I'm too Depressed and Angry

[justalovestruckteen]

I don't know really where this goes.

I'm too depressed and angry. Its like I get depressed than I get angry and back again. I do have bipolar disorder, but I'm taking medicine for that. I really had never been this depressed and angry before.

I have this internet friend -Lets call her(yes its a lesbian thing) Sam. Sam and I had been friends since last year-2010- around March.At around mid-June, I stared to grow feelings for Sam. I think it was because we had an online Role Play Game and our characters are in a relationship. I didn't tell Sam about it. But I did told our group of friends I had a crush on one of our friends. During the end of June though, Sam confronted me and asked "Who do you liked?"
At first, I lied and mention another friend's name.
Sam believe me, and I have to admit it was a little funny.
But than I ask Sam "What would you do if it was you?"
Sam answered "I wouldn't hate you for it"
So I told Sam the truth, and Sam just said "OK than"
Three days later, at around early July. To my delightful surprise, Sam told me that she feel the same way.
We had a love relationship for about a month-during that month I fell in love-, till I broke it up feeling guilty about it.
Well after that, her family found out about her orientation, and she asked me "Please, just forget about me and not talk to me again".
So I teary said "Ok than, goodbye", as she blocked me.
I avoided her for about two weeks until- sometime in late August- she told me randomly "I decided to unblock you. I guess its cause I'm bored."
I told her "I just can't be friends without the feelings coming back."
She answered "I was only trying to be nice..."
So than we got our friendship back. And of course my feelings for her too.Of course I kept it a secret. She might not feel it back. One day however, she randomly told me that she loved me. I of course, said it back and we had our relationship again. Well for fun, we decided to "fake hate" each other in front of our friends. Than one day, she wasn't pretending anymore...
Some times after that, she would say she doesn't know. sometimes she'll say she hates me. Its like love bipolar she and I called it.
Soon though, there was more hate. She began to hate me more, but I became obsessed in infatuation.
I didn't know what happen. I guess I gave up a little, and we hardly had to pretend to hate each other in font of her friends, so she became nicer. Well soon we got our friendship back. I do know however, I have to leave her. Its in me to just leave since the beginning. I started by reducing our time together by being busy with school-it was the late November I think. The week I did that though, she told me she loved me again. I didn't say it back. So from that day on she told me every day she loved me, and I didn't say it back, until around December, I revealed the truth that I still do have feelings.

Well I was pretty happy with her. Until recently-Late December to current- She told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She mention I have changed. But I don't recall I changed. I'm really depressed and Angry. Even though I try to keep myself busy, I still am not happy. I do know there are only two ways I can cure my depression :
1) If she'll love me
2) If I just quit talking to Sam, forever.
I was going to go with two, but she doesn't want me to leave. She says "I need you." Yet she doesn't love me. I do know Sam is going through a lot right now. Two of her friends is thinking of ending their life. And she's missing two of her other friends that both ended their life. I don't want to cause anymore pain for her. I'm miserable and insane. But I can't do anything about it. I can't leave her when she really needs me, but if I stay I might commit suicide. What should I do?

[Ambrosia]

The second choice is probably the best idea. I have some experience with friends having online relationships and it's something that rarely works out and usually ends up leaving you very hurt and beyond confused. The fact that it is a relationship you can never take to the next level (Being how it is Long-Distance) would make it prone to have you feeling guilty during it mainly because you'll find yourself thinking there is something more out there for you. This will only further your depression and cause your anger to strengthen and just make it worse.

She is someone you need to let go. She only wants what she can't have (I.E. when you refuse to say I Love You back) and then feeds off the drama when you return the emotion. You don't need something like that in your life, even if it's only virtual. It's like dealing with a virtual vampire that loves to toy with your emotions.

It will hurt for a while but in the end you will be so much happier. It's worth it. But it's your choice. No one can decide for you. You just have to do what you think is best!

[Fiction]

Depression, loss and grief :arrow: relationships and dating.

I think this is more of a question about your relationship than depression, so you will get more relavant answers here.

[justalovestruckteen]

Just when I was crawling out of my hole of depression, A big, heavy, dark, gust of wind pushes me down again.
In other words, I was just starting to be alright again. I had plans to fix my problems. I kept my mind busy by school. but than, I just had a terrible day at school.
Not a very nice way to start the year, not very nice at all.

Why am I losing everything so valuable to me?

One of my bestest real life friends. (one who is my age and is not in special education.) Well she is moving far away to Hawaii! She's like one of the three friends I only have. (who are about my age and not in special education) And she was there for me when I was super depressed one day. Even though we were having an agruement the days before(that time), she still cared enough to help me when I was depressed. But now she's moving for the rest of her high school years. And far away to Hawaii. It hurts.

So I tried taking my mind off it. It worked fine, but than in one of my classes I realized. The semester in our school will be over soon. This means I won't see my nice teachers as much as I use to before.Another lost. I'd get new teachers of course.. but I'll miss my last ones.

One of my friends wanted me to read them a story. (well I wanted to too, so I agreed to it) Well I began reading a story about a girl who found a lost toy dog. And that reminded me of my favorite toy dog that was lost several weeks ago.

Going home didn't help. As soon I went in. My dog sniffed me once than went outside and vanished. She usually greets me first.

I know its not really the worst problems. But it hurt me enough.

[justalovestruckteen]

Just when I was crawling out of my hole of depression, A big, heavy, dark, gust of wind pushes me down again.
In other words, I was just starting to be alright again. I had plans to fix my problems. I kept my mind busy by school. but than, I just had a terrible day at school.
Not a very nice way to start the year, not very nice at all.

Why am I losing everything so valuable to me?

One of my bestest real life friends. (one who is my age and is not in special education.) Well she is moving far away to Hawaii! She's like one of the three friends I only have. (who are about my age and not in special education) And she was there for me when I was super depressed one day. Even though we were having an agruement the days before(that time), she still cared enough to help me when I was depressed. But now she's moving for the rest of her high school years. And far away to Hawaii. It hurts.

So I tried taking my mind off it. It worked fine, but than in one of my classes I realized. The semester in our school will be over soon. This means I won't see my nice teachers as much as I use to before.Another lost. I'd get new teachers of course.. but I'll miss my last ones.

One of my friends wanted me to read them a story. (well I wanted to too, so I agreed to it) Well I began reading a story about a girl who found a lost toy dog. And that reminded me of my favorite toy dog that was lost several weeks ago.

Going home didn't help. As soon I went in. My dog sniffed me once than went outside and vanished. She usually greets me first.

I know its not really the worst problems. But it hurt me enough.