Not again :/

[Fiction]

Sorry for posting so much in here latley.

I purged for the first time in months today. I promised myself i'd never do that again but I felt so guilty for eating so much... and my parents had gone out, I couldn't resist it. I'm getting worse. I want to loose weight so much. I'm at 96lb now. I've never been lower than this, but I want to be so much. I honestly hate everything about myself. Now i've purged I so desperatley want to cut for being such an idiot, but I know that won't help.

Sorry this is another pointless rant :/

[Magenta]

Hey you. :)

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so badly about this. But you can get through it. I have a couple ideas but I don't know. They're a bit silly.

When I was having problems with my weight, I managed to lose almost twenty pounds in a couple months because luck was on my side and I was just so frustrated. Then I realized something once I looked at the scale and saw 120. I have a 115lb Rottweiler at home. I didn't realize something as simple as that could stop me from starving myself. I didn't want my dog to be heavier than me.

I then started eating for other people when I wanted to starve myself. I told myself they would be gaining the weight. It wasn't true but it made me more comfortable about eating until I didn't care anymore. Maybe pretend you're sending those unwanted calories to me or someone on VT when you eat. Silly but worth a try?

Sorry, iPod hit send before I was ready.

[Fiction]

Thanks Jo.
Even if I pretend the weight isn't going to me... I'll know it is. I can feel myself gain and loose weight. like I can feel it around my waist :/
I want these thoughts to go away, but I don't want to gain weight. I'm so confused.

[Magenta]

I managed to keep mine off by exercising a lot which is a bit easier since I'm taking gym this semester. But I'll phase into the typical forum response for a moment: 96 is really low. For your age and height, I've seen at least 110 to be perfectly healthy- and very flattering!

Of course, in the end, it is entirely your choice. No one wants to see you get really sick though. :)

[Fiction]

The most I've ever been is 108lb, and I look back at pictures and I hate it.

[Magenta]

Well, I highly doubt that it's that bad. You're gorgeous. What you should do though is at least get back up to 100. From there is another step entirely but being below it can get worrisome. I believe you can. :)

[Fiction]

I got better for a while, I got up to 102lb. Then a few days ago I started to feel horrible about it. And in a few days i've lost 6lb :/ I did try, but I failed.

[georgiamay]

I know how you feel kathy, I really do. I ate the smallest little chocolate in costa coffee today, and I completely freaked out. Mainly because I didn't actually know how many calories were in it, so I couldn't count, and because I knew there had to be a fair few, which means either slower weight loss, or weight gain, which I really don't want.

I know that I said to you yesterday that you need help, and I haven't changed my mind, you do. But I'm not going to try and convince you to anymore. I honestly believe that the longer you do this the harder it will be for you to hide it. One day, someone will notice and you'll be forced into therapy anyway. Or, you'll get so bad you can hardly function, and you end up in hospital on a feeding tube. It sounds really harsh, but I actually think it's very true. This is the last time I'm going to mention this to you. I really think you should get help now. If you don't, you'll just get help unwillingly, and I'm sure you'd rather get help now than later. Later will be a lot more intrusive, and a lot harder.

That's it now, no more "get help" talks from me :P

You know I love you, and you know you don't need to do this. I know there's more to it than that. I'm always here for you kathy, anytime :hug:

[Magenta]

I agree with Georgia.

You tried but you didn't fail. We've each had our slip ups recently. And you told me that you're not a failure unless you don't pick yourself back up again. You can do it, Kathy. :)

[Fiction]

Thanks Georgia. I still think I might be able to get better alone. I love you too :hug:

Thanks Jo, I know I said that. It's true. I will try. :)

[closed]

Kathy, i'm sorry i was away ><.
Well, the purging... You've controlled it before, Don't let one trip bring you so down. And i love the way you think. You really can stop permanently from cutting. You can do it... You think in the right way. It won't help. And you are doing good. keep on kathy, and talk to me. I'll be here much more often.

[Fiction]

Thanks Aidan :)

EDIT: I so want to do it again.

[SilenceForSilence]

Hey Kathy. I'm really worried about you. Again, I won't try to convince you to do anything but georgiamay is probably right. I'm also worried that your immune system is really weak from malnutrition and with the cutting you may get a serious infection someday. I really hope you can see that you needn't be losing any pounds at all. You're really beautiful now, but you may look even more vibrant and healthier if you at least get to 100 pounds. I know this is a tall suggestion, and I feel really guilty for saying it as your appearence is clearly important to you. I really hope you don't get really sick. I'm sure the forum and I would hate to lose such a valued member of this group of people. now what do you want to do again?

Please Be safe.

[Fiction]

I've had a cold for over 4 weeks ><

Thanks for your concern John, but there isn't really anything to worry about. I don't want to put on weight, at all. Thanks for your input though.

As for valued member, I can be replaced, there are so many amazing people on this site :)

Thanks all of you :)

[SilenceForSilence]

Cold for four weeks is a pretty bad sign. If you're not gonna put on anymore weight will you at least make sure you're eating stuff from the right food groups. And though I have only been on this site for a little over a week, I know no one could replace you. I really don't want you to get sick. That's my biggest concern.

I'm sorry for persisting. I'm just worried. Be Safe :)

[Fiction]

I tried eating normally for about the first 3 weeks I was ill, then it got too much. :/

[SilenceForSilence]

I understand. Well, could you just keep trying to stay as healthy as possible at least? You're awesome! Be safe! Feel good about yourself. There's a lot to feel good about! :)

[Fiction]

I'll try. Thanks for your replies :)