Log in

View Full Version : Something I just came up with (No Title Yet)


Navi
December 24th, 2010, 03:00 AM
I wanted to try to write a couple quick short stories. I need to work on writing since my language arts teacher gives us timed essays. Tell me what you think of them! Thanks in advance! :D

Thomas was crawling his way home from school, thinking about two things- his grades at school, and what trouble his family would be up to. He went to a charter school that isn’t that great. His teachers were rude, the students were worse, and almost everything else was also wrong. His parents are always up to trouble, even though they divorced last year. They were the last case before the holiday vacations. Thomas lives with his father, and he doesn’t like his father. He smokes, gambles, and gets angry very easily. He sees his mother, who lives in the next county over, every weekend. His mother is unemployed after a car crash a few years ago. Thomas has a twelve year old brother who he doesn’t really like.

Thomas is usually a quiet person. He was around fifteen years old, and is in ninth grade at the school he dislikes with all of his heart. He was around six feet tall, and kind of overweight. He keeps himself look respectable, although he thinks he has a problem with acne. Thomas and his father live in Ocala, Florida, which is pretty much halfway between Tampa and Tallahassee. His mother lived in Melbourne Beach, which is near Kennedy Space Center. Thomas has always enjoyed aviation and the space program, but is now upset because there is no space center or airport near his house. He doesn’t really like either parent or the family, but he prefers mom over dad.

Thomas decided to go to his personal quiet zone today. His quiet zone was a moderate-sized area of thick woods with a small stream running through. No one knew about this area. While he was at his dad’s house during summer vacation, he spent most of his time in the woods clearing a small area for a space to relax and do homework. He wanted to make sure no one knew about his hideout. On some weekends when he didn’t go to his mother’s house, he went and took a short camping trip to his resort. Thomas told his father he was going to spend the weekend with a friend.

At his little campsite, it seemed he had everything he needed. He had a small pit for little campfires. He had a water purification system to get water from the stream. He had peace. It was something he never could have anywhere. He was lucky he could have his small time of peace. If not, he might have gone completely insane. He had a backpack for school, but a special backpack for when he went on his short camping trips. He was able to carry a tent, a sleeping bag, a first aid kit, toilet paper, a few changes of clothes, and whatever he decided to carry. However, today was only Wednesday, and he was staying at dads this weekend.

Black Eight
December 27th, 2010, 02:17 AM
I feel like there's no point to the story. Although there is a plot, it's very small and overpowered by what you told us about Thomas. If I were you, I would condense the first two paragraphs into one and write more about the camping trip.

Sage
December 27th, 2010, 10:46 AM
It's bland. You need to work on exposition. Everything is just plainly stated and there's no creative use of vocabulary or literary devices, and you keep alternating between present tense and past tense. Almost every sentence is structured in exactly the same incredibly basic form and it makes the story repetitive and difficult to follow. Also, writing stories isn't going to help you with timed essays. They're entirely different types of writing.

My advice to you is to pick up a well written novel (if you need some recommendations, just ask) and look closely at how things are written, how chapters are broken down. Some paragraphs go into detail describing things and delving into deeper themes, others function to simply explain actions and move the scene along.