fate's children

[anamcara]

something i just wrote, i always write strange, crappy things like this when im down.

mummies little girl, broken beyond repair,
hoping, wishing someone would care,
someone to tell her it was all a dream,
someone to say things aren't as they seem.

daddies little boy, battered and scarred,
for him life was just to hard,
no justice in the world, nothing was fair,
so with the rope slung around his neck, he jumped from the stairs.

both so fagile, both so scared,
things in life that they both shared,
people to mean, life to cruel,
caused them both so hard to fall.


please don't make the comments to harsh lol :) xx

[bluedreams]

Wow really meaningful and its not creepy at all. So what got you down today?

[Fact]

Nice use of parallelism there, I think you could've gotten the syllables timed better though, didn't quite flow enough when reading.
Overall, pretty good ^^

[georgiamay]

Nice use of parallelism there, I think you could've gotten the syllables timed better though, didn't quite flow enough when reading.
Overall, pretty good ^^

this :P

Except, I disagree about the syllables. I think it's quite effective when it doesn't flow. Most people don't, but I like poem's that don't flow, it makes it seem a bit more out of control, if you know what I mean xD