TigerLily
January 17th, 2011, 07:33 PM
Well, it's officially a minute past midnight. You'd be what.. 45? I mean I know I take the piss, but that's still young really. You remember Joe in Galway? He's a hundred now. We went to go see him for it in summer, they all remembered you. It was weird, Shelagh even reminded me of you a bit. It hurt, you know. They still have your artwork, pride of place in their kitchen, by the way. They really didn't hate you, whatever you thought. Wow, I'm rambling already, shit.
But yeah, I mean that's pretty fucked, right? You could have lived to twice that. And you didn't even mean to do it, I know you didn't. It just went too far too quick. And then what do you know, you're gone. Just like that.
It's not fair.
You wouldn't have done it if you'd known anyway. Just how fucking much we miss you, how much I love you. I mean I know I was a bitch, things weren't good and so I just simplified it and got angry and blamed you. But it's hardly as if you could help it. You didn't choose to get sick, you didn't choose for all of that stuff to happen. There's so much I regret, all the things I didn't say and should have, all the stuff I never should have said, and shouted. I guess that's why I'm writing this. I hope you can hear.
I try and talk to you a lot, it's pretty pathetic really. I don't know if you're listening, and part of me doesn't even want you to see me like this anyway. You wouldn't like the view, I'm sure. You'd still love me though, somehow. I don't understand how you did. I let you down, so badly. But yeah, if you ever see the messages I write, written on fogged up mirrors and carved into the back of my wardrobe, on the wall behind my bed where no one can see; if you can hear all the random shit I say to the sky when it's late at night and I really just need you back.. just know it's for you. Know that you're loved, more than you could ever know.
You should be here, Mum. I can't do this without you, I just can't. You were too young. There was so much left, so much we were going to do. So much you're now never going to see, and I'll never forget it. I'll never stop missing you, I swear. What hurts, is that it would've got better, we'd have been okay. I know it. I'd have made sure of it. If only you'd said.. I would've come running. I'd have never left that Friday. I wouldn't have dismissed that scrawled note, or ignore that niggling fear in the back of my mind. I would have hugged you, instead of walking away. I would have slept all night on that fucking hospital floor, among the stench of disinfectant and fucking inept doctors who can't even be arsed to do their 20 minute checks. Were you waiting for them, praying they'd come and save you? I really pray it didn't hurt. You didn't deserve that, none of this. I hope you're happy and beautiful and free from all this pain. I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how much you always will. If you don't, I promise I'll never forgive myself. Cause every good thing in me, is just you. You took so much with you when you left, it's like a whole part of my existence is laying in the ground next to you. All those things you taught me, your love, your patience. The way you always cared, always listened, always tried your best to be there for us, no matter how much you were hurting. Even little things, like the way you'd sing, the way every time I look in the mirror I see a little more of your resemblance, the beautiful way you looked at the world like it was some new miracle, even though it caused you so much pain. I try to honour your memory, to keep all those things safe, all that which defined you, that made you the amazing woman and mother you were. I know I don't do it well enough though. Just please believe me, because I love and miss you so very much. I always will. If you can see just how much I'm crying right now, you'd know. I do try, but it's too much. I'm so sorry. I love you.
I'll go visit your grave tomorrow, I'll bring flowers. Good flowers though, like bright red or purple ones, or something. I hate that they used peach roses for your funeral. You were never a pastel type. They should have been red. But I guess there just flowers, at the end of the day. They wilt and die and disappear forever. You're not like that though. You're still here, in me. In that dream you gave me, in every memory and every photograph and every star I look through, to find the brightest, the one where I imagine you being. You'll never be forgotten, I promise you.
Sweet dreams. Or scratch that, I hope He's throwing you a party, or something. Dance lots, be happy. :heart:
Love always,
Rach
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But yeah, I mean that's pretty fucked, right? You could have lived to twice that. And you didn't even mean to do it, I know you didn't. It just went too far too quick. And then what do you know, you're gone. Just like that.
It's not fair.
You wouldn't have done it if you'd known anyway. Just how fucking much we miss you, how much I love you. I mean I know I was a bitch, things weren't good and so I just simplified it and got angry and blamed you. But it's hardly as if you could help it. You didn't choose to get sick, you didn't choose for all of that stuff to happen. There's so much I regret, all the things I didn't say and should have, all the stuff I never should have said, and shouted. I guess that's why I'm writing this. I hope you can hear.
I try and talk to you a lot, it's pretty pathetic really. I don't know if you're listening, and part of me doesn't even want you to see me like this anyway. You wouldn't like the view, I'm sure. You'd still love me though, somehow. I don't understand how you did. I let you down, so badly. But yeah, if you ever see the messages I write, written on fogged up mirrors and carved into the back of my wardrobe, on the wall behind my bed where no one can see; if you can hear all the random shit I say to the sky when it's late at night and I really just need you back.. just know it's for you. Know that you're loved, more than you could ever know.
You should be here, Mum. I can't do this without you, I just can't. You were too young. There was so much left, so much we were going to do. So much you're now never going to see, and I'll never forget it. I'll never stop missing you, I swear. What hurts, is that it would've got better, we'd have been okay. I know it. I'd have made sure of it. If only you'd said.. I would've come running. I'd have never left that Friday. I wouldn't have dismissed that scrawled note, or ignore that niggling fear in the back of my mind. I would have hugged you, instead of walking away. I would have slept all night on that fucking hospital floor, among the stench of disinfectant and fucking inept doctors who can't even be arsed to do their 20 minute checks. Were you waiting for them, praying they'd come and save you? I really pray it didn't hurt. You didn't deserve that, none of this. I hope you're happy and beautiful and free from all this pain. I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how much you always will. If you don't, I promise I'll never forgive myself. Cause every good thing in me, is just you. You took so much with you when you left, it's like a whole part of my existence is laying in the ground next to you. All those things you taught me, your love, your patience. The way you always cared, always listened, always tried your best to be there for us, no matter how much you were hurting. Even little things, like the way you'd sing, the way every time I look in the mirror I see a little more of your resemblance, the beautiful way you looked at the world like it was some new miracle, even though it caused you so much pain. I try to honour your memory, to keep all those things safe, all that which defined you, that made you the amazing woman and mother you were. I know I don't do it well enough though. Just please believe me, because I love and miss you so very much. I always will. If you can see just how much I'm crying right now, you'd know. I do try, but it's too much. I'm so sorry. I love you.
I'll go visit your grave tomorrow, I'll bring flowers. Good flowers though, like bright red or purple ones, or something. I hate that they used peach roses for your funeral. You were never a pastel type. They should have been red. But I guess there just flowers, at the end of the day. They wilt and die and disappear forever. You're not like that though. You're still here, in me. In that dream you gave me, in every memory and every photograph and every star I look through, to find the brightest, the one where I imagine you being. You'll never be forgotten, I promise you.
Sweet dreams. Or scratch that, I hope He's throwing you a party, or something. Dance lots, be happy. :heart:
Love always,
Rach
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx