My self-image

[Syvelocin]

I fucking hate myself. I'm a selfish, fucked up, little girl. Nothing I do is ever the right thing in anyone's eyes. Every choice I make makes at least one party unhappy, and even if that is inevitable I'm still given grief about everything I do.

I'm never taken seriously, because as I said, no matter how old I get I'm still a little girl playing with her bleeding dolls. Well, sorry I can't be a middle-aged male. Sorry that no matter how mature I am, I still have a hint of child-like tendencies. Sorry that I don't always fucking act my age. And I'm sorry my mind doesn't quite work the way it should.

I hate to relate a real-life situation with a romantic drama chick-flick, but that line from Titanic... "And all the while I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up." I feel like I could fucking do anything and no one would notice. I sometimes just want to slice my entire arm open, let's see people ignore me bleeding out on the ground. Oh, Rith's crying. Let's leave her to slice up her arm in her room all alone. That makes all the sense in the world.

Sure, I'm young and fucking female. Base your judgements on my birth year, my 5' 1" tall body and the fact that I like to wear skirts. It says everything about my intelligence, maturity, and strength, doesn't it?

I've been fighting this war with myself for years, and each year brings a new battle to win. In and out of hospitals, both mental and medical hospitals. Taking probably my own weight in pills every day. And I'm still a fucking three year-old in everyone's eyes. I'm probably going to even be eating at the "kid" table for my family's Christmas dinner again. Because I don't belong anywhere near the adults, even if I am a fucking adult. Little girls like me are too immature and stupid to understand adult conversation.

Sorry for the juvenile rant that only ensures this is all true.

[Tristin.]

Rith, you are amazing!

look at allthe people you have helped here on VT, look at everybody who loves you. Jay loves you, otherwise he would not be marrying you :)

choices will always make somebody unhappy, you just have to move on from that, its part fo life, you will get no where wanting to please everyone

you are a beuatiful, elegant, intellegant young woman and jay is very lucky to have you!!

keep your head up rith, itll be worth it in the end:)

Merry christmas Rith, Merry Christmas :)
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Nevermore]

First off (huggs)
Rith Tristin is right. You are amazing! You are beutiful, and strong. Look at everything you've been through, not a lot of people could be able to do that. You did. Which makes you strong. You are intelligent. I know some pretty dumb people.
Everyone at VT loves you! And Jay loves you too. :)
We all act like children at times, even those forty- year old middle aged men. I know plenty that act like twelve year olds.
Sometimes people do notice, they just don't always know what to do, so ignoring the problem is their choice in dealing with it. It's not the best choice, it makes us feel worse, but perhaps talking to them about it might help. For example don't leave me when I'm crying, I'm not stable.
I understand you're pain with not being able to talk to adults. My father yelled at me for speaking to an adult the other day. He told me I shouldn't talk to him, even though he was a family friend, and started the conversation. We even joked around playfully. But I'm not allowed to talk to adults. You'll be able to speak to them too. Just try. Assert yourself to the adult table. Say I'm 18 and I deserve an adult seat.
I hope things get better for you. PM me if you need me.

[notactive]

Unfortunately, I know how you feel. My mother is the same, treats me like a 5 year old too stupid to make her own decisions and when I try to tell her that I'm 18 and can make my own decisions she just gets mad, anyway, I am currently trying to ignore her. Talking to her didn't work so I see no other option to ignore her. I know I am old enough to make my own decisions, I know it's my life and I should be able to do what I want without being treated like a little girl and what she thinks doesn't matter. At the end of the day she is the one being immature. End of rant. My point is, it IS your life and you CAN make your own decisions, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, if they try and tell you you're wrong and get mad at you then the best thing to do, in my opinion, is try to ignore it and keep living your life. Hope this makes sense and helps a little bit. =)

[Shenron]

Rith, I do not know you very well, but I know your posts. You have helped so many people on here. You matter to us, we care about you. You are not immature tin our eyes. Parents seem to neglect the fact that we grow up, they don't want to accept it. I know many parents that are like this. Try sitting them down and talking to them. Let them know how you feel. Hopefully they will understand.

[Syvelocin]

Thanks everyone, it always cheers me up to see people bothering to reply to my posts at all, let alone reading the kind and helpful things that have been posted. :)

It wasn't aimed at my parents, but a couple specific people plus the irritating chunk of my family. I've always been mature beyond my years, and every year that went by with people seeing me as this little girl just got me more frustrated. Finally, I have enough years to match my mentality, and I'm still treated the same way, even if I'm making my own money, supporting myself, living off away from my family. But with the specific people I feel this applies to, they will always be older than me. So I will always be a kid to them I guess.