so confused...

[anamcara]

i know how i keep moaning about life and how its completely crap and all and believe me you have no idea how selfish i feel but...

im stuck under this big dark cloud and i cant find my way out, im lost. i keep running but it feels like i always end up back where i started, ive just about given up and i feel horrible cause my dad sits there on the sofa and cries and tells me how, if anything were to happen to me, he'd have nothing left, nothing to live for. and i have to look into his heartbroken eyes and smile and say everything will be okay and nothing is going to happen to me cause im bulletproof, so i have to be strong for him, yes as strong as steel on the outside yet shattered into a million peices on the inside.

i dont know what to do, talking, writing, listening to music, all the distractions just aren't working anymore, and to be honest i dont think the cutting is helping atm either. :(

so confused.......

[FullyAlive]

You've described exactly how i feel well not the dad part I don't think my dad cares one bit about me but the rest of it the distractions not working but then sometimes cutting doesn't work either. I'm sorry I have no answers but if you ever need to talk PM me I'm here xxxx

[Fiction]

If cutting isn't working, now is your time to stop that.
Is thee an adult you can talk to about all of this? It may help to talk about what your going through.
I've felt like this before, I feel like this now. For me it comes in cycles. It gets better at times though, so hopefully it will for you too. It might not feel like it will but as your circumstances in life change, how you feel about your life will also change.
You can leave these changes to happen naturally, or you can cause them. Getting help from someone seems to me like a good way to make a posative change.
Feel free to contact me if you want to talk xx

[anamcara]

thanks, i find it really difficult to talk to adults about things like this, so i tend to avoid coversations like this with them, i know i really should talk to someone, but i know myself and i know that once im out of that comfort zone, the consequences would be terrible, this probably sounds like utter crap, but still talking on here is helping a bit so i guess ill keep doing that for now :) xx

[Mike321]

Just keep doing what your comfortable with, take it one step at a time.
I know how you feel with not being comfortable talking to adults about this type of thing, I'm the same, I've never been able to tell anyone about it.
I get out of my comfort zone really quickly.
Hope this helps

[Meaningless-Darkness]

Im sorry to hear about the mask you have to put on for your dad! I totally understand as i have to be this way with my mum. I have to pretend that im ok on the outside even though im falling apart on the inside, just to pretect her.
I understand that you dont want to talk to adults about the way that you feel specially about the self harm as it can feel like they dont understand even if they try really hard to! I know you're trying to pretect your dad, but maybe its time to try to talk to him about it even if its hard. I understand how much you must love him, but hes here to look after you. If things were reversed wouldnt you hant him to talk to you so you could help him? This may sound hipercritical, but its only the same advice id give myself!
(sorry if that sounded like a lecture it wasnt intended that way at all! Just trying to help!)

[anamcara]

thanks, your comments help a lot, and i try to talk to my dad, but he forgets and then goes around telling everyone how i dont talk to him and how im not there for him as much as i should be, and he says to me, "you know, when im gone you'll have no-one" and i think to myself 'gee thanks a bunch dad, that helps', he also likes to talk about my mother a lot and i know that comforts him, so i dont say anything, however i dont like to talk about her, i dont look at pictures of her and i try not to remember her if that makes sense although i always think of her, (stay with me lol)...any ideas on how i might be able to talk about her more??, cause if i can do that then hopefully i can try to stop my dad contemplating suicide..........xx

[Invisible Heroine]

This sounds exactly whats going on with me. Sorry I'm not much help, I'll be here if you want someone to talk to though.

[anamcara]

thanks :)
same goes for you too, im always here xx