han_117
December 29th, 2010, 04:20 PM
so i just joined here, today, really to just find some other people who can relate to me, i dont really fancy talking to anyone i know. people who i think i could be honest with, suddenly always change, and im still left here with no one, or thats what it feels like anyway :')
ive always been really conscious of my weight (well, i say conscious, i mean i was always aware of it, no matter what i weighed) from a really young age of about 9, i was well aware that i was easily that largest kid in the school, bt back then it never bothered me, it just was. then i got into high school, and by then i wasnt huge, bt had a fair bit of puppy fat lets say :'} i think it must have been about yr 8 aged 12/13?? when i realised it was really easy to drop a couple of lbs in a week. it was easy, all you had to do was have a weetabix for breakfast, instead of the usual feast of cornflakes, and skip lunch. brilliant. thing was, when it came round to the weekend, i was fed up. all week i was thinking so negatively, about all the things im NOT allowed, that by the time the weekend came round, the chocolate, and cake, and ice cream was all i could think about. i ate so much. and then monday was like a fresh start. next week i could lose another couple of lbs. thing was, it was the same few lbs. every week. fed up, and bored, i kinda layed off myself for a few years, bt always thinking that i was fat, and seeing that in the mirror. im in yr 11 now, and at the start of this year, things kicked off again. i havnt really lost that much weight, its just my way of thinking that is beggining to scare me. i have felt like this before, bt not as bad as this. i feel so out of control, and my head is telling me it knows how to fix it; i know what will happen if i go too far :/
im not under, or overweight, im 9st, give or take my water weight, and measure 5ft 7" tall. normal. bt all i see is fat, and rippling blubber. its horrible.
i always make eating, sleeping, and exercise charts for myself, to try and gain some control; it works for a while, and then i dont get anywhere fast enough, and i always fail.
i do feel WAY out of control at the moment. i have my G.C.S.E's in a couple of months. im predicted all A's, and my mum wont accept any thing less. everyone thinks im perfectly happy, and a high achiever, and everyones telling me that these two years are the most important of my life. ie- no exam results: no job: no life, and im ruined. i do get stressed, bt i just pretend not to give a shit. my friends have told me a couple of times, that i have a really bad attitude towards school, and perhaps i should revise even a little bit?? bt i just cant be arsed really. i always get good grades whether i revise or not, so whats the point. it doesnt make me feel any better, like planning out my eating does, so ive started to do that instead. i dont even know if this is even a problem, ive heard of poeple who are anorexic, and just read blogs on here, and some people have genuine problems, that need help. bt i dont feel that this is a problem, its just sommrthing that i have sort of adapted to do; its me. i feel it could become a problem, bt if i stay in control of it, WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT, then i shouldnt get to that point?? :'/
i currently weigh 126lbs, and would like to lose at least ten by my birthday in febuary. it shouldnt be too hard. if i focus. i know everything that i have to do, its just a case of doing it :') after christmas is over, i will feel a lot more secure :'}
sorry for ranting on ;P just wanted to get some other peoples input, see what you think?? i dont want to have any problems, bt, am i going that way??
any posts are appreciated!!
cheers xxxx
ive always been really conscious of my weight (well, i say conscious, i mean i was always aware of it, no matter what i weighed) from a really young age of about 9, i was well aware that i was easily that largest kid in the school, bt back then it never bothered me, it just was. then i got into high school, and by then i wasnt huge, bt had a fair bit of puppy fat lets say :'} i think it must have been about yr 8 aged 12/13?? when i realised it was really easy to drop a couple of lbs in a week. it was easy, all you had to do was have a weetabix for breakfast, instead of the usual feast of cornflakes, and skip lunch. brilliant. thing was, when it came round to the weekend, i was fed up. all week i was thinking so negatively, about all the things im NOT allowed, that by the time the weekend came round, the chocolate, and cake, and ice cream was all i could think about. i ate so much. and then monday was like a fresh start. next week i could lose another couple of lbs. thing was, it was the same few lbs. every week. fed up, and bored, i kinda layed off myself for a few years, bt always thinking that i was fat, and seeing that in the mirror. im in yr 11 now, and at the start of this year, things kicked off again. i havnt really lost that much weight, its just my way of thinking that is beggining to scare me. i have felt like this before, bt not as bad as this. i feel so out of control, and my head is telling me it knows how to fix it; i know what will happen if i go too far :/
im not under, or overweight, im 9st, give or take my water weight, and measure 5ft 7" tall. normal. bt all i see is fat, and rippling blubber. its horrible.
i always make eating, sleeping, and exercise charts for myself, to try and gain some control; it works for a while, and then i dont get anywhere fast enough, and i always fail.
i do feel WAY out of control at the moment. i have my G.C.S.E's in a couple of months. im predicted all A's, and my mum wont accept any thing less. everyone thinks im perfectly happy, and a high achiever, and everyones telling me that these two years are the most important of my life. ie- no exam results: no job: no life, and im ruined. i do get stressed, bt i just pretend not to give a shit. my friends have told me a couple of times, that i have a really bad attitude towards school, and perhaps i should revise even a little bit?? bt i just cant be arsed really. i always get good grades whether i revise or not, so whats the point. it doesnt make me feel any better, like planning out my eating does, so ive started to do that instead. i dont even know if this is even a problem, ive heard of poeple who are anorexic, and just read blogs on here, and some people have genuine problems, that need help. bt i dont feel that this is a problem, its just sommrthing that i have sort of adapted to do; its me. i feel it could become a problem, bt if i stay in control of it, WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT, then i shouldnt get to that point?? :'/
i currently weigh 126lbs, and would like to lose at least ten by my birthday in febuary. it shouldnt be too hard. if i focus. i know everything that i have to do, its just a case of doing it :') after christmas is over, i will feel a lot more secure :'}
sorry for ranting on ;P just wanted to get some other peoples input, see what you think?? i dont want to have any problems, bt, am i going that way??
any posts are appreciated!!
cheers xxxx