SlightlySane
January 19th, 2011, 11:37 PM
Imagine this... You're not sure if your heart is beating at all, or if it's actually just beating to fast to feel. The closer you get the more nervous you become. Your thoughts are buzzing louder than a hive of busy bees. "Will he be upset that I was late," you wonder. You pull into the parking lot. Which car is his? Should you try to park beside it? There's only one spot left so it doesn't matter. He's standing in front of the restaurant. He's gorgeous, no, he's more than that but you can't think of a word for it. Angelic? Are angels that beautiful? He's tall, handsome, blond hair, blue eyes, tan skin, he's perfect... Why does he want to go on a date with you? You're not sure, but you can't argue with that. Crap... You've been sitting in your car too long, you check your hair and make sure you don't smell. You get out of your car, taking a little to long to lock it, and then you go up to meet him.
"Hi, I'm sorry but can I just hug you," you ask him.
He let's you hug him, he hugs you back actually. He's strong and comfortable. This will be a great day. You just know it. He's dressed in all blue... Just like he said he would be. Why though? Because blue is your favorite color of course. You notice the leather peace bracelet on his left wrist. That's the hand you want to hold, but it's not time for that yet. The waitress seats you near a window. You feel relieved that you can look out the window when eye contact gets awkward. He's very polite and well mannered. He only gets up to get his food when you do. Never taking a bite until you're seated as well. "My gosh he is just beautiful," you think, "I'm so lucky he even considered a date with me." He's so nervous that he can barely eat. His hands are shaking and you find it amazing that he's so nervous. How could a man like this be so nervous about you? It amazes you, you're absolutely stunned. You give him a compliment and he turns RED, he turns VERY RED. You giggle and let a snort slip, he laughs so hard and it's your turn to blush. His laugh is amazing, you've never heard one like it. In fact nothing about him is something you've ever seen. That's what makes him so beautiful.
He steals the bill.... how he got that by you, you're really not sure. You take your car and follow him to the movie theater. You make the sneaky move now and pay for the tickets. The movie you planned to see isn't at this theater, that's okay though, you really don't mind. Then you have an idea, "should we leave one car here so that we don't have to chase each other around?"
"Sure, whose car would you like to take?"
"You know the area better, let's take yours," you say grinning.
You feel smooth with that move.
Now you have three hours to waste before the movie starts. You decide together to go to Barnes and Nobles. There you buy the book that was made into the movie you originally planned to see, Charlie St. Cloud. After about 45 or so minutes in there you head of to the mall. There isn't a whole lot in the mall but you both look around a bit. You walk very close to him, on purpose of course. You really want to put your arm around him and kiss him right there, but you're not quite ready for that. You draw out your time at the mall for as long as you can. You get bored though and suggest maybe hanging out in Meijer. There's about an hour to kill till the movie starts so you lead him around the store looking at the most random of things. Then he gets brave and tickles you. You thought you weren't ticklish, but he found your spot on the very first try, yes he is perfect. This goes on through the hour.
Imagine this... You're in the theater sitting beside him. The previews are still playing and you want to hold his hand. The house lights begin to dim and you see him shaking. "Are you nervous," you question.
"Yes," he replies with a shaky voice.
You grab his hand and almost as though he can't get a tight enough hold he has yours totally in his grasp. All you can do is look at him now, you don't even remember what movie you came to see. You get braver and lean your head against him, he puts his on yours. You turn your face towards his and your noses touch. He whispers your name almost as though he's ready to ask a question. Before he can ask, you kiss him. It's just a peck on the lips, but you kiss him. He's shocked, very shocked and takes a moment. Then he kisses you back, and he really kisses you.
Imagine this... You've held hands with someone for the first time, you've gone on your first date, you've felt your first real butterflies, and now, you've had your first kiss.
Now the movie is over and you decide to go out for ice cream. You fight over who is going to pay and the cashier finds it adorable. There's a couch in the ice cream shop and you decide to eat your ice cream together. This is your last moment together of the day before leaving. After ice cream you meet him at your car. You don't want to leave... but you have to. You exchange hugs, kiss, and take a picture together and part your separate ways... But before you can make it out of the parking lot he calls you. "Will you be my boyfriend," he asks.
"Yes," you say as you begin to cry. You're happier than you've ever been. From then on you talk all the way home, never letting him know you're crying the whole entire time.
Imagine this... You're 17, never had a date, a senior in high school, you're now in love, you've had the best day ever that you never expected to ever happen, and... You're gay, not out to your parents, he lives two hours away and you've met in the middle.
After two weeks you find an excuse to go see him again, but you're not going to be able to fool your mother for long. You go on a date with him again. It's just as good as the last time, only better...
Imagine this... You're so proud to call him your boyfriend you don't want to hide him... You can't, you're so deeply in love. So... You tell your mom. She accepts it at first, but takes time to herself to think. She cries the next day... all day long. She tells you she can't accept this, maybe you're confused. You show her how much you love him, you told her because you love him and are proud of him. In the next months time she realizes this, and for the first time she calls him your boyfriend. You cry, you're happy, you're free.
For your birthday he buys you a gift that represents two of your greatest passions. You can't believe this. It's almost your one month anniversary, and in three weeks... homecoming. This is all so perfect in your mind. Now your dreams are your reality, literally. You talk with him on the phone almost every night, the distance isn't so bad, seeing him every two weeks. At first your mom doesn't want questions asked, you can't take him to homecoming. Your best friend changes her mind. For the very first time in your high school career, you have a date to a dance.
Imagine this... Homecoming day you wake up early because you couldn't sleep. You are VERY anxious and excited. He gets lost on the way there though.. A couple times. You're getting nervous and scared.. but he shows up and it all goes away. Dressed in matching outfits you're ready. Pictures are taken, flowers exchanged, it's time for the dance. You arrive slightly late. All eyes are on you and your date. You've just come out to your school. That doesn't bother you, the rest of the night is so enjoyable, like nothing ever before. After the dance he comes to your house again. You change out of your dress clothes and settle on the couch together. Cuddling and watching a movie for a few hours... but he has to leave, his mother is not at all pleased with the idea of him staying the night. Why? You're not really sure. She doesn't know that he's gay. Before he leaves he invites you to a Halloween party in his town, you can't help but accept. This will be the first time you meet some of his friends.
Imagine this... You're on your way to the party. You love that you're going to get to spend this time with him. Unfortunately, his mother said you cannot spend the night. She has to work late and doesn't want anyone at the house who doesn't live there. Good excuse? The party is incredible, you get to meet all his friends and he isn't ashamed of you.. This is his way of coming out to almost his whole school, but he's not afraid. You don't want to go home, but you have to. It was great... This is going so perfectly. You love him so much.
Imagine this... After many more meet ups and weeks of phone calls you get to go and see his fall play. Your mom accepts you so well right now and you get a hotel for the night. He's amazing, a wonderful actor, you focus more on him than the play. He came over to your hotel before hand and you got to cuddle on the bed, your mom was there and everything. Wow, this is so perfect, what an incredible mom you have. After his play you're invited to a cast party. He comes and picks you up and takes you on to the party. You see many familiar faces from the halloween party, and you're so comfortable there with him. With his friends you play a game. You decide to be partners during the game so that you can cuddle together while you play. His director shows up and mistakes you as dating a girl in the cast.. Not until later does she realize your dating her lead man. After the party you go back to the hotel. He must be home by four and it's one o'clock now. Three hours seems like a long time but it's not enough. Then you remember... Daylights savings time and the time change. You have another hour. It's amazing! You cuddle and talk on the bed all through the night. You couldn't think of a better way to spend time with him. The next morning he meets you and your mom for breakfast and then it's time to go home. You cry and cry and cry. Mom tries to make it feel better even though she knows she can't. You don't feel like it's fair that you have to leave him like this. You talk to him the rest of the day, texting and calling. He misses you so much... This angelic man is your boyfriend, you are so lucky you can't explain.
There are more dates and meet ups with him. This is just incredible how you finally have a boyfriend, and he is the man of your dreams. Soon things take a turn. His grandmother ends up in the hospital, he's forced to miss a date even though you've already arrive... You're upset, maybe next week? No... Not next week, now it's been three weeks since you've seen him. It's Sunday night and you're cry because you miss him. You tell him how much you love him, but he doesn't say it back... Somethings not right.
Imagine this... Over the next few days he's getting more and more distant. You're freaked out now. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Baby, I love you so much what's happening?"
"I feel like we're being separated."
No no no... You're not, you can't handle that. You're scared and crying and destroyed. What happened, what went wrong. What did you do. Why does he feel like this. Why won't he say he loves you back... he doesn't love you anymore?
Imagine this... You finally get him to talk on the phone, things are okay and getting better. You're going to see him again on Sunday and everything will be alright. You're so relieved, you thought you were going to lose him. "The feelings are back..." He texts to you. You break down crying, you're driving home. You beg God out loud to fix this. "Please God, please tell me what to do. I love him won't you help me? Forgive me for crying out to your, but my heart his broken, please God... please..."
Your mom finds you in your room crying and you tell her what happens. She's trying to help, she's texting him and telling him just to end it... that's not what he wants though. You talk to him on the phone crying. You're begging him, but he's hurting you. You tell him to forget about him, that it won't hurt for long. You're sobbing and asking why, you're so scared and don't understand. He can't leave you like this, not the way people have before. You're still going to meet on Sunday...
Imagine this... You're going to lose the one you love... Why though? You'll never find out... He can't tell you, you're left to wonder. You've been sick this whole week. You can't eat, can't sleep, can't function. You miss school... You meet him on Sunday... He gives you back your senior key... You can't look him in the eye because YOU feel ashamed that you have done something wrong. You want so badly to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, and tell him you love him. He's standing 10 feet from you... He's never stood so far away before. You get upset and angry, demanding an answer, he gives you none. He thinks you hate him and you try to assure him that you don't. He wants to be friends, but you'll later learn that it's not possible, he won't let it be possible. You give him one last thing. A notebook full of letters you've written to him that wasn't supposed to be given to him till it was full... The last letter, the night you thought everything was okay...
Imagine this... You're separated, single, he ended it... You're crying every night. You dream of being back with him... one dream hits you the hardest...
Imagine this... There's a knock on the front door and your mom enthusiastically tells you to answer it. It's him, he is standing right there! You need to talk to him, so you go to your bedroom and have him sit down. You interrogate him, wondering why he is there, you yell and scream at him for hurting you. He takes all of it, never retaliating... just like when he broke up with you. You say he can't be there.. He says he can take you back now. "Can or can't," you ask as you're not sure you've heard him correctly.
"Can," he says opening his arms to you. You rush into them crying. You've missed him so much, you can't believe you have him back. Everything is okay again, it's going to be alright. He's back, you don't have to worry anymore. You're safe in his arms, kissing him like it's the last time you'll ever be able to.
"I love you..."
"I love you too..."
Imagine this... You wake up, you're life is now the nightmare, and your dreams are where you're happy. When did this get backwards? You're sobbing, how could your dreams torture you like this? How can you still love him so much, it's been a month. You should be over him now. You're just a mistake for still loving him. He lied to you. It was all a lie. He doesn't love you now, you're sure of it.
Imagine this... You try to text him and talk to him. That doesn't work to well. You send him a message explaining to him everything that has been happening. The message tells of all your dreams, your crying, and how much you still love him. It tells how he hurt you, how you miss him, and how you only want him back. You pour your heart out, though you never should have given him this much. You give him everything, you've given him all that you can't
Imagine this... All he says, "'I'm so sorry to hear all of that." You cry again... He doesn't feel the same, he doesn't love you anymore. You're alone in your feelings
Imagine this... He has left you with only good memories to love him for. You can't get rid of your feelings, and you are the one who feels the guilt and shame.
Imagine this... Imagine this...
"Hi, I'm sorry but can I just hug you," you ask him.
He let's you hug him, he hugs you back actually. He's strong and comfortable. This will be a great day. You just know it. He's dressed in all blue... Just like he said he would be. Why though? Because blue is your favorite color of course. You notice the leather peace bracelet on his left wrist. That's the hand you want to hold, but it's not time for that yet. The waitress seats you near a window. You feel relieved that you can look out the window when eye contact gets awkward. He's very polite and well mannered. He only gets up to get his food when you do. Never taking a bite until you're seated as well. "My gosh he is just beautiful," you think, "I'm so lucky he even considered a date with me." He's so nervous that he can barely eat. His hands are shaking and you find it amazing that he's so nervous. How could a man like this be so nervous about you? It amazes you, you're absolutely stunned. You give him a compliment and he turns RED, he turns VERY RED. You giggle and let a snort slip, he laughs so hard and it's your turn to blush. His laugh is amazing, you've never heard one like it. In fact nothing about him is something you've ever seen. That's what makes him so beautiful.
He steals the bill.... how he got that by you, you're really not sure. You take your car and follow him to the movie theater. You make the sneaky move now and pay for the tickets. The movie you planned to see isn't at this theater, that's okay though, you really don't mind. Then you have an idea, "should we leave one car here so that we don't have to chase each other around?"
"Sure, whose car would you like to take?"
"You know the area better, let's take yours," you say grinning.
You feel smooth with that move.
Now you have three hours to waste before the movie starts. You decide together to go to Barnes and Nobles. There you buy the book that was made into the movie you originally planned to see, Charlie St. Cloud. After about 45 or so minutes in there you head of to the mall. There isn't a whole lot in the mall but you both look around a bit. You walk very close to him, on purpose of course. You really want to put your arm around him and kiss him right there, but you're not quite ready for that. You draw out your time at the mall for as long as you can. You get bored though and suggest maybe hanging out in Meijer. There's about an hour to kill till the movie starts so you lead him around the store looking at the most random of things. Then he gets brave and tickles you. You thought you weren't ticklish, but he found your spot on the very first try, yes he is perfect. This goes on through the hour.
Imagine this... You're in the theater sitting beside him. The previews are still playing and you want to hold his hand. The house lights begin to dim and you see him shaking. "Are you nervous," you question.
"Yes," he replies with a shaky voice.
You grab his hand and almost as though he can't get a tight enough hold he has yours totally in his grasp. All you can do is look at him now, you don't even remember what movie you came to see. You get braver and lean your head against him, he puts his on yours. You turn your face towards his and your noses touch. He whispers your name almost as though he's ready to ask a question. Before he can ask, you kiss him. It's just a peck on the lips, but you kiss him. He's shocked, very shocked and takes a moment. Then he kisses you back, and he really kisses you.
Imagine this... You've held hands with someone for the first time, you've gone on your first date, you've felt your first real butterflies, and now, you've had your first kiss.
Now the movie is over and you decide to go out for ice cream. You fight over who is going to pay and the cashier finds it adorable. There's a couch in the ice cream shop and you decide to eat your ice cream together. This is your last moment together of the day before leaving. After ice cream you meet him at your car. You don't want to leave... but you have to. You exchange hugs, kiss, and take a picture together and part your separate ways... But before you can make it out of the parking lot he calls you. "Will you be my boyfriend," he asks.
"Yes," you say as you begin to cry. You're happier than you've ever been. From then on you talk all the way home, never letting him know you're crying the whole entire time.
Imagine this... You're 17, never had a date, a senior in high school, you're now in love, you've had the best day ever that you never expected to ever happen, and... You're gay, not out to your parents, he lives two hours away and you've met in the middle.
After two weeks you find an excuse to go see him again, but you're not going to be able to fool your mother for long. You go on a date with him again. It's just as good as the last time, only better...
Imagine this... You're so proud to call him your boyfriend you don't want to hide him... You can't, you're so deeply in love. So... You tell your mom. She accepts it at first, but takes time to herself to think. She cries the next day... all day long. She tells you she can't accept this, maybe you're confused. You show her how much you love him, you told her because you love him and are proud of him. In the next months time she realizes this, and for the first time she calls him your boyfriend. You cry, you're happy, you're free.
For your birthday he buys you a gift that represents two of your greatest passions. You can't believe this. It's almost your one month anniversary, and in three weeks... homecoming. This is all so perfect in your mind. Now your dreams are your reality, literally. You talk with him on the phone almost every night, the distance isn't so bad, seeing him every two weeks. At first your mom doesn't want questions asked, you can't take him to homecoming. Your best friend changes her mind. For the very first time in your high school career, you have a date to a dance.
Imagine this... Homecoming day you wake up early because you couldn't sleep. You are VERY anxious and excited. He gets lost on the way there though.. A couple times. You're getting nervous and scared.. but he shows up and it all goes away. Dressed in matching outfits you're ready. Pictures are taken, flowers exchanged, it's time for the dance. You arrive slightly late. All eyes are on you and your date. You've just come out to your school. That doesn't bother you, the rest of the night is so enjoyable, like nothing ever before. After the dance he comes to your house again. You change out of your dress clothes and settle on the couch together. Cuddling and watching a movie for a few hours... but he has to leave, his mother is not at all pleased with the idea of him staying the night. Why? You're not really sure. She doesn't know that he's gay. Before he leaves he invites you to a Halloween party in his town, you can't help but accept. This will be the first time you meet some of his friends.
Imagine this... You're on your way to the party. You love that you're going to get to spend this time with him. Unfortunately, his mother said you cannot spend the night. She has to work late and doesn't want anyone at the house who doesn't live there. Good excuse? The party is incredible, you get to meet all his friends and he isn't ashamed of you.. This is his way of coming out to almost his whole school, but he's not afraid. You don't want to go home, but you have to. It was great... This is going so perfectly. You love him so much.
Imagine this... After many more meet ups and weeks of phone calls you get to go and see his fall play. Your mom accepts you so well right now and you get a hotel for the night. He's amazing, a wonderful actor, you focus more on him than the play. He came over to your hotel before hand and you got to cuddle on the bed, your mom was there and everything. Wow, this is so perfect, what an incredible mom you have. After his play you're invited to a cast party. He comes and picks you up and takes you on to the party. You see many familiar faces from the halloween party, and you're so comfortable there with him. With his friends you play a game. You decide to be partners during the game so that you can cuddle together while you play. His director shows up and mistakes you as dating a girl in the cast.. Not until later does she realize your dating her lead man. After the party you go back to the hotel. He must be home by four and it's one o'clock now. Three hours seems like a long time but it's not enough. Then you remember... Daylights savings time and the time change. You have another hour. It's amazing! You cuddle and talk on the bed all through the night. You couldn't think of a better way to spend time with him. The next morning he meets you and your mom for breakfast and then it's time to go home. You cry and cry and cry. Mom tries to make it feel better even though she knows she can't. You don't feel like it's fair that you have to leave him like this. You talk to him the rest of the day, texting and calling. He misses you so much... This angelic man is your boyfriend, you are so lucky you can't explain.
There are more dates and meet ups with him. This is just incredible how you finally have a boyfriend, and he is the man of your dreams. Soon things take a turn. His grandmother ends up in the hospital, he's forced to miss a date even though you've already arrive... You're upset, maybe next week? No... Not next week, now it's been three weeks since you've seen him. It's Sunday night and you're cry because you miss him. You tell him how much you love him, but he doesn't say it back... Somethings not right.
Imagine this... Over the next few days he's getting more and more distant. You're freaked out now. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Baby, I love you so much what's happening?"
"I feel like we're being separated."
No no no... You're not, you can't handle that. You're scared and crying and destroyed. What happened, what went wrong. What did you do. Why does he feel like this. Why won't he say he loves you back... he doesn't love you anymore?
Imagine this... You finally get him to talk on the phone, things are okay and getting better. You're going to see him again on Sunday and everything will be alright. You're so relieved, you thought you were going to lose him. "The feelings are back..." He texts to you. You break down crying, you're driving home. You beg God out loud to fix this. "Please God, please tell me what to do. I love him won't you help me? Forgive me for crying out to your, but my heart his broken, please God... please..."
Your mom finds you in your room crying and you tell her what happens. She's trying to help, she's texting him and telling him just to end it... that's not what he wants though. You talk to him on the phone crying. You're begging him, but he's hurting you. You tell him to forget about him, that it won't hurt for long. You're sobbing and asking why, you're so scared and don't understand. He can't leave you like this, not the way people have before. You're still going to meet on Sunday...
Imagine this... You're going to lose the one you love... Why though? You'll never find out... He can't tell you, you're left to wonder. You've been sick this whole week. You can't eat, can't sleep, can't function. You miss school... You meet him on Sunday... He gives you back your senior key... You can't look him in the eye because YOU feel ashamed that you have done something wrong. You want so badly to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, and tell him you love him. He's standing 10 feet from you... He's never stood so far away before. You get upset and angry, demanding an answer, he gives you none. He thinks you hate him and you try to assure him that you don't. He wants to be friends, but you'll later learn that it's not possible, he won't let it be possible. You give him one last thing. A notebook full of letters you've written to him that wasn't supposed to be given to him till it was full... The last letter, the night you thought everything was okay...
Imagine this... You're separated, single, he ended it... You're crying every night. You dream of being back with him... one dream hits you the hardest...
Imagine this... There's a knock on the front door and your mom enthusiastically tells you to answer it. It's him, he is standing right there! You need to talk to him, so you go to your bedroom and have him sit down. You interrogate him, wondering why he is there, you yell and scream at him for hurting you. He takes all of it, never retaliating... just like when he broke up with you. You say he can't be there.. He says he can take you back now. "Can or can't," you ask as you're not sure you've heard him correctly.
"Can," he says opening his arms to you. You rush into them crying. You've missed him so much, you can't believe you have him back. Everything is okay again, it's going to be alright. He's back, you don't have to worry anymore. You're safe in his arms, kissing him like it's the last time you'll ever be able to.
"I love you..."
"I love you too..."
Imagine this... You wake up, you're life is now the nightmare, and your dreams are where you're happy. When did this get backwards? You're sobbing, how could your dreams torture you like this? How can you still love him so much, it's been a month. You should be over him now. You're just a mistake for still loving him. He lied to you. It was all a lie. He doesn't love you now, you're sure of it.
Imagine this... You try to text him and talk to him. That doesn't work to well. You send him a message explaining to him everything that has been happening. The message tells of all your dreams, your crying, and how much you still love him. It tells how he hurt you, how you miss him, and how you only want him back. You pour your heart out, though you never should have given him this much. You give him everything, you've given him all that you can't
Imagine this... All he says, "'I'm so sorry to hear all of that." You cry again... He doesn't feel the same, he doesn't love you anymore. You're alone in your feelings
Imagine this... He has left you with only good memories to love him for. You can't get rid of your feelings, and you are the one who feels the guilt and shame.
Imagine this... Imagine this...