I'm Keeping It to Myself

[foot soldier]

So, here's the deal. I'm vastly and indescribably unhappy lately. It's hard to explain. At first I thought it was just the winter blues; I get those most winters around mid January or early February. (I think it's all the frumpy clothes, but whatever) But this year, it's been different. I've been having all sorts of troubles with periodically feeling just absolutely sick of myself and it's come to the point where I think it's beginning to wear down my relationships with other people and with my family. I've been keeping secrets for so long, some of monumental proportions, and it's like those things are becoming me and I'm disappearing under their weight.

This past September I lost my virginity to my brother's college roommate. It was a one night stand thing and easily one of the most regrettable things that I've ever done, if not the major regret I've garnered thus far in my life. We weren't in any sort of relationship, we had no 'history' or whatever you want to call it, I was just there and so was he. It's been weighing so heavily on me these past months. Usually I just feel like, well, nothing you can do about it. But other days I just feel so horribly ashamed and I can't utter a word about it, because no one knows. It's the most wretched secret I've ever had to keep and it's like it's eating me alive, but only after crushing me first.

This has also been the year I've started drinking, not just tasting, which probably has a lot to do with how I wound up in bed with my brother's roommate, too, but that's not the point, I think. I'm also getting completely fed up with my responsibilities at school with different youth organizations, and there is the stress of applying for programs to study abroad next year as an exchange student, plus as a Junior all these fears about college are becoming so real as those stresses are also being thrust upon me. All these things alone and by themselves are no sweat, but right now it's all snowballing together and making me so miserable I could just keel over and die. Or at least spend the rest of my winter blues stuffed under the covers with a nice thick book and some cocoa.

I know all this stuff is really normal, but sometimes I think, just normal everyday life gets to people, and I'm no exception. I just have no one else to tell about these things who will listen or won't act like I'm just a goofy teenager who can't handle the pressures of growing up like her brothers could (parents, that'd be you guys), and I'd really like to thank anyone who is still reading. It's nice of you to listen.

[Fiction]

You're right, sometimes everyday life just gets to people. Most people, however have some kind of release for it all. You need to find one of these. It sounds as though you enjoy reading? Maybe you could use this for a release?

I lost my virginity in August, and although it was to a guy i'd been going out with for a while, and still am, I can't say there is no regret at all. it's a big thing to do, and I don't think people really realise that until they've done it. As you said there is nothing you can do about it now, you just have to accept that you did it, and try not to let it get to you. Maybe you shouldn't keep it totally secret? maybe if you had a friend you could talk to about it it would make you feel better.

Drinking is also part of growing up. Every teenager tries drinking (or almost every teenager). You shouldn't be ashamed of that really, just make sure you aren't using this to cope, because that's how problems start.

Is there anything you can give up at these youth organisations to take off the pressure? That would give you chance to concentrate on your school things and also have more time for leisure activities, that you can use to cope.

Hope I helped somehow :)