Losing myself.

[Magenta]

I don't know who I am anymore. Am I here? Am I there? Why is it when I have those horrifying flashbacks can I not cry? I'm high as a kite even though I should be sad and I just smile through. I have been for three days. But I feel the crash. It's coming soon. I've been like this since I was young. I think the medication is just making the highs even higher and it is terrifying me. I have no control. I look in the mirror and I see a tired, sick, skinny girl with an eating disorder and an addiction. I don't see myself. I don't know who she is. I don't know who I am. I've gone through so many names and aliases, online and offline. Jocelyn, Victoria, Prue, Corinne, Sophia, Ally. All these people... not so different on the inside but it feels like it. I haven't split but I'm torn between styles and ways to act and what I like and what I don't. I want friends from different groups... some days I don't fit in and others I do. People say sometimes they don't recognize me when my moods change or other things. I wish I could just have some control. I only like to sleep. Sleep is surreal because often my dreams are calmer than life. I have exams. I want a break. I don't want to break down since my marks are already slipping. I feel ugly and fat. My arms and legs are scarred and I want to make them worse. My face is scarred and I want to hide it. I want to scream. I want to cry but I want to laugh. I want to be normal but I want to be crazy. I'm always angry... sometimes I'm mean. I'm always anxious, sometimes I'm overly nice to get people to leave me alone. Sometimes I hear things I'm not sure are imaginary, a hallucination or a dream. I'm a freak.

Fuck this.

Sorry, needed to rant.

EDIT: Just reread this and barely even know what I'm talking about.

[Ambrosia]

It's okay. But, then again, everyone always says that when something bad is going on. "It's okay. Everything will be alright." But ya know, if you try to believe it that's what will happen. One day. Someday. Just gotta hold on. Maybe write. And remember you're beautiful and you're opinion on that totally doesn't matter! Only ours! (I'm kidding. It does matter. But when you think you're ugly it shouldn't.)

[Afraid Of Me]

i know how you feel
i'm the same way. barely know who i am anymore. spent too much time trying to be someone else and now i dont know who i am. i think the best thing is to stick to what you like to do. youll figure it out

[Syvelocin]

I saw myself in that post, honestly.

I still don't really know who I am. I know myself pretty well, but I don't know who I am, if that makes sense. I've been quite constant generally. I like this music, I like these clothes. I think my mentality changes constantly however. I have times when I want to be this type of person and times I want to be another type of person. I usually don't go by much other than my usual name except for the nicknames. My outside family calls me Nicole all the time which bothers the hell out of me. Jay has grown to add "ie" to the end of Rith -_- Etc. In the end, I'm called by so many names now that remind me of different times in my life, but I can never correct anyone. All the names I've gone by feel like different people. As a kid, I went by my middle name. Later I decided I'd go by my full first name. Now I go by a shortened version of my first name. And though it was only style, the other people who went by those names are dead now.

I always thought I had myself figured out, but I don't. Not until I start living will I find out.

Anyway. I just wanted to let you know that I can related to you. I personally always find it comforting when people understand or have even gone through what I'm currently dealing with. It takes the place of the loneliness I feel, to know that at least I'm going through it along with someone else.

Take care hun.