New Here... not so new to SH

[Alecto.Rejoice]

SH makes me think of Silent Hill which makes me happy.
I've been going through a really rough break up with my girlfriend of nearly 15 months.
I've never really used much of sharp things, like razors, but I used scissors. She stopped me from using them by hiding them because I'd use them to make really deep gashes (I'd cut over the same spot for about an hour). My now-ex says the only reason I'm alive is because I have really deep veins and arteries (instead of them being near the surface of my skin.)
So recently I purchased and X-acto knife... basically a blade with a handle. I intended to use them for carving wood, doing something that calms me and is productive. But I also realized I could use it for carving something else, my skin.

I can't go very deep because it's too sharp and hurts too much, so I can only do about one cut on a certain spot. I sort of went insane one night and cut a grid onto my forearm, cut over a scar, and then started cutting the initials of my ex.

And then I cut again, just clean little slits under the deep jagged scars. And tonight I've cut the words BITCH, SLUT and WHORE onto my forearm, ankle and chest respectively... I just feel so hopeless... I've also started scalding my back whenever I shower. I often turn the cold water off entirely and just let the water burn my back.

I don't know what to do... I'm not sure I want to stop and I'm terrified I'm going to get carried away and end up killing myself by mistake. And I barely get any satisfaction from it, anymore. I used to feel really relieved after I'd cut, but now I just burn, but my thoughts are gone from those that are making me do it. It doesn't help that my mum's going to work for a month out-of-province so I'm going to be alone. All the friends I used to rely upon are angry at me so I can't reach out to any of them. I plan on staying with my uncle for the month, but he wouldn't understand (he's really religious and would shun me for being gay.) He wouldn't understand why I'm cutting, either. I just want to be happy... and I've already gone through therapy, nothing's helped...

[bellarose]

I completely understand what your going through. I never thought about cutting until my freshman year of high school. I had been dateing a senior who was 18 and i was 14 and well, it didnt go as i thought it would. It was around christmas time when we were out to lunch with a bunch of friends and idk what i did to get him mad but he got pissed. He grabbed me by my hair and slapped me across the face busting my lip and leaving my cheek red and tear stained. The abuse never got more physical then a hard grab or push but the verbal abuse was horrible. ive never felt so bad about myself. So one day as i sat in his room crying i just lost it and i took a pair of scissors and cut myself and it felt AMAZING. and the worst part was he encourged it! anyway, i moved to florida my sophmore year and i was doing good but after once again another bad relationship it started again. i got so desperate one time in class i used a pen. after moving back to new york i stopped and i thought i was ok for good but over time i began again.it didnt get to its worst until a few months ago. my wrists,feet,ankles,hips,thighs are covered in cut marks. ive used them all. kitchen knife,scissors, burnt safety pins anything. my new friend now is a razor i keep with me at all times. I too have also purpsoefully burnt myself in the shower. And today ive decided i needed people to talk to someone going through what i am. because to be honest none of my friends would understand or care. so like you., im on my own. I wanted to tell you my story because i wanted you to know that your not alone. Im stilla cutter and always will be. but if you wanna talk ll be here.
-Bella