Depressed, lost in the void...

[Shenron]

I do not know what to do anymore. I am miserable. I feel like shit. I have no friends, no relationships, nothing. It is as if the world has lost all color. Life no longer has any meaning. I am lost, lost in the void of the darkness that consumes me. Every fiber of my being is consumed by the darkness, darkness, darkness. The darkness is real, it has a life of its own. It manifests itself in my parents, my teachers, and those that surround me. I am hated, hated by all. Nobody cares. I do not try to hide my sorrow, I can't. Even when I try, the darkness shows through, but nobody notices. My parents do not see it, or if they do, they do not care. My teachers...I am just another filled desk, another paper to grade. The people around me...another person to vent to, someone to pass the time with, only when they are bored. I am a last resort. Many times I have thought about ending it, even attempted a few times, but to no avail. My life is meaningless...I am but another being walking the face of this decrepid prison we call earth. This is the life I lead, I do not choose it, it chose me, and now I am forced to live my days in hell. I have medical conditions, documented by doctors, they cause me to miss school, and every day my condition warrants me staying home, my parents bitch and tell me I will amount to nothing. I am lazy they say, just looking for a cop out, a reason to stay home and lay on my ass. My teachers, when I am absent, they give no consideration to the fact that I have problems, they give no leeway on deadlines. I am failing four classes because they refuse to work with me on times to make up tests and whatnot. Last quarter, I had a 3.9 GPA (Perfect is 4.3) This quarter.....failing. Because I am failing my classes, I am a failure to my parents. I do not tell them about my depression, it would be but a source of ridicule and a reason for demeaning comments. I want this all to end, I want to break out of the darkness in which I live, I need human interaction, I need a relationship, but I have none of these and I doubt I will find them anytime soon. I am a fuck up, nothing I do is right, everything I do is flawed. Nothing is ever good enough. It doesn't matter that last year I had over 40 absences by this time of year, and now I only have 13...no....because I missed one day, I am a failure. That word...failure...it it always in my mind, constantly reminding me that I am insignificant. Why am I forced to live like this, why mmust I endure this?

I am lost, lost in the void of the darkness that consumes me. Soon enough it will envelope me, and I will be eternally imprisoned in the sorrow and grief that so restlessly surrounds me.

I need help, I need words, I need something, anything, anything to hold on to, anything to grasp that may keep me from falling further. Please help me. I am sorry about the repetitiveness of my post, and the way things are sparratically placed, but I typed this as it came to mind. Again, please help me.

[Tristin.]

Chris, i can undrrstand how you feel, but you have to keep on going, life can be a bitch at times, i know, but i kept on fighting and im pretty happy with my life at the moment. You do have friends, we are all friends on here, always listening always helping.

Just keep hope, and that smallest light can beat the darkness

If you ever just want to chat, just drop a line :)

[drcookie]

chris, dont worry. it will all work out. that sounds impossible but its not. i was like you once but u just gotta keep going.

really dont want u to do something silly. just keep going and take each day as it comes. have u considered the school counsellor?? that way the teachers will be informed and know that you arent feeling the best.

cmon, just hang in there and just wait, once school is over, you will be a star. your writing is very good. i hope that u dont take offense to that because i mean it in a positive way.

best of luck, chris. keep holding on.

[anamcara]

hey, im sure you've heard all this before, but try to look for the positives in each day, and they are there, you just have to look hard enough, wether someone/something made you laugh/smile or wether someone said hello to you in the street or school corridor, VT is a positive thing for a start, you can write everything down and like drcookie said, you're an amazing writer, see another positive, your better than the darkness, fight it, find the strength from people, VT, anything you can, i know this is easier said than done, but you just have to latch on to anything that can pull you through the day, there are people who care about you, who love you, you may not see it but they are there.

eventually you will beat the darkness, i do it by writing on here, good luck, and if you ever want to talk, pm me, hope things get better :) xx

[Shenron]

Thank you everone. This has made me feel better. While I am still depressed, I know that there is a glimmer of light in each day. I try to grasp it, but I can't always catch hold.

[Tristin.]

but at least your trying to catch it :)