Tenkotsu
January 14th, 2011, 01:29 PM
I'm mad at how I am. I always indulge people on what they want, be it school or at my home I let people do what they want. I'm sorry it's a long ranting.
When I was at school, I spent time with friends that were kind of reclusive and "smart". They didn't like the "cool stuff" or the trends and fads that people had, they were the smart people and all. I admit I don't like most fads and mainstream stuff but there are things that I like and would like to do.
My "friends" would stop talking to people that went to others, that wanted to have those new stuff and all. I was afraid of not being accepted by other people so I abstained myself from doing other stuff since they could've stopped talking to me and I would be alone (And it happened once, in 7th grade, for a month and a half I was completely alone, I can't remember why, my "friends" made fun of me and decided to stop talking to me, and I didn't have anyone else, I was too shy to go make new friends or know better my classmates).
Anyway, during high school I kept most of those friends, but I actually met new ones that I liked and were cool. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I could feel how they saw me when we talked or when I was near and how they were "disapproving" me for being with other people and I felt sometimes guilty for that, like I was abandoning them for better people, because I don't want people to do me the same thing. I liked other people because they were cool or nice and friendly, but I felt that I shouldn't hang out with them or befriend them, even if I wanted, because "it was not approved by them" or " I shouldn't were not alike" in a way, not that they said that literally, but I felt that coming from them and I felt guilty for that, I cut short lots of friendships for the same people that could easily leave me when I stepped on their way.
In my house something similar happens, my dad and my brother always think what they want and try to get whatever without asking and they don't like being questioned.
Recently I told my father that my electronic keyboard was broken and I couldn't play it, didn't want a new one though, I stopped playing about 9 months ago. This week he told me that we would go to some places to see some keyboards, I thought it was ok since we would only see them, but he ended up buying one yesterday, a bigger and more expensive keyboard. I never said that I "wanted" a new one, but he bought me one, he decided it by himself. He even told me that he didn't wanted to hear my mom say stuff like "why do you want to buy it" or "that's too expensive" because it "annoys him". There's no space at all at home and I actually told my parents that we should get rid of stuff because we have too much and that's why the house always look messy, because we barely have space! I couldn't tell him not to buy it because he would get mad and say that "I needed a new keyboard and why didn't you told me?" even though whenever we tell him no to any of his ideas he gets mad. All the time.
I hate being dragged around on other people's projects or tastes, dreams, things that they like, I don't know how to put it, but I hate it, because I don't do what I like, and if I say something, they get mad with me if I don't do what they want, or if get mad at them I'm the bad guy for making them feel bad with themselves, and I have to just be there for other people. I have to support people for some reason, people that like to be reclusive or something, it's like if I have to be there for them or else I'm some sort of traitor, I'm their stepping stone to the things they like and if it doesn't come out as they want it's my fault.
I'm sorry for it being to long.
When I was at school, I spent time with friends that were kind of reclusive and "smart". They didn't like the "cool stuff" or the trends and fads that people had, they were the smart people and all. I admit I don't like most fads and mainstream stuff but there are things that I like and would like to do.
My "friends" would stop talking to people that went to others, that wanted to have those new stuff and all. I was afraid of not being accepted by other people so I abstained myself from doing other stuff since they could've stopped talking to me and I would be alone (And it happened once, in 7th grade, for a month and a half I was completely alone, I can't remember why, my "friends" made fun of me and decided to stop talking to me, and I didn't have anyone else, I was too shy to go make new friends or know better my classmates).
Anyway, during high school I kept most of those friends, but I actually met new ones that I liked and were cool. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I could feel how they saw me when we talked or when I was near and how they were "disapproving" me for being with other people and I felt sometimes guilty for that, like I was abandoning them for better people, because I don't want people to do me the same thing. I liked other people because they were cool or nice and friendly, but I felt that I shouldn't hang out with them or befriend them, even if I wanted, because "it was not approved by them" or " I shouldn't were not alike" in a way, not that they said that literally, but I felt that coming from them and I felt guilty for that, I cut short lots of friendships for the same people that could easily leave me when I stepped on their way.
In my house something similar happens, my dad and my brother always think what they want and try to get whatever without asking and they don't like being questioned.
Recently I told my father that my electronic keyboard was broken and I couldn't play it, didn't want a new one though, I stopped playing about 9 months ago. This week he told me that we would go to some places to see some keyboards, I thought it was ok since we would only see them, but he ended up buying one yesterday, a bigger and more expensive keyboard. I never said that I "wanted" a new one, but he bought me one, he decided it by himself. He even told me that he didn't wanted to hear my mom say stuff like "why do you want to buy it" or "that's too expensive" because it "annoys him". There's no space at all at home and I actually told my parents that we should get rid of stuff because we have too much and that's why the house always look messy, because we barely have space! I couldn't tell him not to buy it because he would get mad and say that "I needed a new keyboard and why didn't you told me?" even though whenever we tell him no to any of his ideas he gets mad. All the time.
I hate being dragged around on other people's projects or tastes, dreams, things that they like, I don't know how to put it, but I hate it, because I don't do what I like, and if I say something, they get mad with me if I don't do what they want, or if get mad at them I'm the bad guy for making them feel bad with themselves, and I have to just be there for other people. I have to support people for some reason, people that like to be reclusive or something, it's like if I have to be there for them or else I'm some sort of traitor, I'm their stepping stone to the things they like and if it doesn't come out as they want it's my fault.
I'm sorry for it being to long.