I want to change.

[Kaius]

I feel weak. I’ve messed everything up so badly and I have no way of fixing it. I feel like the worst possible human being I could imagine. I hurt someone I love without even intending to, I can’t shake off the guilt. The whole time I felt as though I hadn’t done anything wrong, because I was being told so many things but I have. I have a jealous personality. I got so obsessed on the possibility of being left for someone better I didn’t see what I was doing to her, who was right in front of me the whole time. I push everyone away from me eventually because I don’t listen to the warnings I’m given. I made her feel suffocated and alone, unable to talk to anyone. What sort of person am i? I only ever saw myself when I should have been looking out for her. My self harming is getting worse. I’m in the mindset of making myself feel pain for every bit of pain I cause other people. I can’t stop doing it, its got its hold over me again and nothing is getting it away from me. Im drinking and smoking again, heavier than last time. Its the only escape from stress i get. This is all my fault. I don’t feel as though im a good person, whenever I look in a mirror all I see is this dark selfish side. Its wrecking whats left of my mental stability. I can’t eat properly, I can’t sleep. I can’t relax. Its taking over every aspect of my daily life and I don’t know how to stop it. I know why im like it.. it stems from my past.. but i want help, i want to change. I can't take the paranoia and distrust any more, I don't want to be judged. I don't often ask for help on here.. I'd rather be the helper but i can't do this any more, its destroying me from the inside.

[Fiction]

You've got to accept that things that happened are in the past. Dwelling on them won't change anything. As the title of this thread suggests; change.
Of course, you are probably being to harsh on yourself anyway. There is probably nothing wrong with you other than you can't forgive yourself for pasts events. I know how it is. It is hard to forgive yourself for things that happened, but it's the only way you'll move on and become happier again.
Always here for you Aaron :)

[Fact]

I feel weak. I’ve messed everything up so badly and I have no way of fixing it. I feel like the worst possible human being I could imagine.

We always want what we don't have and I'm finding increasingly that people hate qualities in others that they have themselves without realising it: it's just one of those unfixable dilemmas. You're definitely not the worst human being ever in my eyes.

I hurt someone I love without even intending to, I can’t shake off the guilt. The whole time I felt as though I hadn’t done anything wrong, because I was being told so many things but I have.

As you said, you didn't intend to do it. It wasn't a malicious act. Don't punish yourself for it like you are!

I have a jealous personality. I got so obsessed on the possibility of being left for someone better I didn’t see what I was doing to her, who was right in front of me the whole time. I push everyone away from me eventually because I don’t listen to the warnings I’m given. I made her feel suffocated and alone, unable to talk to anyone. What sort of person am i? I only ever saw myself when I should have been looking out for her.

As you've recognised your flaws and mistakes you made, you can work towards improving them when concerned with other people. Some things you can't change - if you're jealous, then you're jealous: you can suppress it but ultimately it's rooted deeper than taking it out on someone else, it's something you have to work on internally.

My self harming is getting worse. I’m in the mindset of making myself feel pain for every bit of pain I cause other people. I can’t stop doing it, its got its hold over me again and nothing is getting it away from me. Im drinking and smoking again, heavier than last time. Its the only escape from stress i get.

Breaking the habit could bring you out of this? Try to find alternatives for stress relief too. I don't know what you have access to or if you've tried anything else

This is all my fault. I don’t feel as though im a good person, whenever I look in a mirror all I see is this dark selfish side. Its wrecking whats left of my mental stability. I can’t eat properly, I can’t sleep. I can’t relax. Its taking over every aspect of my daily life and I don’t know how to stop it. I know why im like it.. it stems from my past.. but i want help, i want to change. I can't take the paranoia and distrust any more, I don't want to be judged. I don't often ask for help on here.. I'd rather be the helper but i can't do this any more, its destroying me from the inside.

You just need to remind yourself that eventually things will get better. You'll come out of this stronger in the end, one way or another. You're not a horrible person, you're not worthless and there are people who care about you and don't want to see you hurt. Maybe seeking medical advice for this could help you?

As Kathy said, always here for you :(

[Azunite]

I feel weak. I’ve messed everything up so badly and I have no way of fixing it. I feel like the worst possible human being I could imagine. I hurt someone I love without even intending to, I can’t shake off the guilt. The whole time I felt as though I hadn’t done anything wrong, because I was being told so many things but I have. I have a jealous personality. I got so obsessed on the possibility of being left for someone better I didn’t see what I was doing to her, who was right in front of me the whole time. I push everyone away from me eventually because I don’t listen to the warnings I’m given. I made her feel suffocated and alone, unable to talk to anyone. What sort of person am i? I only ever saw myself when I should have been looking out for her. My self harming is getting worse. I’m in the mindset of making myself feel pain for every bit of pain I cause other people. I can’t stop doing it, its got its hold over me again and nothing is getting it away from me. Im drinking and smoking again, heavier than last time. Its the only escape from stress i get. This is all my fault. I don’t feel as though im a good person, whenever I look in a mirror all I see is this dark selfish side. Its wrecking whats left of my mental stability. I can’t eat properly, I can’t sleep. I can’t relax. Its taking over every aspect of my daily life and I don’t know how to stop it. I know why im like it.. it stems from my past.. but i want help, i want to change. I can't take the paranoia and distrust any more, I don't want to be judged. I don't often ask for help on here.. I'd rather be the helper but i can't do this any more, its destroying me from the inside.

Well it seems that you and I are not so diffrent.
I always hurt people I love too. I don't want it but I speak without thinking and when words come out of my mouth it is too late. I always regret it and I still regret stuff that happened like 6 months ago, I can't get over it.
I envy even my very close friends only because they are in 1 meter proximity of the girl I love...
Many people are like this. Those who think they aren't, they should know that they will experience this soon...
There aren't many things you can do but to regain your self-confidence and your mind, you must forget the past. Your friends and other people surely forgot what you have done to them before, if you act while thinking the past you will make things worse.
You are just having a series of unfortunate events, eventually it will pass.
Meanwhile, if you want to change that bad, before changing your personality try changing your daily habits. It may change your perspective to life.

[Kaius]

One person hasn't and probably won't, that's why I'm beating myself up. I've hurt her so badly she doesn't want anything to do with me any more.

As for medical advice i've been assigned a psychiatrist from the hospital. I don't start seeing him until thursday though.

Thanks for the replies :/

[nick]

Were you too demanding, too obessive? Yes, probably. All relationships need some space in them, some trust that the other person can talk to other people. I think this is even more important in distance relationships.

Now look, lets get real, we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect. Its a learning process. We try, we fuck up, we learn from it. Thats just the way of things. Its a hard process.

I cant accept that you are a bad person, you are one of the best people I know. Staff member of the year too, so its not just me. When it comes to the recent VT awards Id also like to remind you that you were VT Male Hottie of the year. You're a great guy, a good looking guy too, believe in the future.