was straight up BAD).

I still have about 3,000 calories inside my body and I just want to scream and cry and rip my stomach out. I've gone from fucking surviving on 200 calories in a day to THIS monstrosity. I hate myself. I hate being fat. I go and fucking do this to myself. I hate myself so much I can't even describe it into words.

I'm shaking with nerves and anger right now. I don't know what to do with myself tbh.

[MadManWithaBox]

Marshki, I won't pretend I understand eating disorders, or whatever you've got. But I do understand resisting something for so long, giving in, and feeling crap. And the feeling of dissatisfaction with yourself. All I can say is, cliche and bullshit as it sounds, is maybe you've thrown your time way in a single moment of weakness. But almost everyone facing problems like this slip up, myself included. All you can do is, to carry on, of course it's not as simple as that, and try again. Try and break your record. Motivate yourself to do better, doesn't matter how. I think, although I don't know you that well, you can do it.

[Fiction]

Marcie, one slip up is not the end of the world. One slip up did NOT ruin all those months. They still happened, you still had the strength to go 6 months, and you can do it again.

Slipping up does not make you a failure. Not picking yourself back up again, however, does. Forget the fact that you've just eaten so much, however hard that may be, and concentrate on regulating your eating patterns. Eating 200 calories a day you are bound to end up binging at some point. You are bound to get so hungry you will eat all that you can. Try eating more, you won't binge as much then and you can still loose weight.

I don't know your weight, but I can tell you you don't look fat at all.

[Triceratops]

Thank you for the support.

The guilt will not go away. I honestly don't think there's much I can do about that.

The thing is, the desire to stop is non-existent. I can't wait til the day when all of my bones are jutting out everywhere. It will be a "fuck you all I'm skinny and amazing now" to everything. My BMI is 20 and that is utterly disgusting for me. I won't stop until it says I'm underweight. Just a month or two and I'll easily be there. I just need to fucking stop binging, or if I do I need to man up and puke it all out.

I dunno.

[Charleigh]

I can't wait til the day when all of my bones are jutting out everywhere. It will be a "fuck you all I'm skinny and amazing now" to everything. My BMI is 20 and that is utterly disgusting for me. I won't stop until it says I'm underweight. Just a month or two and I'll easily be there. I just need to fucking stop binging, or if I do I need to man up and puke it all out.

So ... you want to be anorexic with a bag of shit taped to your hip?

You are fine as you are, why on EARTH would you want to be able to see your bones. I have already been there and done it, was pretty back then but fucking hell, turn this around while you can. Being a bag of bones isnt fun, it hurts mentally and physcially.
Here if you need to talk.
:hug:

[scuba steve]

Thank you for the support.

The guilt will not go away. I honestly don't think there's much I can do about that.

The thing is, the desire to stop is non-existent. I can't wait til the day when all of my bones are jutting out everywhere. It will be a "fuck you all I'm skinny and amazing now" to everything. My BMI is 20 and that is utterly disgusting for me. I won't stop until it says I'm underweight. Just a month or two and I'll easily be there. I just need to fucking stop binging, or if I do I need to man up and puke it all out.

I dunno.


Why would you purposely force yourself to be underweight and just doing yourself more damage? A BMI of 20 is perfectly healthy, if your so worked up about it why not exercise rather than slowly destroying yourself as well as your own mental well being? Do you currently do any substantial exercise?

[Triceratops]

So ... you want to be anorexic with a bag of shit taped to your hip?

You are fine as you are, why on EARTH would you want to be able to see your bones. I have already been there and done it, was pretty back then but fucking hell, turn this around while you can. Being a bag of bones isnt fun, it hurts mentally and physcially.
Here if you need to talk.
:hug:

Thanks hun. :)

I don't want to be anorexic. Being bulimic is already hell.

Why would you purposely force yourself to be underweight and just doing yourself more damage? A BMI of 20 is perfectly healthy, if your so worked up about it why not exercise rather than slowly destroying yourself as well as your own mental well being? Do you currently do any substantial exercise?

Because it's my goal, I've never felt good in myself and I can't help it.

And I think I have already destroyed myself and my mental well being long ago...lol.

[Charleigh]

And I think I have already destroyed myself and my mental well being long ago...lol.

No you havent!
You can change it now before you get to the point where you need professional help, its easier than you think to turn it around..

Btw, no I didnt have the bag of shit taped to my hip, THANKFULLY, I gpt admitted to hospital because I was fucked up basically, but its really not nice hun. Also, all of the doctors keep weighing you and examining you, gets a bit invading if you know what I mean.

[Triceratops]

I don't think you understand.

I've already had professional help for years. It is too late. My chance to "turn things round" was gone long, long ago. I have to live with this forever. All I can do now is try to control it, because it will never ever go away. Sorry but that's a real eating disorder for you. I know you've only seen me around the forums for...not very long at all (like a few weeks or something), so you won't know my story at all. If you're that bothered about the gory details then PM me or ask someone who has known me for AGES.

Sorry if that's coming on a bit harshly. I know you're just trying to make me feel better, but honestly there really is no need. Thank you though. :)

[Scarface]

OP request

:locked2: