Dunce
January 8th, 2011, 10:58 AM
I really just want to disappear.
I know everyone has bad times, and people tell me I'll have good times. Yes I've had good times, but none that actually make me think 'wow, life is good'. My demons outweigh the good by tonnes.
I know every situation is possible to get out of, but my situation is life.
A very wise teacher once said that suicide is a permanent escape from a temporary problem.
I've tried so hard, and it just gets worse. I thought I was getting better because I got my emotions back but it's been hell. Two and a half years. People have gone longer I suppose, but for it to get worse?
I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. But living will give me the constant fear that I will die wishing I had lived differently. On my deathbed thinking 'Aw crap, I never really lived did I?'. That thought scares me. I don't want to do loads of random shit because I'm scared I'll regret not doing it.
Dieing hurts people around you, I know. But so does living.
Someday I'll move out, that may break my parents heart.
I'll never fall in love, so those small flings I have will come to an end, I will have played that person and hurt them. And if they dump me first it wont matter, nothing matters.
We hurt people everyday.
When bad things happen it's supposed to make someone stronger. I'm not strong. I'm weak.
Everything thats happened to me in the past few years have chipped away at me and someday I'll crack and fall apart. I've already started to fall apart.
Everything has taken a little bit of me, I've lost so much.
A strong person would not let this happen. But I'm not strong.
I hate myself for making everything worse. For not being able to handle the hard times. It's my fault I break down at the small things. The hard times come from inside of me, not my surrounding environment.
When most people fight their own battles it's against an illness or some other difficulty.
I'm fighting a battle with myself.
I know everyone has bad times, and people tell me I'll have good times. Yes I've had good times, but none that actually make me think 'wow, life is good'. My demons outweigh the good by tonnes.
I know every situation is possible to get out of, but my situation is life.
A very wise teacher once said that suicide is a permanent escape from a temporary problem.
I've tried so hard, and it just gets worse. I thought I was getting better because I got my emotions back but it's been hell. Two and a half years. People have gone longer I suppose, but for it to get worse?
I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. But living will give me the constant fear that I will die wishing I had lived differently. On my deathbed thinking 'Aw crap, I never really lived did I?'. That thought scares me. I don't want to do loads of random shit because I'm scared I'll regret not doing it.
Dieing hurts people around you, I know. But so does living.
Someday I'll move out, that may break my parents heart.
I'll never fall in love, so those small flings I have will come to an end, I will have played that person and hurt them. And if they dump me first it wont matter, nothing matters.
We hurt people everyday.
When bad things happen it's supposed to make someone stronger. I'm not strong. I'm weak.
Everything thats happened to me in the past few years have chipped away at me and someday I'll crack and fall apart. I've already started to fall apart.
Everything has taken a little bit of me, I've lost so much.
A strong person would not let this happen. But I'm not strong.
I hate myself for making everything worse. For not being able to handle the hard times. It's my fault I break down at the small things. The hard times come from inside of me, not my surrounding environment.
When most people fight their own battles it's against an illness or some other difficulty.
I'm fighting a battle with myself.