Too much.

[Kaya]

I didn't mind him dying. So why a year later do I start to care? I miss him.



I love you Samuel.

[Fiction]

Sometimes feelings can be supressed. You don't feel them and much later they come back.

I suggest you read this thread:
http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=89128

I hope you can begin to feel better soon, although it's ok to be upset, and it's ok to cry.