Kiko
December 27th, 2010, 12:44 AM
Hey everyone, I'm sure most of you have seen me around one place or another although I am kind of new. For the longest time I've been wanting to tell someone my whole story, but haven't had the time or trust to tell it so I decided to put it here. It's not especially sad or interesting I just need to get it off my chest.
I remember in first grade I made up a game of sorts. I would be sitting at school and I would make a mistake and I remember thinking to myself "Ok no biggie, start being perfect...NOW." I would continue on, being as "perfect" as possible until I made another mistake and then I would repeat the process. Ever since then I've always had this image of the ideal person in my head, someone I wanted to be, but never could be. In seventh grade I became a compulsive liar. I created people, places and events that did not exist and built a glamorous story in place of my real life. I knew I had a problem when I began to believe that these things had actually happened. I wrote blogs about them that my parents found and questioned me about. I became entangled in all of the lies I had created.
On November 9, 2007 I broke up with my last imaginary boyfriend and replaced him with a real one. Things went amazingly, I stopped lying and felt like a brand new person. However, I expected my boyfriend to replace the imaginary friends I had had. I wanted him to be in contact with me 24/7 and I wanted him to make me be a better person seeing as I didn't believe I had the motivation to do it myself. When my boyfriend couldn't keep up with my demands I began to self-harm and binge drink in an effort to keep his attention. One night at a party I drank so much that I ended up kissing another guy. I told my boyfriend and he left me, telling me that I would be happier without him and that he was sick of our relationship that was hurting us both.
Being alone was the scariest feeling I'd ever known. Desperate for someone I decided to start dating the guy I had kissed at the party (he's actually quite nice). Recently I've been talking to a friend who is helping me to begin my own self-improvement journey. I know I'll have to leave my current boyfriend soon because inside of me is this longing to live for myself. I'm sick of caring what other people think and I'm ready to stop saying "I can't" because I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to rely on others in order to be happy. I want to be the person I've always dreamed of being :) I love being around you all because although times are tough you guys always come through it, and with enough energy to help other people with their problems too. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for your inspiration VT :D
I remember in first grade I made up a game of sorts. I would be sitting at school and I would make a mistake and I remember thinking to myself "Ok no biggie, start being perfect...NOW." I would continue on, being as "perfect" as possible until I made another mistake and then I would repeat the process. Ever since then I've always had this image of the ideal person in my head, someone I wanted to be, but never could be. In seventh grade I became a compulsive liar. I created people, places and events that did not exist and built a glamorous story in place of my real life. I knew I had a problem when I began to believe that these things had actually happened. I wrote blogs about them that my parents found and questioned me about. I became entangled in all of the lies I had created.
On November 9, 2007 I broke up with my last imaginary boyfriend and replaced him with a real one. Things went amazingly, I stopped lying and felt like a brand new person. However, I expected my boyfriend to replace the imaginary friends I had had. I wanted him to be in contact with me 24/7 and I wanted him to make me be a better person seeing as I didn't believe I had the motivation to do it myself. When my boyfriend couldn't keep up with my demands I began to self-harm and binge drink in an effort to keep his attention. One night at a party I drank so much that I ended up kissing another guy. I told my boyfriend and he left me, telling me that I would be happier without him and that he was sick of our relationship that was hurting us both.
Being alone was the scariest feeling I'd ever known. Desperate for someone I decided to start dating the guy I had kissed at the party (he's actually quite nice). Recently I've been talking to a friend who is helping me to begin my own self-improvement journey. I know I'll have to leave my current boyfriend soon because inside of me is this longing to live for myself. I'm sick of caring what other people think and I'm ready to stop saying "I can't" because I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to rely on others in order to be happy. I want to be the person I've always dreamed of being :) I love being around you all because although times are tough you guys always come through it, and with enough energy to help other people with their problems too. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for your inspiration VT :D