Triceratops
January 16th, 2011, 05:26 PM
Me, out of all people, have changed drastically overtime. For too long and for years I've wanted to feel like I'm accepted, and to appear pretty, normal or good enough for others. That was the main reason I began self-harming and developed an eating disorder (bulimia). I became so distressed, paranoid and anxious about the world around me.
I became addicted to self-harming. I'm not talking about a few cuts and slashes on my arms with a razor here. It got so out of hand and extreme. I'll hold back on the gory details because I don't even like talking about them myself. If it freaks me out, it'll freak you out too. Put it this way, I'm just fucking lucky my skin seems to heal up pretty well (not perfectly or entirely by any stretch, but pretty damn well for the damage I had done). My ED became so much more than vanity, it became my entire life. In fact, it still dominates my life now. When I was younger, a few scratches with a paperclip on my wrists and counting calories seemed like a minor thing that I would never have imagined would completely ruin the next 7 years that were to come. I had a self-harming obsession, bulimia, anxiety and depression going strongly every single day. I'm surprised I hadn't killed myself.
...If I typed out my entire experience I would be here until I was 50 years old.
I had this sudden wave of self-realization that I never would have thought I would ever have in my life. Just all of a sudden, I saw no point in caring. For real. Everyone is judged and criticised no matter what. This has always terrified me, so I would do what I could to better myself. I'm aware I'll be criticised for skills, looks, personality, w/e. It doesn't phase me anymore because I'm beginning to come to peace with myself.
At the end of the day, if someone doesn't think you're good enough, then that just means they're not worthy of your time or appreciation, so in actual fact they are not good enough for you.
Fuck society and it's expectations. Forget about the media's bullshittery and unattainable standards, and the way it brainwashes and dumbs everyone else. I'm not foolish. I see right through it. :)
I'm turning 18 this year, and I can't afford to enter my adulthood the way I have been since I was about 10 years old. I've wasted 95% of my adolescence having no confidence and feeling hopeless, insecure, useless and worthless. Now it's time I said "fuck you" to like pretty much everything.
I did pretend I didn't care back then when I clearly did, but actually I was genuinely scared of other people and what they thought of me. Now, I accept myself and forget about others who aren't worth my time. I have amazing friends and family, so I don't ned to rely on others who mean shit to me.
Yeah this is a rambly and all-over-the-place kind of post, but hopefully you kind of get the jist of what I'm putting across. It's hard, and it might take a long time, but one day you will beat whatever you are going through. Even I did. :)
TL;DR: I have been one of the most insecure people ever for years, and even I have overcome this and became a "FUCK YOU ALL" kind of person.
I became addicted to self-harming. I'm not talking about a few cuts and slashes on my arms with a razor here. It got so out of hand and extreme. I'll hold back on the gory details because I don't even like talking about them myself. If it freaks me out, it'll freak you out too. Put it this way, I'm just fucking lucky my skin seems to heal up pretty well (not perfectly or entirely by any stretch, but pretty damn well for the damage I had done). My ED became so much more than vanity, it became my entire life. In fact, it still dominates my life now. When I was younger, a few scratches with a paperclip on my wrists and counting calories seemed like a minor thing that I would never have imagined would completely ruin the next 7 years that were to come. I had a self-harming obsession, bulimia, anxiety and depression going strongly every single day. I'm surprised I hadn't killed myself.
...If I typed out my entire experience I would be here until I was 50 years old.
I had this sudden wave of self-realization that I never would have thought I would ever have in my life. Just all of a sudden, I saw no point in caring. For real. Everyone is judged and criticised no matter what. This has always terrified me, so I would do what I could to better myself. I'm aware I'll be criticised for skills, looks, personality, w/e. It doesn't phase me anymore because I'm beginning to come to peace with myself.
At the end of the day, if someone doesn't think you're good enough, then that just means they're not worthy of your time or appreciation, so in actual fact they are not good enough for you.
Fuck society and it's expectations. Forget about the media's bullshittery and unattainable standards, and the way it brainwashes and dumbs everyone else. I'm not foolish. I see right through it. :)
I'm turning 18 this year, and I can't afford to enter my adulthood the way I have been since I was about 10 years old. I've wasted 95% of my adolescence having no confidence and feeling hopeless, insecure, useless and worthless. Now it's time I said "fuck you" to like pretty much everything.
I did pretend I didn't care back then when I clearly did, but actually I was genuinely scared of other people and what they thought of me. Now, I accept myself and forget about others who aren't worth my time. I have amazing friends and family, so I don't ned to rely on others who mean shit to me.
Yeah this is a rambly and all-over-the-place kind of post, but hopefully you kind of get the jist of what I'm putting across. It's hard, and it might take a long time, but one day you will beat whatever you are going through. Even I did. :)
TL;DR: I have been one of the most insecure people ever for years, and even I have overcome this and became a "FUCK YOU ALL" kind of person.