And here I am again ><

[Fiction]

I thought I was getting better.
I was weighing myself so much less.
I wasn't counting calories any more.

But the guilt of all this eating is fucking killing me now. I've put on weight. I've put on 6lb. I used to be 96lb and now i'm 102lb. (i'm 5"4 btw) Ok I weighed 108lb a while back but I still feel horrible.

I honestly don't know how I got here. When I first started I didn't really have such an issue with my weight. I don't know why I started it really, it was a way to have something to distract myself from everything, but it was stupid.

I looked at pictures of myself the other day, before all of this, and I honestly think I look fat in them. Even though I know this is ridiculous, I still feel as though they look fat. If I look down at myself I honestly think I look fat now. I can't help myself, but it's obviously my fault i'm like this. :/

It's like self harm I should have known before I started that I would become addicted, but no. I didn't listen to that did I. I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes.

This was more of a rant I suppose, sorry.

[LittleEpidemic]

Kathy "/ i know what it feels like but you have to remember, youre beautiful, youre perfect the way you are and youre strong enough to get through this <3

[Fiction]

Thanks Emma, but I thought I was getting through this but I can't stand this anymore :/

[LittleEpidemic]

Yeah i know its an awful feeling "/
I thought i was beating my sh problem again but now it says fat 6 times on my leg cus i ate a LOT of chocolate "/ i had a shower and out of habit weighed myself and ive eaten a lot today and i gained a lb (my weight always goes up and down a few pounds depending on how much ive eaten cus i have a fast metabolism) and i felt so gross and now i feel nothing but physical pain and regret "/


But enough about me
Youll get through it
Youre definatly going to start thinking about it again but make sure you eat and on evey mouthful keep telling yourself its healthy and youre doing yourself good, i can garantee youre not fat hun <3

[georgiamay]

Kathy, if you looked fat at all, I would tell you (nicely, obviously). But I've seen a lot of pictures of you, and you're not fat. You're actually very thin. I know it's not that simple. I know that me saying that doesn't make you change your mind, but it would be horrible of me if I didn't tell you that. You're beautiful.

You're more than a number on the scales. It's good that you started to get better, it really is. But the weight loss and the food are just symptoms in things like this. The actual problem goes a lot deeper. You might be able to make yourself eat and not weigh yourself, but the reasons that you did it are still going to be there, and they're the things that you need to get sorted out. The problems with eating are just the symptom.

I completely understand what you mean about it being a distraction. It was like that for me when my eating habits fucked up a bit. I didn't feel as horrible about the other things that used to bother me, it was all food. I actually stopped feeling the need to SH as much, because food was my distraction, and counting calories. But it's still a huge problem.

Please get help Kathy. I know your mum works at the local councelling place, but there has to be one somewhere further away from you that you could get to? Please try and find a way to get help before it gets worse.

I love my bitch, remember that :P :hug3:

[Fact]

Kathy, if you looked fat at all, I would tell you (nicely, obviously). But I've seen a lot of pictures of you, and you're not fat. You're actually very thin. I know it's not that simple. I know that me saying that doesn't make you change your mind, but it would be horrible of me if I didn't tell you that. You're beautiful.

You're more than a number on the scales. It's good that you started to get better, it really is. But the weight loss and the food are just symptoms in things like this. The actual problem goes a lot deeper. You might be able to make yourself eat and not weigh yourself, but the reasons that you did it are still going to be there, and they're the things that you need to get sorted out. The problems with eating are just the symptom.

I completely understand what you mean about it being a distraction. It was like that for me when my eating habits fucked up a bit. I didn't feel as horrible about the other things that used to bother me, it was all food. I actually stopped feeling the need to SH as much, because food was my distraction, and counting calories. But it's still a huge problem.

Please get help Kathy. I know your mum works at the local councelling place, but there has to be one somewhere further away from you that you could get to? Please try and find a way to get help before it gets worse.

I love my bitch, remember that :P :hug3:

You're right Georgia, there's nothing wrong with her body or her weight or anything physical. It's all in her mind and she needs to beat it before it kills her, literally.

Kathy, we all love you and don't want this for you, even if that's subconsciously what you want for yourself because you feel like you're not good enough. Please stop doing this to yourself and the people around you.

You know that we'll all be here for you.

[Fiction]

Thanks Symone and Georgia.
It's not as simple as just stopping though. I know it's all in my mind, but i'm sure everyone has had that irrational fear of something at some point that they just can't get rid of.
As Georgia said, I can make myself eat, but it doesn't get rid of the guilt and how i feel about it all :/
I love you all too :)