Dunce
December 16th, 2010, 03:00 PM
I have no will to live. I just cant do this anymore. I think I'm having a mental breakdown.
I've had depression for about 3 years and lately the ups have become slightly more frequent but.... its hard to explain... its like im happy but I know that If I ever start to think, or reflect on my day or on my life I know I'll get depressed again. I guess the best way to explain it is that my happiness is very short lived and conditional. Inbalanced. And the downs are way worse than they used to be.
Loads of magazines I read and stuff say depression usually goes after about a year. But Ive heard of loads of cases where people have suffered from dpression their whole life, and deep inside I know this is me.
Sometimes I dont really match the depression symptoms, like, I dont go around with a constantly sad face not responding to people, which makes me think maybe I dont have depression. But then I remember how much I want to die..
I'm not close to killing myself, but I'm afraid that in a few years time, or ever one year that I wont be able to handle it anymore(I'm over the edge already) and I'll just do it.
I've tried everything, I excersise, I socialise, I have hobbies and I still feel unhappy. I have no passions, and I feel worthless.
I've researched therapy and they mostly make you become 'goal oriented', which isnt me at all, to me that sounds self serving and quite... empty.
I dont see anything positive in my future, I see me being lonely, living in a tiny flat, I see my mams face, full of pity that I'm so lonely and have nothing.
Even if I dont turn out lonely, I'll still be unhappy. I'm not lonely now and I'm unhappy, why would that change? I feel like I'm breaking down, like I want to switch off. Sometimes all I can do is sit there and cry. When I cry I break things, and I moan and cry really loud, I pull at my hair. I feel like a crazy person, its all I can do to express myself.
Today we watched Hamlet in English class. Ophelia was in a straight jacket, giggling one minute and then screaming painfully about nothing it seemed. I'm scared I'll end up like her, I related to her so much. No one in the class understood it except me.
Does anyone feel the same as me...?
I've had depression for about 3 years and lately the ups have become slightly more frequent but.... its hard to explain... its like im happy but I know that If I ever start to think, or reflect on my day or on my life I know I'll get depressed again. I guess the best way to explain it is that my happiness is very short lived and conditional. Inbalanced. And the downs are way worse than they used to be.
Loads of magazines I read and stuff say depression usually goes after about a year. But Ive heard of loads of cases where people have suffered from dpression their whole life, and deep inside I know this is me.
Sometimes I dont really match the depression symptoms, like, I dont go around with a constantly sad face not responding to people, which makes me think maybe I dont have depression. But then I remember how much I want to die..
I'm not close to killing myself, but I'm afraid that in a few years time, or ever one year that I wont be able to handle it anymore(I'm over the edge already) and I'll just do it.
I've tried everything, I excersise, I socialise, I have hobbies and I still feel unhappy. I have no passions, and I feel worthless.
I've researched therapy and they mostly make you become 'goal oriented', which isnt me at all, to me that sounds self serving and quite... empty.
I dont see anything positive in my future, I see me being lonely, living in a tiny flat, I see my mams face, full of pity that I'm so lonely and have nothing.
Even if I dont turn out lonely, I'll still be unhappy. I'm not lonely now and I'm unhappy, why would that change? I feel like I'm breaking down, like I want to switch off. Sometimes all I can do is sit there and cry. When I cry I break things, and I moan and cry really loud, I pull at my hair. I feel like a crazy person, its all I can do to express myself.
Today we watched Hamlet in English class. Ophelia was in a straight jacket, giggling one minute and then screaming painfully about nothing it seemed. I'm scared I'll end up like her, I related to her so much. No one in the class understood it except me.
Does anyone feel the same as me...?