Today

[LittleEpidemic]

Today was amazing
I ate everything without feeling guilt
I didnt have the urge to cut
I smiled and laughed and didnt spend all day in my room
I was me again
I was ready to put all of this behind me
And then it happened
My sister began to cry, loudly. I thought shed hurt herself or something, but no this was my fault. I broke something that was incredibly special to her, i didnt mean to break it but i did. I started to cry, yay my emotions are fixed, my body started to connect tears with sadness instead of bloodloss. I decided i should go to bed before i do anything stupid. I went to the bathroom to cleab my teeth and face and out of habit i stepped on the scales. 7.7, perfectly normal for my height, perfectly healthy, it was even perfect for me a few hours earlier but at that time the thing inside me had taken hold and i was furious with my self. Why? Because 7.5 was my limit and i had kept that for a week.
Angry and crying i sat on my bed and reached for my blade and i cut loads of small cuts on my hip, 23 to be exact.
So yeah...
Today was shit.

[steph89]

I kind of know how you feel I think. For me all it takes is one thing to go wrong (whether its big or small) and I can go from finally thinking I'm living a "normal" life to feeling rock bottom again.
Everybody has slip ups but you can beat this and be happy again. You felt okay this morning so I think that you can do it again and maybe it will last a little longer next time, then longer the time after. Before you know it you'll be happy most of the time and these bad feeling towards yourself will fade into the distance.
Dont know if this will help at all but I hope you're okay :)

[LittleEpidemic]

Yeah "/
Im actually so annoyed with myself, i was on day 3, half of what id got before
I could have so easily not got on the scales
I could have easily not done it
Whyd i have to ><


But what i dont get is, if something makes me happy then im happy until the next bad thing, and no matter how small that bad thing is i get really really depressed until theres something that makes me happy and its really hard to make me happy when im depressed "/
I dont even know if its actual depression so i probably shouldnt call it that

Ahhhh ranting...

[Fiction]

Forget the second part of your day. Concentrate on the first, better part. Try and make everyday like that.
It's not your fault you broke something special to her. She'll get over it, you need to realise that.
Your obsession with weight will do you no good at all. It will only make your life so much worse. Try to stop it now while it's not too bad.
I'm here to talk whenever you want :)
Good luck.

[steph89]

I managed nearly 3 weeks but then it got too much for me because all the little things play on my mind more than anything else. I dont know how long I have to go before I can just get rid of the urge and find something else to do other than cut.
I know you say that you could have easily not got on the scales but I think everyone is curious about stuff when its so easy to find out an answer. If you think about it differently and think about how you would have felt if you were happy with the weight you saw, then its easier to understand why you wanted to check. Once the idea is in your mind to do something then you wont be able to relax until you do it, no matter what it is. Checking your weight could have made you feel even better, its just a shame that on this occasion something had happened so it was never going to be what you wanted to see. Oh and by the way I think you really shouldnt worry about it so much because weight isnt everything, but thats easy for me to say and obviously not easy to actually do.
Everybody can stop themselves from reaching for the blade but the hard part is trying to get the same feeling from anything else, thats why we always resort back to it.
I know that personally I find it hard to forget about bad things that happen. I think that I have a filter which can either get rid of positive things in my life or find a way of putting a negative spin on it. I'm not sure why this happens but some therapist said I have to change the way I think about things to stop that happening. I cant just change who I am though so I'm stuck on that one.
You sound like a really smart person, you know whats happening to you but you just need to find better ways to deal with things. Even if its just telling somebody about stuff and talking about it. I'm always here if you need to talk, although I am pretty new here and so dont really know how to use stuff properly

[LittleEpidemic]

I know kathy ><
i weighed myself earlier and i was 7.6 and it didnt affect me at all
I was sure i was done with it...
Banning myself from the bathroom that has scales as of now
Also i think i might cycle down to the river and chuck my blade into it...
Not sure when tho "/

And thanks steph
Welcome to vt btw ^^
Please do not double post, use the edit button. Thanks.- Fiction

[steph89]

Thanks :D

[Fiction]

Yeah not letting you weigh yourself is a good idea. Weighing yourself and counting calories are the two things you get really obsessed by, so if you're not doing either it may go away :)

[LittleEpidemic]

Teehee i got told off :3

Yeah i forgot and weighed myself and it was hell but i controlled it and reminded myself that im perfect like that
Also mum got a magazine recently and thers a bit about the cheeky girls and their struggle with anorexia. When shes done im gonna keep it as a reminder to not let it get like that (:

[Fiction]

Sounds like a good idea. Anorexia isn't a nice thing.