I hate all this.

[MoveAlong]

I don't blame anyone for seeing this as another little rant from a kid, because it really is. I feel like what I have to say is insignificant - and downright pitiful. But it's what I'm feeling right now. And it's that chance that someone will say something that will help or me learning a way to deal with things that's making me write this.

The reason I think my troubles are pitiful is because I don't have anything like rape, or abuse, or money, or family problems going on.

I'm a high school senior. I want to go to college for music, and I haven't applied to one college or applied for a scholarship. I got a D in a junior English class last year so I retook it this year and I'm probably going to make the same grade or fail. I'm probably going to make a C in government even though I've gotten an A on all of the tests - I haven't done any projects or essays.

Why? Why am I making scholarships and colleges harder for me? This is the foundation of my life and I'm really fucking it up. Based on the foundation I find it hard to recall ways that life is worth living - just imagine how things are going to be in adult life.
Why do my grades tell people that I'm stupid?

I have tonight to finish three essays for English, one for government and some worksheets. It's 11PM.

Buuut, I'm a performer. Tonight I had a performance with a group, but I had a solo completely by myself. Worst performance I have ever given. I'm sick, and I forgot all of the words and I had to improvise. I'm really ashamed but also embarrassed. This was all in front of musicians from other schools.
Best part is? Have to do it all over again tomorrow night - the event repeats. And I've got all this work to do. My voice is almost gone from a sickness I thought was over.
Tomorrow I have that concert and one in the middle of the day. That makes for 4 major concerts in two days.

My mom keeps reminding me of how I don't have a job. How many times do I have to hear it? I know you have something better to do than to ridicule me liberally. You make me feel bad about myself. In a way that makes me tense up - and it hurts.

I've put things off and because of my actions, I've dug a hole for myself. I don't think there's a way out - I just suck. And my mom puts so much pressure in her voice that I feel like I'm holding my breath when I talk to her. It sucks that she's right about most of the things, too.

I just really hate myself and the way I do things and I really wish I could just rest, and sleep, and enjoy. And I think life'll get harder - with that thought I wish I had a gun in hand. I have a feeling life will get better, but I mirror that feeling with an opinion that it's fool's talk. I just wish life WOULD get better. For more than a few days. For months.

I imagine death to be peaceful. Restful. Comfortable. Like sleep. Like dreams. At this point I know that thinking of death is juvenile - I'm just being dramatic - and wallowing in your sorrow is naive. Well, I WANT to wallow. And I want the pressure and all of the bad things to end.

[Scarface]

First of all Zach, you're not pitiful and you're definitely not being juvenile. You're actually going through an awful lot right now, and a lot of the situations are pressured and with time limits. so it's just creating more pressure and panic. As the longer you wait the bigger the hole is as you said. Though killing yourself or wishing you were dead is not an option though it is not juvenile, it's a serious thing.

First thing I'm going to start off with so I can break everything down is your mom. Your mom is watching you do exactly what you're doing right now and she's probably as afraid as you are believe it or not. Some parents just don't always make the best approach or know how to react to it besides giving the order and expecting it to be done. That's not always the way to go, but sometimes you have to see things from both sides. Your mom is only trying to do the best she can. I know you are too, but I'm sure there are a few set backs at the moment that are festering and making it worse.

There is a way out of that hole. Procrastination is a tough thing to break, but you have to think for a second. That performance is important, but how long have you had to do these projects? Sometimes you have to write out a game plan on how you want things to be done. Then check things off the list as they are accomplished. Even if that means making them from easier to the toughest and getting the tough things over with right away that way the easier things can be done and you can move on, to bigger and better.

Having a scholarship is a good things and making the grades for it is also a plus to improve your scholarship. Though you have to see it in your mind getting the scholarship, you have to want it bad enough to move forward. Occasionally it's okay to take a step back, but make two steps forward in the process. You're absolutely right though; that adult life doesn't get any easier. It's a lot of responsibility and you have to make sure that you put your education first. Having a list as I mentioned earlier is also a confidence builder as you check things off that list you feel accomplished along with seeing better grades and improving. You're making steps forward. Never think that not getting everything you want right away if failure as things take time to materialize, but it all happens the way you want, if you work for them.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here, don't get yourself down in the dumps Zach, things are going to get better.

[Fiction]

Problems come in many forms and regardless of what they are they deserve help.
It sounds like you've got a hell of a lot of pressure on you, I know how that feels. You just need to try and keep on top of all of your work in the first place. I appreciate that that isn't much help now. All the advice I can really give now is too get on with your work and get it done. You will feel so much better once it's out the way.
I'm always here if you want to talk :)