revelation

[LilTurtle]

everyone gets to their destination. thats the way things work....you start here and end there.

i believe i had a revelation this past thursday. i now understand doc and what he is trying to convey to me. if i want to be "normal" all i have to do is become numb to everything around me, just think and act exactly like everyone else. actually---nix the "think" part, that's not required. its very simple --- don't move, don't talk out of time, don't think, don't worry, don't hope for too much, don't breathe, don't achieve, don't answer, don't ask, don't try and make sense, don't whisper, don't talk, don't run, don't walk, don't rhyme, don't steal, don't try, don't feel, don't work, don't wish, don't lie, don't fantasize, don't teach, don't expect. i fuckin get it…just DON'T ! everything will be just fine. just be numb. when it comes to me, maybe everyone is right and i am wrong. maybe i need to accept.

that's not my revelation...this is. i believe that doc is the fucked up one here, not me. how is that for a revelation?

just more of my bullshit stuck inside this head.

~~age

.

[PJay]

Like this one too. Your doc sounds like my dad at times. "don't take risks" is kind of his thing, which if I listened means I'll never leave my bedroom.

[LilTurtle]

im not exactly sure what you mean by "i like this one too" ? its not something. its just my thoughts. but thanks for reading it and understanding. and listen to your pop but follow your heart.

~~age

.

[PJay]

yeah I get you aren't trying to write poetry or whatever, but it reads like it. Its a really powerful way of getting yourself out there and letting us get a peek inside you. I really don't think I could write something like that even if I tried (and I might have to now).

[Fiction]

Wow. I loved this as writing. It's actually awesome. it's a good way of letting your emotions out :)

[LilTurtle]

that is exactly what i wanted..... someone to understand me. someone to feel what i feel.

i don't know whats wrong with me. i sit here and write these long fuckin stupid posts to you and i don't even know who you are. i analyze everything i do and obsess with it all. by now you got to think that "this kid is a fuckin nut". well... i am. and i am very intrigued. you make me think even more. you may actually like reading my garbage. lie or not... i like it. i love that you may feel something inside when you read my words. i feel so much inside me that all this shit just pours out into words. i try so hard to lay it right in front of me. i want to make a sunset sound like if feels. i want to make a rain storm read like it smells. i want to make every word i throw on paper feel like a communion with my soul. i feel so much inside. it's hard to explain. i just want to scream so loud and want everyone around me to feel what i feel….every emotion, the twisting inside, everything. is that even possible? maybe, i don't know. all the words i need are in the dictionary that we all use. it's just a matter of picking a few of them and putting them in the correct order. that's what i do.... i'm a word picker.

i like u fiction.... and just think, you wanted to ban me. i'm glad you didn't.

.

[PJay]

I think Mark Twain was into word picking too.

You sound like you have huge amount you want to communicate, and you seem to be doing it very well, and yet you seem frustrated about your inability to describe your world, while doing it so well. I don't understand why that is ...

[LilTurtle]

paul-- i cant answer that one either. maybe im insecure. maybe i dont like the person i am. maybe i just have so much to say and cant seem to get what im feeling into the words that read the same.

the problem i have is... i have a lot of questions. a lot of questions but no answers. and i now know that the questions i have cant be answered.... not by me. believe me i have tried for some time now. and the the one question i would love to have answered may sound simple and is only one word... three letters. Why?

~~age
.

[PJay]

Honestly, "shit happens" is the best one I've found to answer your question. Some really horrible stuff happens to people who don't deserve it at all.

I think there are more helpful questions. "What would make me happy" Stuff like that. If you can't change your "now", make your future what you want it to be. I've read lots of really good advice about how to do that on this site.

Edit:
I wrote this before I clicked on your clicky. Read your background, and your other posts which I'll read again tomorrow when i'm more awake. Hope what I wrote isn't too trivial, I meant it from the heart but I've not really had to deal with too many big issues myself.

[LilTurtle]

pjay---everyone has issues. the monsters in my closet arent any bigger then the next persons. everyone has to deal and come to terms.
.

[Fiction]

I do understand your scribbles, and in some cases can relate them to myself. I try and over analyse too... I generally fail. I know what you mean about wanting to scream so much out.

I didn't want to ban you, it was just a warning and just my job.