Kaya
January 16th, 2011, 09:03 PM
I just wanna cry. I'm tired of my friends and I don't want to talk to anybody right now. I don't want to do anything but sleep. If I do that, though, I'll have nightmares. As usual. I wish I could turn my music up so loud. And punch my walls and scream. I want to cut, deep. Really badly. I want it to start storming outside, then I'd run to the park. I would swing...even though it's metal. I want to go in the ocean. Diving under and over the waves. I want it to be summer. I'd be outside right now, even though it's dark and the creepy guy that tried to get me to go into his apartment would probably be out there. But I don't care. I don't think I care about anything right now...except for my brother. I'm afraid he's going to die soon. Die just like Samuel. It isn't fair. It's not fair having to worry and guess when your younger sibling is going to die. I'm guilty for Samuel's death. Everyone prayed to God that he'd get better...but I wanted him to die. I wanted him to be himself again. Maybe I was the one who persuaded God into taking him. Then, I cut his name into his arm. He's probably so disappointed in me. I think everyone is disappointed in me. Why wouldn't they be? I failed my first class this week. How teriffic? I've never gotten below a B+. I must be lazy..or stupid. I keep trying to push this stuff out of my mind....I told the councelor I was ok. I told her I didn't have anything to talk about...but I do. If I tell her they'll send me back to the hospital. I don't want to go back. I really don't. Someone help me....I'm so upset and I have no one to talk to about it...well I do, but I honestly don't think anyone cares.