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Love.Hate
January 1st, 2011, 02:21 PM
Im fed up of everything.

The scars are hideous reminders every single day. I dont want them, they dont seem to fade. :'( I just dont want them. Everytime i see them i become depressed, upset Fran. I cant continue like this.
I look in the mirror and i just cant stand myself, my eyes get drawn to the scars all the way up my arm. I cant believe how stupid i was to start this.
I want to wear shorts again, skirts, short sleeves...
Why did i ever think this would help, or stop how im feeling inside. :(

I know im going to get help, but really is that going to solve the problem. I dont think so, im just kidding myself with images of a happy life without self harm. My fairytale.

My family are so immature (Only my mum and step-dad know about my SH). Ok fair enough they dont know i do it, but still one of my old friends walked past the house last night. And they were making horrible comments... "Ahh thats the "emo" i bet she slits her wrists. Stupid cow, treating you the way she did. She deserves all the pain she inflicts on herself".. WHAT!! they are just rediculous.. i just shyed away. Feeling hurt, and very guilty. She doesnt deserve any pain. I do, its my fault this family is the way it is. If i stood up for her then they would be the bad people. But i didnt so its all my fault they said those nasty comments.

I have Huge urges right now.. I have tried squeezing several ice cubes already, wrote things down, did sit ups until it hurt. I cant think of anything else to do, other than pursude myself not to do it.
I dont care that im on day ten. Right now i just want to feel that release. Who cares if its new year. I just need to cut so bad..

Can someone please help me change my mind, it would really be appreciated thankyou :)
MadManWithaBox
January 1st, 2011, 02:30 PM
Because you want to wear skirts and dresses again. Because if you do, those stupid people will win. Because you can, and deserve better. Taking help is the first step. You want the release. How long will it last? The rush, the release. How long will it last, until it fades, leaves you with more disgusting reminders, and more pain, mentally and physically. Not very long, you know.
Love.Hate
January 1st, 2011, 02:33 PM
Because you want to wear skirts and dresses again. Because if you do, those stupid people will win. Because you can, and deserve better. Taking help is the first step. You want the release. How long will it last? The rush, the release. How long will it last, until it fades, leaves you with more disgusting reminders, and more pain, mentally and physically. Not very long, you know.


I suppose.
But the release is worth it, can one be that bad ?
:S
MadManWithaBox
January 1st, 2011, 02:36 PM
No it isn't. A maximum, what, 15 minutes release, in exchange for another scar and your blood, and pain, and anger at yourself? No it isn't.
Magenta
January 1st, 2011, 02:46 PM
You can do this. We can do it. I know exactly how you feel. For me... I want to see the blood and I want to feel the pain but I don't want the scar to remind me.

If you ever need to talk, my account can't PM yet but my email address is on my profile. :) Seriously, I don't bite.
Love.Hate
January 1st, 2011, 02:54 PM
No it isn't. A maximum, what, 15 minutes release, in exchange for another scar and your blood, and pain, and anger at yourself? No it isn't.

Your right.
Thankyou :)
MadManWithaBox
January 1st, 2011, 03:19 PM
No problem. You feel like that again, feel free to PM me anytime.
Love.Hate
January 1st, 2011, 04:13 PM
Thankyou so much <3
MadManWithaBox
January 1st, 2011, 04:28 PM
Good stuff then :)
RAWWR
January 2nd, 2011, 08:14 AM
Fran, I hope you are feeling better today, and that you haven't cut, but I just wanted to offer some advice about the scars, and I know this is hard, but if you can learn to love your scars, then you will get through it, think about it-some people see self harm as weak, but really-those scars show that no matter how hard life got, you never gave up, you fought it every step of the way, and you might not have chose the best method, and I am in no way trying to glamourise self harm, but I think that we shouldn't be ashamed of our scars.
Love.Hate
January 2nd, 2011, 08:50 AM
but I think that we shouldn't be ashamed of our scars.

Thanks nicole, I know we shouldnt be ashamed of them. But I am. to me they are a sign of weakness. That I couldn't cope with life. But then at the same time if I look at them they prove I'm still here. And I wouldn't be here without SH. So yeah I can see your point but I just can't bring myself round to thinking they do me any good.

Oh and just to let you know I didn't cut :)
RAWWR
January 2nd, 2011, 08:57 AM
Well done for not cutting, thats amazing :)
I know it's hard to turn your mind to be proud of your scars, but if you can do it it will really help you to recover, I still have days when I hate my scars, but most of the time I try to see the best in them, because of what they represent, for example, last night, I was sat in my room with a bottle of bleach, and instead of drinking it like I wanted to, I cut, and yeah, I might have been silly to cut, but I didn't kill myself, and the scars that are gonna come from those cuts, will remind me that I fought that urge, and I am still alive today. <<Sorry lol. That was the best way I could think of explaining it, by personal experiences.
Love.Hate
January 2nd, 2011, 09:03 AM
I see your point, well done for not drinking the bleach I'm proud of you!! :)
I will try but it's not going to happen overnight, maybe not at all. I don't know, sorry I'm being confusing Fran again. X
RAWWR
January 2nd, 2011, 09:07 AM
lol, don't worry, i'm always being confusing Nicole, I hardly ever even know what i'm talking about. And thanks, it was a stupid idea anyways, but back to your thread, I know it won't happen overnight, it will take weeks of radical acceptance and turning the mind (sorry, DBT terms lol) But eventually you will get there.x
Love.Hate
January 2nd, 2011, 09:09 AM
Thankyou hun xxx