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ShutUpCasey
January 5th, 2011, 07:01 PM
Survey the scene-

Eyes forward, chin up; glancing at the horizon.

“What a broad scale.” She ponders.

With her mind set, she focused.

She didn’t want to blow it.

Not again.

Clouds loomed in the sky.

A raindrop playfully splashed her face.

“A sense of refreshment from something so minute:”

She begins.

“It almost makes you wonder how a place like this comes around.”

She pause- and her eyes glazed over.

She found herself in a reflective sort of memory.

The imagery was familiar; yet very different also.

For the first time ever, it seemed

She longed for something more.

She always wanted change somehow.

But never like this.

“At least you’re starting to dream again.”

He whispered,

His tantalizing voice a soothing melody to her insecurity.

It had been a long time since they dared to want.

It seemed like forever since they dared to feel-

Or even dared to try.

He envied her dillusions;

Wishing for an escape.

Wishing for the audacity to desire.

“Maybe someday,” He breathed:

“I’ll be able to dream like you. I’ll be able to accept my ideas.”

She looked at him with a curious face.

“Why would you ever say such a thing?” She said, questioning his reason.

“What’s the cause?”

He sighed lightly.

“The cause of reality.Who would ever accept my ideals?”

He closed his eyes, trying to find a way to better explain.

“Who would ever take me seriously in a world like this?”

She admired his words.

It was a blunt realization.

She closed her eyes- trying to find words.

“You have to make people care. Answer me this: Do care about what I say?”

This was incredulous to him.

Of course he cared.

“Yes.” He murmered.

She straightened her composure.

“See? One person. That’s where it starts. It only takes one person to start a voice.”

He took in her words, digesting the meaning.It all made sense to him.

But one thing still remained. Who?

He chuckled gently, smiling with the twinkle of rain glimmering on his face.

“Who would take the time to listen to me?”

She smiled and rolled her eyes.

” Look around. Who do you see?”

He surveyed the scene. They were alone.

“It’s just us.”

“Exactly.”

“What?”

She smiled at him.

“Well…. Why else would I be standing here?” She asked.

“To hell if I know.”

“Exactly.”

-CaseyLeighBrackett.* 1/4/11

embers
January 6th, 2011, 01:29 PM
Right, now that I've some spare time on me hands, let's get critiquing :L And that's the mindset you get when you're on TeenageWriters.

Eyes forward, chin up; glancing at the horizon.

“What a broad scale.” She ponders.

That's the first grammatical mistake I noticed - if there is a full stop at the end of inverted commas, then the bit afterwards is not related to the spoken phrase (i.e, it should be, "What a broad scale," she ponders.) But that's just be being nitpicky :P


“It almost makes you wonder how a place like this comes around.”

Eh, you might want to rephrase that bit, it's a bit awkward to read.

She paused- and her eyes glazed over.

It had been a long time since they dared to want.

It seemed like forever since they dared to feel-

Or even dared to try.

Good phrasing there. Rolls off the tongue quite nicely, and that's something that you always want present to compliment the imagery.

He envied her dillusions; - it's delusions, again, just being nitpicky :L

“Who would take the time to listen to me?”

She smiled and rolled her eyes.

” Look around. Who do you see?”

He surveyed the scene. They were alone.

“It’s just us.”

“Exactly.”

“What?”

She smiled at him.

“Well…. Why else would I be standing here?” She asked.

“To hell if I know.”

“Exactly.”

...and my favourite bit. All the stuff in inverted commas so far had been a kind of awkward, double-monologue kind of conversation (if that makes any sense D: ), but this bit made me smile.

So, like I said before, would be better as a piece of prose as a whole (especially since it's a dialogue), but works nicely as a poem. There's some spelling/grammar errors, but hell, it's good. :) And if you did make this a piece of prose, and worked on it further, it'd be even better in my eyes.