VLTOR
December 26th, 2010, 07:16 PM
I've been going through some odd, and seemingly rough times lately with my dad, and I wrote this today, and I was wondering if I should share it with him. I was planning to email it too him.
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December has rolled around again, and it’s the time of year for love, family, and Christmas cheer. This year was a little different. I ruined Christmas. I had a chance to make this year great, but I threw it all away when I convinced myself that school was more work than I could handle. I speculate that part of it stems from my frustration with not being “interesting”, and my inability to make new friends easily. I felt overwhelmed all the time and I didn’t know how to recognize it and deal with it. And now, my father is ashamed of me, because I let him down and lied.
I had convinced myself that I was working hard, and when looking at it now, I was just getting by. School felt impossible when I was getting home every night, tired, and just wanting to sleep, but staying up to do homework. I was mentally tired. Physically it was not hard for me to stay up every night, but it was the work that did not appeal to me, and so I let myself believe that I was under more stress and work that everyone else. There are some kids in several AP classes, and they stay up late even without sports, because they know that they need to do more than just finish what was assigned. Through out middle school and even my freshman year, I was used to just doing the work assigned. That was good enough because I got good grades with it. Looking back, I kick myself for not trying harder, because if I had actually put the effort that is required in the real world, I would have a lot more to show for myself. When things weren’t going my way, and I didn’t know why, I began to get scared. All of a sudden my work wasn’t good enough. It’s taken me way to long to realize that. And what really scares me is that it’s been at the back of my mind all along. Eventually, it got to the point where I was afraid to try harder. For whatever twisted reason, I would rather have done “good enough”, because I didn’t want to try hard and still fail. I was afraid that I would still fail, and so believed that I was only an average student. I now know this is not true. When I set my mind to something I can figure out anything. Through magazines and the internet, I learned more than enough to make educated and smart decisions on motorcycles and parts. The same goes for airsoft. I can work on some very complicated and rare guns, with minimal struggle.
I get angry with myself when I fail. That arrogance and pride has really set me back. For instance, in physics, occasionally I will be so lost, I feel like I’m the only one. And I don’t know why, and I feel like life is unfair to me. As it turns out, life is unfair to everyone. I start to think, “ This is why my grades suck. I’m the only one who doesn’t get it.” And as a result, I would sit in my desk, angry with myself and so frustrated that I couldn’t even bring myself to ask the question. It’s an unfortunate part of my personality that needs to change. And its not that I wont ask questions, because I do. My dad is always angry at me because he thinks I am afraid to ask questions, which is only partially correct. Before I ask, I tend to make sure I’ve done everything I can to figure it out myself, and when I know I am not going to find it, I ask. I think that is where my dad feels that I don’t ask questions, because it’s when I get angry and frustrated with my work that I don’t.
I am no social butterfly. Its not that I cannot talk to people, but it doesn’t come easy to me. I don’t have that natural ability to carry on or even start a conversation with new people. It’s never really been a problem for me. I’ve always been content with it. I think that is mainly because I had hobbies such as motocross and airsoft/MILSIM to keep me going. Although maybe those are the reason I am not very good with words. Recently, as I watch the friends around me go out, have girl friends and socialize more, it has started to make me wonder, “Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I be interesting.” I don’t feel that I can’t be, because in the right environment I can be very vocal, and have fun with everyone. Those moments are few and far between. The part that actually bothers me is not having that one friend, or that one person (outside of my parents) who is interested in me and what’s going on with me. And I have nobody to blame for that but me.
The important thing is that I know realize all of these problems. I currently have two “C” grades, that are very close to becoming a “B”, and I still have time to fix them before the semester, and I will. I know that I can do it, but I think it may be too late, or it will at least take a long time to regain the respect I had from my father. I now have to quite wrestling and football. All of my school problems can be accurately interpreted as similar to my performance in wrestling. And I did feel like quitting. But now, being forced to quite, and seeing my true self, has inspired me and I now have found the fun in it that had previously been lost. Life is a mind game, and the person who realizes that they can do anything, will do everything. My favorite sport is football, and being forced to quite that really scares me, and is pushing me to do the absolute best that I can, so that by next season hopefully I will be allowed to play. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t play football, especially next year; my senior year. I love that game so much, and I’ve put so much emotion into it just to be the best that I could be on that field. I was even recognized by my coaches as the most improved defensive player. I worked so hard to get that starting position, and now that I have it, its all gone. Now I have to get a job pay for everything myself. In fact, I’ve already looked at and partially filled out a few applications this afternoon while I take breaks from writing. My dad and I had found a beautiful Ford Bronco for sale, and we were planning to take a look at it, and at the time, it seemed likely that we may take it home. But because I ruined everything, I now have to get a job and pay for a car myself as well as insurance. Its his way of training me for the real world and its responsibilities. The part that bothers me is, not having to buy everything myself, but that I lost the respect and privilege to have things easier.
On Christmas Eve, I went to church, just like every year. It’s a humbling experience and I enjoy it. Everyone was given a candle, and as they were lit in the dark, the congregation sang “silent night”. As this was happening, I began to stare at the flame and think, “what do I really want for Christmas?” At that moment I realized, I didn’t care if I got some new video games, or new airsoft gear, all I wanted was for my dad to be happy and to be his old self again; at least just for the day, because everyone deserves to be happy on Christmas. I was with my mom on Christmas eve and for the next morning. I called my dad in the morning, and it seemed as if my wish was coming true. He sounded happy on the phone and like his old self. When he picked me, we went out to breakfast and then home to open presents. But something wasn’t right. He still wasn’t happy. He showed little emotion all day. To my surprise he gave me a very nice LCD TV to put in my room. As amazing of a gift as it was, and as thankful as I am, I’m not happy, because my dad was still feeling ashamed of me. He did get sick later in the day, and at first I told myself, “Oh he just wasn’t feeling good”. But it was more than that. He wouldn’t even tell me that he loves me when I left that night.
Dad, if you read this, I’m sorry I ruined Christmas. I have put so much between us that neither of us can be happy right now. I hope you don’t take anything I’ve said the wrong way. I do love you, and I miss the old you: The you that was funny, happy, and made everything we did fun.
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December has rolled around again, and it’s the time of year for love, family, and Christmas cheer. This year was a little different. I ruined Christmas. I had a chance to make this year great, but I threw it all away when I convinced myself that school was more work than I could handle. I speculate that part of it stems from my frustration with not being “interesting”, and my inability to make new friends easily. I felt overwhelmed all the time and I didn’t know how to recognize it and deal with it. And now, my father is ashamed of me, because I let him down and lied.
I had convinced myself that I was working hard, and when looking at it now, I was just getting by. School felt impossible when I was getting home every night, tired, and just wanting to sleep, but staying up to do homework. I was mentally tired. Physically it was not hard for me to stay up every night, but it was the work that did not appeal to me, and so I let myself believe that I was under more stress and work that everyone else. There are some kids in several AP classes, and they stay up late even without sports, because they know that they need to do more than just finish what was assigned. Through out middle school and even my freshman year, I was used to just doing the work assigned. That was good enough because I got good grades with it. Looking back, I kick myself for not trying harder, because if I had actually put the effort that is required in the real world, I would have a lot more to show for myself. When things weren’t going my way, and I didn’t know why, I began to get scared. All of a sudden my work wasn’t good enough. It’s taken me way to long to realize that. And what really scares me is that it’s been at the back of my mind all along. Eventually, it got to the point where I was afraid to try harder. For whatever twisted reason, I would rather have done “good enough”, because I didn’t want to try hard and still fail. I was afraid that I would still fail, and so believed that I was only an average student. I now know this is not true. When I set my mind to something I can figure out anything. Through magazines and the internet, I learned more than enough to make educated and smart decisions on motorcycles and parts. The same goes for airsoft. I can work on some very complicated and rare guns, with minimal struggle.
I get angry with myself when I fail. That arrogance and pride has really set me back. For instance, in physics, occasionally I will be so lost, I feel like I’m the only one. And I don’t know why, and I feel like life is unfair to me. As it turns out, life is unfair to everyone. I start to think, “ This is why my grades suck. I’m the only one who doesn’t get it.” And as a result, I would sit in my desk, angry with myself and so frustrated that I couldn’t even bring myself to ask the question. It’s an unfortunate part of my personality that needs to change. And its not that I wont ask questions, because I do. My dad is always angry at me because he thinks I am afraid to ask questions, which is only partially correct. Before I ask, I tend to make sure I’ve done everything I can to figure it out myself, and when I know I am not going to find it, I ask. I think that is where my dad feels that I don’t ask questions, because it’s when I get angry and frustrated with my work that I don’t.
I am no social butterfly. Its not that I cannot talk to people, but it doesn’t come easy to me. I don’t have that natural ability to carry on or even start a conversation with new people. It’s never really been a problem for me. I’ve always been content with it. I think that is mainly because I had hobbies such as motocross and airsoft/MILSIM to keep me going. Although maybe those are the reason I am not very good with words. Recently, as I watch the friends around me go out, have girl friends and socialize more, it has started to make me wonder, “Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I be interesting.” I don’t feel that I can’t be, because in the right environment I can be very vocal, and have fun with everyone. Those moments are few and far between. The part that actually bothers me is not having that one friend, or that one person (outside of my parents) who is interested in me and what’s going on with me. And I have nobody to blame for that but me.
The important thing is that I know realize all of these problems. I currently have two “C” grades, that are very close to becoming a “B”, and I still have time to fix them before the semester, and I will. I know that I can do it, but I think it may be too late, or it will at least take a long time to regain the respect I had from my father. I now have to quite wrestling and football. All of my school problems can be accurately interpreted as similar to my performance in wrestling. And I did feel like quitting. But now, being forced to quite, and seeing my true self, has inspired me and I now have found the fun in it that had previously been lost. Life is a mind game, and the person who realizes that they can do anything, will do everything. My favorite sport is football, and being forced to quite that really scares me, and is pushing me to do the absolute best that I can, so that by next season hopefully I will be allowed to play. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t play football, especially next year; my senior year. I love that game so much, and I’ve put so much emotion into it just to be the best that I could be on that field. I was even recognized by my coaches as the most improved defensive player. I worked so hard to get that starting position, and now that I have it, its all gone. Now I have to get a job pay for everything myself. In fact, I’ve already looked at and partially filled out a few applications this afternoon while I take breaks from writing. My dad and I had found a beautiful Ford Bronco for sale, and we were planning to take a look at it, and at the time, it seemed likely that we may take it home. But because I ruined everything, I now have to get a job and pay for a car myself as well as insurance. Its his way of training me for the real world and its responsibilities. The part that bothers me is, not having to buy everything myself, but that I lost the respect and privilege to have things easier.
On Christmas Eve, I went to church, just like every year. It’s a humbling experience and I enjoy it. Everyone was given a candle, and as they were lit in the dark, the congregation sang “silent night”. As this was happening, I began to stare at the flame and think, “what do I really want for Christmas?” At that moment I realized, I didn’t care if I got some new video games, or new airsoft gear, all I wanted was for my dad to be happy and to be his old self again; at least just for the day, because everyone deserves to be happy on Christmas. I was with my mom on Christmas eve and for the next morning. I called my dad in the morning, and it seemed as if my wish was coming true. He sounded happy on the phone and like his old self. When he picked me, we went out to breakfast and then home to open presents. But something wasn’t right. He still wasn’t happy. He showed little emotion all day. To my surprise he gave me a very nice LCD TV to put in my room. As amazing of a gift as it was, and as thankful as I am, I’m not happy, because my dad was still feeling ashamed of me. He did get sick later in the day, and at first I told myself, “Oh he just wasn’t feeling good”. But it was more than that. He wouldn’t even tell me that he loves me when I left that night.
Dad, if you read this, I’m sorry I ruined Christmas. I have put so much between us that neither of us can be happy right now. I hope you don’t take anything I’ve said the wrong way. I do love you, and I miss the old you: The you that was funny, happy, and made everything we did fun.