I'm really really sorry

[SilenceForSilence]

I'm sorry for posting as it's been so long since I've self-harmed, but I'm struggling so bad not to. I feel like I need to finish what I started. I need to really hurt myself. The two visible scars I have are aching and I so badly want to cut everywhere. I keep seeing graphic images. There's so much blood. I can't go back. I can't go back to this. I'm sorry. I don't know who else to go to. I'm very sorry. I can't do It because I love my girlfriend too much but she's the last thing stopping me. Everything hurts. Everything is flashing before my eyes. I keep seeing the burnt-out garage my sister died in. I keep seeing it happen. I can't take it anymore. I can't go back. If I die my girlfriend will kill herself too. We'll be the boy and the girl, stretched out underground. Saying nothing, never kissing. Giving silence for silence. I'm so afraid of this. I can't go back. There's nobody to talk to but anyone here. I'm sorry for being so desperate. Mother forgive me. Please help.

[MadManWithaBox]

You've made it this far without self harm. You have girlfriend you clearly care about a great deal. Why go back to it, when you're so close? I'm sorry about your sister. But she wouldn't want you to be like this. If you talked to someone about it, it'll get better.

[Fiction]

Don't worry about coming to us, it's what we're here for.
You've been through a lot, and it's bound to have this kind of effect on you.
Are you in any kind of therapy or councelling? This could really help you to feel better, and to not have the urge to cut any more.
Hold on to the fact you have your girlfriend. It's probably not helping that she's unstable too, but there is nothing you can do about that.
If you ever want to talk feel free to contact me. My email is in my sig or you can pm (i'm a mod so you don't need 100 posts to pm me) or vm me.

[SilenceForSilence]

I used to have a psychiatrist, but he took me off my meds a while ago and said i don't need him anymore. But I will just not let myself hurt my girlfriend. It's always been my motivation. I just wish I didn't feel like doing this in the first place. Also my dad wouldn't take me to a counselor again unless I started actually cutting again. Until then, he'd say to just deal with it.

[MadManWithaBox]

Well tell your dad how much it hurts, and how you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, and tell him you want to see the psychiatrist again. He should understand.

[Grid]

Don't do it, focus on other things.

[Mike321]

You dont need to apologise for posting, thats what we're here for. I am really sorry to hear what happened to your sister, it must be a terrible thing to have to deal with.
Its good that you have something to focus on to try and not cut, you obviously care about your girlfriend alot. I think its important to keep remembering that fact that you have your girlfriend to help you.
As for your dad I think you should try and explain to him how your feeling about everything and that you want to see a psychiatrist again.
He's bound to understand, and think its a good thing that you want to get help.
Hope this helps

[SilenceForSilence]

I don't know if I even want to go to a psychiatrist. He even said the best medicine for me was my girlfriend. Another thing is I'm worried he'll get all the wrong dosages again, also my dad used to yell at me before every session and told me to act really happy so I could get off my meds. He said all the appointments were a waste of time and money. I just think the psychiatrist idea isn't gonna work. I don't feel like dealing with my dad if I could get back. that's why I'm here.

[Kaius]

Don't beat yourself up about it, it happens don't worry. I've recently gone 4 1/2 months without cutting and now i'm stuck on square one again. But the most important thing is that we climb back up and we try again, because fighting against it is the loudest action. We'll always be here behind you whenever you need someone to support you. If you need to talk about anything you can pm or email me at the address in my sig.

[TheSingingBird]

I don't know if I even want to go to a psychiatrist. He even said the best medicine for me was my girlfriend. Another thing is I'm worried he'll get all the wrong dosages again, also my dad used to yell at me before every session and told me to act really happy so I could get off my meds. He said all the appointments were a waste of time and money. I just think the psychiatrist idea isn't gonna work. I don't feel like dealing with my dad if I could get back. that's why I'm here.

All doctors are bound to get dosages wrong, psychiatry is a hit-or-miss science. You have to trust that they'll get it eventually. Have a little faith. You're dad sounds like a jerk, don't let him influence your emotional well-being. And an online forum is no replacement for actual doctors.

[SilenceForSilence]

Thank you, but I think friends, even online friends, with different unique points-of-view can do what meds couldn't even dream of doing.