The distractions don't work anymore...

[Alexithymia]

Basically what the title says. I have no reason to cut now, but I want to. I really, really want to. The only thing that was keeping me from not cutting was fear of letting myself down (meh... That's not that important) and someone else. That someone else cut recently so now all I have is this flimsy reason not to cut. The distractions don't work. They all just lead me to want to cut more. I feel like I'm going psychotic at times. Everything in life is great, except that I cut.

Gah... I could rant more, but I'll save it for later. Basically I'm using you, VT, as a big help/advice and distraction technique.

[Fiction]

Use us all you like, if ranting stops you from cutting then please continue :)

Cutting is an addiction as i'm sure you know, so even when things in life get better people often continue to cut. Maybe you could try getting rid of your blades so that you physically can not cut. I'm sure there will be times when you regret doing this, when you really want to cut, but when you can get through a long time without having the urge to cut you'll be greatful. When you're at your worst remember that.

[Alexithymia]

Thank Kathy. :) I guess I'm really prone to addictions, have severe addictions on both sides of my family. Lucky me I got addicted to SH. I've already gotten rid of my razors, but there's still plenty of sharp stuff here. If it gets necessary then I can break some glass to cut with. Sometimes it gets too desperate. I don't know what's going on. I never thought this would happen to me. I should be euphoric. Everything bad in my life is going away. Yet now I think I have an EDNOS and I'm addicted to cutting and... just ugh. Listening to my favorite music as a child. That's helping a bit.

[Kaius]

Cutting is like smoking. Its so easy to break cigarette in half physically but mentally its not. Its not an easy thing to break out of i won't lie, but you can do this. Ranting is what we're here for, rant all you like we're not going to judge you for it. Like Kathy said it might ease the temptation if you get rid of what you use to cut, and if you can't do that what i find that helps is putting them in a box in my wardrobe. I stick photos of people i care about on the doors and i use them as my shield. When i look at that i try to think to myself that the people that care about and love me are standing in the way of those blades, and would i hurt them just to do something i want? You can talk to us any time you need to Mark, my email address is in my signature or you can pm me whenever you feel like it.

[Alexithymia]

Thanks, Aaron. I just don't know what to do when I get this urge. I've never gone past 9 days. I don't think I -can-. The only thing that would make me is having nothing to cut with. It's only day 6 and I'm already needing to cut. And the people who keep me from cutting never seem to care about me when I want to cut.

[Kaius]

They may seem like that but really they're just lost on what to say. Believe me, i've got friends like that but i know they do care its just the worry. Hey, 6 days is brilliant considering its like needing to breathe at times. Its even longer than i've got at the moment you're doing brilliantly. Like i said before if you need to talk or rant or someone to help to when the urges are getting strong we're all behind you.

[Alexithymia]

Thank Aaron. And you too, Kathy. I can't understand my mind at times. It just seems like I'm a bit messed up. Yet, I've always fit into the "perfect" child slot. I never pissed off Mom, I was only a bit irresponsible. I was loving and lovable. I was never depressed... Was. Now is seems like I'm the opposite. I always piss her off. Last night was just a lucky night for me. I'm not loving anymore, and sure as hell not lovable. And the last one... Well, this can answer itself for that. I don't want to be out there, pretending like everything is normal, I'm not starving myself or have fresh cuts on my thighs. I don't want to pretend anymore. I just want to be free. Do what I want. But I have to hold it all in, because everyone where I live is too close minded.

/end rant

[Kaius]

Its amazing how much depression can change a person. Have you spoken to a doctor or anyone about it?

[Alexithymia]

Yeah, but he's not helping. Anything I say I know will go straight to my mom and then my life will be fully fucked up. I don't want to go on meds. I don't want professional help. Because I don't want to be -that- kid. I never did. I always wanted to be the kid you never had to worry about. The kid that you would expect to be perfect. Not the fucked up little kid that you have to make sure nothing sharp is in the area and all pills are carefully stored away.

[Kaius]

You won't be, you'd be surprised how many teenagers are on tablets to help with depression that live normal lives. Half the kids i know with them i wouldn't have ever thought they had it from how they go about day by day. They won't think of you as the kid they have to keep anything sharp away from or the kid they have to worry about as long as you're getting the help. Believe me i used to think the same but those tablets helped so much when i needed them most. You've just got to let them know they don't have to worry, you came to them when you needed them and if you need to you will go to them. They need to have that trust in you and I think as long as you be honest with them you'll have it.

[Alexithymia]

Yeah. But then I'd be the freak who has severe enough depression where he cuts himself. So, while I might be the normal kid, I'll still be the cutting kid. I just don't want help from professionals. Not yet, at least. They might actually be able to help in the long run, but I don't want to deal with the short run. Not now. Not when life's messed up.

[Kaius]

I understand and support that, just take your time and build yourself up, alright?

[Alexithymia]

All right. Thanks for listening to me. My dad should be home soon, so then I -won't- be able to cut. I'll try and figure my life out some.

[RAWWR]

Please don't cut hun, I'm sorry, I know....april 16th, I messed up big time, but you are doing so well, please don't give in now, prove how much stronger than me you are?

[Myrnodin]

This is gonna sound wierd, but id say you try to get that "rush" feeling you get when cutting, from other sources less harmful. I've seen that work before. Go grab the most violent VideoGame you have, enter the Ju Jitsu club, go watch a movie with a lot of gunshots and gore (Saw 3 works). That kind of things helps momentairly; then (if you think its feasible) try talking to your dad, watch the movies with him, go see some hockey with him, etc. This second thing should help a lot. Try it and let us know how you feel. :) I really hope this helps a bit, feel free to poke me if you need more help.

Regards,

-Josh

[Fiction]

Mark you're not the "fucked up little kid" you're just unwell. You can't help it. You need help just as someone with a physical illness needs help. As Aaron said, you should try and get help.
I'm always here if you need to talk :)

[Alexithymia]

Thank Kathy. I'm... not sure. Right now I'm tired, just had a bad day at school, and wanting to cut. My mom is starting to piss me off more now, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't want scars, but I don't want emotional pain even more. Ugh, at times I just want to sleep for an hour then wake up refreshed. And... Just nothing works now. My friends could care less, I know. My parents seem to turn on me, like I said before. The only person I really love is my cat, and she's not here right now. She's at my mom's house. I'm sorry. I don't know if I'll make it to tomorrow... I really don't.