I'd hate to be a negetive nelly but...

[MuzicIz4ever]

I apologize in advance if this is taken off for being 'triggering' or enduces a controversy within the forum but I need multiple perceptions and views on this.

So here's the story....
I've been cutting for maybeeee.... Three years now? I dunno something like that. And I cried hard and long the first time. I don know why. Maybe i was crying over what happened that originally made me hurt myself or maybe because I just thought I was weak and I caved and started believing I was worthless and just a bother for everyone.

Then I had a thought...

Why the fuck do I even care?

As pathetic and ... Rightly STUPID as this sounds, I started wondering WHY it matters if we feel worthless or why it matters if I hurt myself. We all die eventually so what's it matter what happens before death? Why should I be sad and cry because my faggot 'father' abandonded me or because my moms new boyfriend knocked me out? Who the hell fucking cares?
why.should.I.care.?
Honestly!! Why's it matter now if we all just end up dyin eventuallly? Wh make the most of somehing if it doesn't count for anything later?
Why try to have dreams to 'change the world' or give society 'something to think about' if everyone. Dies.

I finally talked to someone about this.. Because I started wondering if it made me suicidal..

Again. Don't know why I cared either way.

And they said, "We've got 60 plus years on this planet, might as well enjoy them and make the most of it, right?"

okay.. Sure.
That helped.


For about a day.

Now everytime I recite those words on in my mind and let them resonate and echo through me it last for the length of the thought. Then my previous conceptualizations return to their unrightful place.

After my first few months of self harm a friend had told me I needed to stop and that It was bad for me - I asked why and they said "it just is."

That clearly was not very helpful or I wouldn't be here taking up your space, right?

So I started wondering why it mattered if I cut myself or burnt myself or bruised myself... People have hurt me my whole life. I'm helping them. But regardless...

Someone please answer me this,
WHY...does it matter?

"because life is a gift and it would be an insult to waste it doing nothing and not caring."

Tried it. Preached it.
And everything along those Lines. Help me please....

[Love.Hate]

It matters because....
Do you want self harm to ruin your life? Always having to cover up scars, not go swimming, make up excuses for the scars.It controls your life, why would you want that hanging over your head forever? its not worth it.
People from the outside that have never done it dont understand how addictive it can become or how much it takes over your life, thats why your friend gave that short answer, peoples perception of it is very negative. But why shouldnt it be? at the end of the day we are hurting ourselves when really there are other ways of coping.
And your not helping those people through self harming.
Sorry if i have confused you even more. But hey if its any concillation im confused too :P
Hope this sort of helped :) x

[Mrs.KermitTheFrogx]

Hey ,,
I now were yoour coming from
i used to be suicidel
my dad left me when i was 9 thats when i started cutting
thinking i was worthless ,,
but things only get better in a few years your out of hat hell hole and can be who you want to be ... dont give up your current life because when your older you can ditch the ....'s and live your life properly ...
-hope everything gets better
if you ever need to talk message me if you want :)xx

[MuzicIz4ever]

Thanks you two-
and I understand about it ruling me- not lettin me go swimming- using makeup abs wraps to cover scars and burns and cuts.. And that was actually the motivation that helped me to be clean for 3 and a half monhs last year (longest I've gone) because I wanted to just go along with life being peaceful and not wanting to worry about it or have to lie so much and being stressed out to the maximum level everytime I bent m leg or got in thshower or somebody touches my arm - I didn't want that.

But then I thought about how it makes me happy and how I like-- LOVE it- if even only for a moment until the pain on the inside comes back. And why does it matter if I struggle with the scars or not? We all die in the end...
See how relentless and persistent my subconcious instinct is?
Yepp... The mind can be a bitch sometimes..

I appreciate your efforts but it has me in the same rut...
And I was wondering-
you said you USED to be suicidal.
Congratulations on moving out of that. That is absolutley spectacular!!!! But I have to ask and wonder what chaned your mind state...?

thanks guys.

[RAWWR]

Think about it, yes you love the feeling, the release, but do you really love it? do you love that you deliberatley hurt and mutilate yourself? do you love it when you dont feel you can get through the day because you haven't felt that pain and seen the blood?
yes-you love the feeling and the release, but i'm pretty sure you don't like how much you need it, you long for it, it controls you.
Please try and fight this addiction (and i know i'm being a hypocrite here, but its worth it.)

[Njathind]

It matters because....
Do you want self harm to ruin your life? Always having to cover up scars, not go swimming, make up excuses for the scars.It controls your life, why would you want that hanging over your head forever? its not worth it.
People from the outside that have never done it dont understand how addictive it can become or how much it takes over your life

This sums it all up i'm afraid. Once you have those scars your life becomes one big lie, you cant do half the things you used to. Your life just becomes one big mess. Sorry to sound harsh but its true. I should know, my life is like this right now :(