I F*cked up

[Love.Hate]

So yeah i just thought i would tell you all what a failure i am..
I wanted to reach two weeks so badly..
Last night i was fine, but then i saw a blade and all i could do was think about slicing myself to pieces (i know a bit graphic but thats how i felt).
I sat there for about 5minutes trying to list reasons why i shouldnt do it, telling myself i dont need it and i can cope without it.

Well that failed. I dont know why but the next thing i knew i had 14 cuts on my upper arm.. i wanted to do more, but i stopped myself.
So now its the morning after and i feel so guilty, yet in a weird way im craving more so badly.. craving the pain i didnt inflict on myself last night..

I dont know what to do anymore, i feel trapped in self harm.. its become my life. :(

I know you will all just say its a slip up and you can carry on and improve.. but it wasnt just a slip up. I could have resisted.. But im not strong enough. I feel like i have let everyone down..

Im sorry if i have put you through the pain of reading this.. i just dont know what to do anymore. There is no point in my exsistence.. I just feel so crap right now :-/

[Malcolm Tucker]

well that failed. I dont know why but the next thing i knew i had 14 cuts on my upper arm.. I wanted to do more, but i stopped myself.
......
i know you will all just say its a slip up and you can carry on and improve.. But it wasnt just a slip up. I could have resisted.. but im not strong enough. I feel like i have let everyone down..


Fran, the fact that you said "enough" last night and stopped at 14 means you have self-control. I know it doesn't feel like it but you can fight this. Heck, I've been in the exact same position as you, worse even, and I'm on 3 weeks now. I know you don't feel strong enough but I promise you that you are pet. Everyone has that power in them to fight this and you are no exception. You just need to put last night behind you and move forward - sure, it was one slip up (all cliché aside) we all make them but you can't let it dictate your future hun. There is point in your existence and you know it. No one deserves to feel like this hun and we are all here for you to help you get through this and fight off the next 14. Please don't give up when you have the strength inside you.

I know if I was in that position last night, and I very nearly was in that position, I don't know if I'd have had the strength to say "enough" after 14 :hug:. It'll all be okay Fran just keep fighting on - I swear to God you won't regret it!!!

If you need me you can talk to me about it all hun. We're all here for you :hug:

[Love.Hate]

I suppose your right i do have some self control, but sometimes it doesnt feel like i do.
But im going to pick myself up and try again, there is nothing else i can do.
Michael it really means alot thankyou soooo much :) xx

[Malcolm Tucker]

I suppose your right i do have some self control, but sometimes it doesnt feel like i do.
But im going to pick myself up and try again, there is nothing else i can do.
Michael it really means alot thankyou soooo much :) xx

Exactly. Every knock is a little boost. You learn and you get stronger inside. You have to push on because you'll be so thankful you did fight when all this is over hun :hug:

And it's no problem Fran :) I'm here for you ok?

[Mike321]

What Michael said is spot on, you proved to yourself that you do have self control and you managed to stop yourself from doing more.
We've all had slip ups (I did last night, I'd made it 6 days).
I can only really repeat what Michael said, we've all got the strength to fight this and you have too.
Put it all behind you and move on, you can do it Fran

[Love.Hate]

Thankyou to both of you :)

[DarkHorses]

Hey Fran,

I know how hard it can be. I've been there before. But like everyone else has said, you do have self control. You proved that by 14 cuts instead of fifteen, or maybe even twenty. You proved that by stopping even though you didn't want to.

And even though you didn't make it quite two weeks, you proved it by making as long as you did. I know it feels like more than just a slip up, but the reality of it is that you don't get to give up self harm without a battle. It's a fight to the very finish, and it's not a decision you make over night. When you're addicted to self harm it's a decision you make every second of the day, every minute. You're not always going to choose right. But eventually it will become a lot easier every time.

I believe in you, and I know you can get through this. I'm always here if you need to talk. Take care. :hug:

[Love.Hate]

Amanda,
Thankyou its really nice to have people believe in me,
Even if its over the internet :P