Amnesiac
December 25th, 2010, 11:24 PM
(This was originally published on Facebook on November 4, 2009.)
It was not long after noon on an average Wednesday, and Commander Awesome had just finished reading the healthcare reform bill, scanning it for “signs of evil”. He had been reading the document – which was the size of a home printer and had taken two trees to produce – for two days straight, stopping only to drink an occasional coffee. Now that he was done reading (he still had to report the actions of some Republicans, who has scribbled the word “socialism” in pencil in the margins), he needed a break.
The Commander decided to fly himself to nearby Albany, New York for lunch. Scanning the crowded downtown streets, he decided to move out into the suburbs away from the lunch rush. He spotted a casual-looking McDonald’s, flew down, and walked in. As he entered, he noticed an elderly couple discussing how healthcare reform was “socialism”, so the Commander shot them an ice-cold stare.
Commander Awesome continued onto the counter, where an incredibly ugly teenager was employed at the cash register, hunch-backed and smelly. He was wearing his McDonald’s regulation hat on backwards, and his shirt was messily tucked in. Nevertheless, Commander Awesome proceeded to order his favorite meal: number 12, the Angus Burger.
“Hello” said Commander Awesome, in his smooth, deep voice.
“What do you want?” replied the teenager harshly, clearly irritated without his iPod.
“Uhh, I’ll have… number 12. No pickles,” replied the Commander, scratching his chin.
“Will that be a meal, sir?” said the employee, making “sir” sound somewhat sarcastic.
“Yes…” replied Commander Awesome, taken aback somewhat by the teenager’s irritable personality.
“You know, I need to know what drink you want, too, sir.”
“I’ll have a Coke.”
“That’ll be $7.59.” the teen said. “Make it quick,” he mumbled almost inaudibly.
“What?” asked Commander Awesome.
“I said, MAKE IT QUICK! God, you customers, always WASTING MY TIME! When I could be TEXTING MY GIRLFRIEND!!! AND LISTENING TO METALLICA!!!!!” screamed the teenager, face reddened. The entire restaurant turned their attention to the front counter.
Commander Awesome’s eye twitched. His hands compressed into fists. Trying to keep his cool, he asked the infuriated, low-wage employee, once again: “What?”
“I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT FOR YOUR ORDER! JUST SAY IT WHEN YOU GET HERE! YOU’RE WASTING MY TIME, GOING ‘UHH’ AND ‘UMM’ AND SCRATCHING YOUR CHIN WHILE YOU ORDER! I HAVE SONGS TO LISTEN TO! PEOPLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH! FOOD TO VANDALISE! JUST ORDER YOUR FREAKIN’ FOOD, OKAY?!!!”
Commander Awesome was too good for this kid. He knew it. He commented smoothly, “You have a girlfriend, huh? Is it your mom?” And he punched the wimpy teen right between the eyes. But the teenager was obviously more powerful than the Commander had anticipated, and he jumped back up, leaped onto the counter and started hurling sloppy Big Macs at Commander Awesome’s sculpted jaw.
The Big Macs covered Commander Awesome in low-quality lettuce and beef. The Commander could barely stand the wretched foods covering his beautiful custom-made suit. He brushed off the exploded burgers and pulled out the Republican plan for education – an amazing 2 pages long – and started slapping the teenager’s face with it. The sharp sound of the slaps bounced off the walls of the poorly constructed eating facility. With each slap of the poorly written, lazily produced document, the teenager lost balance. He eventually fell to the slippery tiled floor, dizzy from the multiple strikes. With one last blow, Commander Awesome pulled out his iPod and played a song from Kidz Bop 4192, blasting it into the teenager’s small ears. Within seconds, the young employee died from the horrible, fake covers of popular songs by pathetic children. The teen was no more.
Commander Awesome was offered a free Angus Burger and fries by the staff of the restaurant. He took the excellently produced meal, ate it quickly, and flew out the door at top speed, back towards his cave in the mountains.
As Commander Awesome sat down on his couch back in the cave, he decided to retire the Republican education plan. It was simply too dangerous, too evil a weapon to be used on other human beings. The Commander placed it in his “evil” file cabinet, along with multiple Kidz Bop CDs, a life-size image of Sarah Palin, another life-size image of Richard Nixon, the PATRIOT Act, a copy of Windows XP, a life-size image of Phil Spector, and many more horrible items. After closing the cabinet and locking it, Commander Awesome went on his computer and browsed his favorite forums. Surfing the web happily, he was content until he stumbled across a horrible, horrible webpage…
It was not long after noon on an average Wednesday, and Commander Awesome had just finished reading the healthcare reform bill, scanning it for “signs of evil”. He had been reading the document – which was the size of a home printer and had taken two trees to produce – for two days straight, stopping only to drink an occasional coffee. Now that he was done reading (he still had to report the actions of some Republicans, who has scribbled the word “socialism” in pencil in the margins), he needed a break.
The Commander decided to fly himself to nearby Albany, New York for lunch. Scanning the crowded downtown streets, he decided to move out into the suburbs away from the lunch rush. He spotted a casual-looking McDonald’s, flew down, and walked in. As he entered, he noticed an elderly couple discussing how healthcare reform was “socialism”, so the Commander shot them an ice-cold stare.
Commander Awesome continued onto the counter, where an incredibly ugly teenager was employed at the cash register, hunch-backed and smelly. He was wearing his McDonald’s regulation hat on backwards, and his shirt was messily tucked in. Nevertheless, Commander Awesome proceeded to order his favorite meal: number 12, the Angus Burger.
“Hello” said Commander Awesome, in his smooth, deep voice.
“What do you want?” replied the teenager harshly, clearly irritated without his iPod.
“Uhh, I’ll have… number 12. No pickles,” replied the Commander, scratching his chin.
“Will that be a meal, sir?” said the employee, making “sir” sound somewhat sarcastic.
“Yes…” replied Commander Awesome, taken aback somewhat by the teenager’s irritable personality.
“You know, I need to know what drink you want, too, sir.”
“I’ll have a Coke.”
“That’ll be $7.59.” the teen said. “Make it quick,” he mumbled almost inaudibly.
“What?” asked Commander Awesome.
“I said, MAKE IT QUICK! God, you customers, always WASTING MY TIME! When I could be TEXTING MY GIRLFRIEND!!! AND LISTENING TO METALLICA!!!!!” screamed the teenager, face reddened. The entire restaurant turned their attention to the front counter.
Commander Awesome’s eye twitched. His hands compressed into fists. Trying to keep his cool, he asked the infuriated, low-wage employee, once again: “What?”
“I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT FOR YOUR ORDER! JUST SAY IT WHEN YOU GET HERE! YOU’RE WASTING MY TIME, GOING ‘UHH’ AND ‘UMM’ AND SCRATCHING YOUR CHIN WHILE YOU ORDER! I HAVE SONGS TO LISTEN TO! PEOPLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH! FOOD TO VANDALISE! JUST ORDER YOUR FREAKIN’ FOOD, OKAY?!!!”
Commander Awesome was too good for this kid. He knew it. He commented smoothly, “You have a girlfriend, huh? Is it your mom?” And he punched the wimpy teen right between the eyes. But the teenager was obviously more powerful than the Commander had anticipated, and he jumped back up, leaped onto the counter and started hurling sloppy Big Macs at Commander Awesome’s sculpted jaw.
The Big Macs covered Commander Awesome in low-quality lettuce and beef. The Commander could barely stand the wretched foods covering his beautiful custom-made suit. He brushed off the exploded burgers and pulled out the Republican plan for education – an amazing 2 pages long – and started slapping the teenager’s face with it. The sharp sound of the slaps bounced off the walls of the poorly constructed eating facility. With each slap of the poorly written, lazily produced document, the teenager lost balance. He eventually fell to the slippery tiled floor, dizzy from the multiple strikes. With one last blow, Commander Awesome pulled out his iPod and played a song from Kidz Bop 4192, blasting it into the teenager’s small ears. Within seconds, the young employee died from the horrible, fake covers of popular songs by pathetic children. The teen was no more.
Commander Awesome was offered a free Angus Burger and fries by the staff of the restaurant. He took the excellently produced meal, ate it quickly, and flew out the door at top speed, back towards his cave in the mountains.
As Commander Awesome sat down on his couch back in the cave, he decided to retire the Republican education plan. It was simply too dangerous, too evil a weapon to be used on other human beings. The Commander placed it in his “evil” file cabinet, along with multiple Kidz Bop CDs, a life-size image of Sarah Palin, another life-size image of Richard Nixon, the PATRIOT Act, a copy of Windows XP, a life-size image of Phil Spector, and many more horrible items. After closing the cabinet and locking it, Commander Awesome went on his computer and browsed his favorite forums. Surfing the web happily, he was content until he stumbled across a horrible, horrible webpage…