Everyday, I'm a little further off...

[Syvelocin]

...that it's starting to scare me.

How far will it get? Does it stop eventually, does it come to a point where it can't get worse, or will my sanity just continue to go until I lose myself?

Everyday, my thoughts are more screwed up. Everyday, I fantasize about a new way to hurt/kill myself, whether physically or emotionally. And sometimes I can step back and notice how crazy I sound. Most times, I don't even find something amiss.

I've tried to help myself. I've told them anything, everything they ever asked me. They don't really pay attention. Dismissing all my claims. Not taking me seriously. Sometimes, I actually think it's a good thing that they don't realise the reality of the situation, because I fear I'd be forced into everything I wouldn't want to do. Other times, I'm frustrated with them because my issues are just so serious, and they don't seem to realise how far off I am. But I also feel like one day, they're going to realise that, and lock me up and never let me go. Shoving the disgusting pills I've always refused to take down my throat since they finally can make me do things against my will. Because I will be just a crazy girl, with no thoughts or feelings, huh?

And then my masochistic side tells me to let myself get to that point. Let them lock me up. That's where I feel like I belong, the only place I ever felt like I was meant to be.

I wish I could allow myself to just tell my therapist, look her right in the eye and say that I have problems. Because I do, I really do. And week after week, it's "how are you?" "Same old, horrible." "Okay, anything new?" Then it warps into conversations about the next concerts I'll be at and the new Harry Potter movie. Then I find myself paying for a 45-minute random discussion.

I'd imagine walking in her office with scars, four diagnosed mental disorders and hospital stays every year at the least would say something. I guess it's not loud enough.

[PJay]

Damn sounds horrible. Why can't you say you have problems? If you can tell us here, thats kind of a first step maybe, but seems to me if you can break past that block with a therapist you'd set your self up for getting better.

Maybe try a different therapist - I thought the whole point was that they would help you to get these things out in the open?

[Fiction]

As Paul said, why don't you try a different therapist? Even if there is nothing wrong with the therapist herself maybe having a new start will mean that someone else will get to know you and have to ask those questions, and maybe this time you can tell them the full extent of your problems.

[Syvelocin]

@pjay1: I really don't know. I can say anything, anything at all on VT. I've opened up to people on here about things some of my closest of friends don't know. Everytime I go in, I just can't bring myself to spill my guts though like I can on VT. I think I'm going to bring in some of my posts from here to read out. I do think it's partly my social problem. Normally when I have something I have to really convey correctly, I write out everything I will say and read from it because I have some social issues I've found. I can't think of the right words when I'm speaking but they come very easily when I type or write, I can't say what I want, how I want to. It's quite strange to be honest.

Well, this one is the third therapist/psychologist I've seen while I've been living here. I just switched to her a couple months ago.

[Nevermore]

I understand completely what you are going through. I feel the same way. It's like the dismiss the entire problem and situation and feeling. They can't relate so, they just dismiss it.
You ARE NOT crazy.
As far as the hospitalization goes that's how I feel. I feel as if I belong there. That they should lock me up, because I'm so mentally skrewed up. That, that is all I deserve for being so skrewed up. However the other part of me, just like yourself, is afraid that if they do, I'll never get out, and is scared of the idea. So I completely understand your contradicting emotions. As far as that goes, I believe that if a person is locked up forever in a psych ward that makes them crazy. You definately do not deserve that kind of locked up forever torture, plus I don't think they'd do that to you, unless you were serious about killing someone. You ARE a wonderful person. Yes, we have problems but maybe with better help we CAN get through this. :) *hugs* I'm sorry I'm not much help.
My suggestion is, is to talk to your therapist. Tell her ok, I don't want to talk about Harry Potter, or my concerts. Tell her I need to tell you something before she even asks anything at all. Then go into telling her how you aren't alright, and how scared you are. However you could get another therapist as well.

You could also write down all your secrets and give it to her to read in a letter since you can't verbally say them. :) I hope this helps. I'm always here for you Rith. PM me anytime you want to talk.

[PJay]

Well, this one is the third therapist/psychologist I've seen while I've been living here. I just switched to her a couple months ago.

Hmm. Maybe you are just very good at projecting what you want a therapist to see. Kind of cool you can do that in a James Bond kind of way, but obviously its not helping you at the moment.



I think I'm going to bring in some of my posts from here to read out. I do think it's partly my social problem. Normally when I have something I have to really convey correctly, I write out everything I will say and read from it because I have some social issues I've found. I can't think of the right words when I'm speaking but they come very easily when I type or write, I can't say what I want, how I want to. It's quite strange to be honest.


I think thats an excellent idea.

I dont think its too unusual to be able to write things but not say them. I am a bit like that myself - i often say something thoughtless outl loud without thinking that hurts someone completely by accident. My mouth goes on automatic pretty easily. I dont seem to do that when I write. And some things can be really hard to say out loud so I totally get that.