I can't stop.

[RAWWR]

Hey everyone, so I'm sure you've all seen me posting around the boards, but latley i've been struggling a lot more, and was wondering if I could ask you all something?
So here's the situation. I'm 16, i've been self harming since I was 12. I think since I made that first cut, the longest i've gone without self harming is a week. Latley, I've been trying to stop, but i've noticed something:
I can't. I know I am addicted, which is a contributing factor, but i've also realised that as soon as I get to around 4 days free, I get scared that I will stop, and then where would I be? If I stopped cutting, and the urges went, how would I cope when things got hard? What would I do without it? I feel like i am holding on to my self harm because I'm scared of not having it!
Is this normal? Do any of you feel like this? I'm so confused right now :(

[Charleigh]

Yes I feel like this all of the time hun.
No its not normal, but for a self harmer yes its normal.
You need to get some help hun, you cant keep on with cutting your self all the time (hypocrite much :L). Yes I do cut for the slightest of things and I feel like I cant stop, only because I wont get help and I refuse it.
Im here if you ever need to talk
:hug:

[RAWWR]

Thankyou. I am currently in DBT, but to be honest, I think thats making my self harm worse. It helps me, but I am self harming because I know if I get better I will have to leave. Does that make sense?
I don't know anymore, part of me wants to get better and have a normal life, but the other part wants to stay here with the cutting, because it's safe and comfortable. Recovery is so scary.

[FullyAlive]

I feel exactly like this, I want to stop cutting but the minute I do even for a day, I feel like I need to cut, like without it I'm losing a part of me and my identity. I know it's bad but I'm to scared of a future without cutting to stop. If I'm honest i don't even only cut when I'm upset or sad anymore I cut when I'm happy because I like it. It scares me how much I like it :/
The only thing I can suggest is to tell someone, how you're thinking. I'm sure you can change you're way of thinking with a bit of help. Hope you're ok :)

[Fiction]

I feel exactly like this too.

You need to get to a point in your life where you are comfortable, where you have support, and where you don't feel you have any reason to self harm :)

That may be hard right now, but there are going to be so many changes in your future. When you move out, for example. Take these changes as a chance to change something else at the same time :)

[RAWWR]

Thanks guys, I know I will eventually beat this, there is so much more I want in my life, But at the moment that all seems so far away. I'm looking at universitys and I feel like I'm planning someone else's future, I can't go to uni. I'm too fucked up :/ None of this makes sense.

[xxLostAndUnfound]

Before I recovered, I felt like that too. I remember telling myself, "If ____ happens, it will be okay, because I have my cutting."

Going through sadness and depression are part of life, and you can't always try to run from it. Cutting is not the only way to deal with the situation, and I say that from experience, not as a random person telling you not to do it!

Whatever the situation might me, remember that you have people here for you to help you get through this - you don't have to hurt yourself to make the hurt go away. I promise.

If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to PM me, I can give you some of my contacts if need be. People are here for you, to listen, to help you through this.

[Mike321]

I've been feeling like this for a while now, I can make it around a week without doing it, but I sometimes worry what if i can actually stop.
I think over the years I have become more and more addcited to it, so I sort get how you feel when you said that your feeling your holding onto self harm because you'd be scared of not having it in your life.

But its reallty that that you want so much more from your life, dont make the same mistake I did, I had the chance to go to uni and I threw it away. If you want it, go for it.
Like Kathy said, there will be alot of changes in your life in the next few years, and good changes at that.
You will beat this, it wont be easy but you have everyones support on here.
Hope this helps

[Alexithymia]

I know I am addicted, which is a contributing factor, but i've also realised that as soon as I get to around 4 days free, I get scared that I will stop, and then where would I be? If I stopped cutting, and the urges went, how would I cope when things got hard? What would I do without it? I feel like i am holding on to my self harm because I'm scared of not having it!
Is this normal? Do any of you feel like this?
I quoted that part because that's exactly what I'm going through. To be honest... I don't want to stop. I want to cut. I want to have the scars. (Well... on some days. Not today, though.) I want that pain. The blood. I'll stop describing, I know I'm triggering myself. >.< But I know what you're going through. Kind of. I know that when you stop... it's near unbearable to think about. Not because you can't do it. In the circumstances I'm in right now, stopping should be a breeze. But because then how you would cope?

I'm trying to deal with this by just telling myself that it isn't worth it. The distrust from your family is only going to cause more stress. The hate from your school because you refuse to participate in any activity that requires you to roll up your sleeves is going to cause more stress. I'm just trying to tell myself it isn't worth it. It's kind of worked. :)